Today I slept in until 10. My sore throat is gone, and besides my usual headache I really don't feel all that bad. I almost feel human.
Friday is Valentine's Day and the kids get to wear pink, white or red instead of their uniforms so Jason and I decided to drive to St. Catherine's to the outlets to try to find them a little Valentines outfit each and some chocolate that isn't gross.
The outlets there are outside, so there's less risk of contained germs, in and out. Fresh air in between. I made it about 10 stores before I felt tired and wanted to go home and my head started to hurt and I wanted to just go home to my bed.
I wore my wig so I looked like a normal person, it was a nice break. I wanted to go into the Under Armour store, the Nike Store and a few others to get workout clothes. Then I realized that there's no point in me buying anything. I don't know how I'm gonna feel, if I'll lose weight or gain some and I'm certainly not buying any new shirts. Workout clothes just depressed me.
For the most part I lose 5 lbs the week of chemo. I can't eat. I try hard the following week to gain it back so I can maintain my pre-cancer weight. Not for looks, but just so that I have energy and reserves for my surgery.
I think tomorrow I will go to the gym. Today I hit 10,000 steps and I don't feel totally exhausted. That's the thing with chemo. In the beginning, the day of and for at least 5 after you do feel totally awful, but then after that you slowly start to feel a little better. It's a relief but it makes it that much harder to go through it all again.
I have 5 more days to feel better and better before my delayed chemo next Friday. I'm not going to squander them. I'm thinking of organizing the junk room in the basement. Of course I'll have to do it when Jason is at work, he doesn't want me doing too much. He worries I'll wear myself out. I just feel better when I get things done when I can. I know there will be days ahead that I wont be able to do anything.
For dinner I made more fish. Soon I'm going to grow gills I'm eating so much fish. I'm running out of things I'm liking to eat. Everyday is the same. Juice in the morning. Some vegetables for lunch and a low carb dinner, heavy on the veg, light low fat protein, maybe a salad and if anything later, frozen mango or popcorn. That's it. Tea and water. Nothing else. It's boring. I don't even think about cheese anymore, or bread...I still dream of eating a giant cupcake but it just isn't worth it. And I don't miss booze.
Chemo - days past 5 or 6 when it's getting a little better, feels like a bad hangover and it pretty much stays like that for a week or so until a few good days come. I don't really ever see myself drinking booze again, to the point where I would ever voluntarily cause myself to feel like this. Same thing with eating crappy food. I just don't want to feel sick.
I wondered today if I'll ever feel really good again, and I'm sure I will. I'm going to do everything I can to get through this and come out maybe not better but still strong on the other side.
Days like today, not too much happens, I just felt tired and not quite like myself. It's not much to write about, but some days in chemo are like that...nothing special, nothing awful I still did normal people things, I ate dinner with my sweetie and watched some TV. I feel now like I'm back to waiting for the days to pass so I can get on with the business of curing this cancer.
I still take some herbal aids and the odd anti-nauseant to help me sleep. Some nights I'll take the 1:1 THC/CBD oil, but just a little because too much makes me paranoid... When Jason falls asleep and everything is quiet I feel anxious and my brain starts worrying. I worry about the cancer growing, that maybe the chemo isn't working. I worry about my girls and the future. I worry about my career, about what my life will be like after active treatment. I worry about everything.
Days like today when I feel almost human, I can see that my mental game is still weak and I need to practice more meditation and positive visualization. I need to be grateful before I go to bed and know that tomorrow will be a good day.
Today was an OK day. I felt alright. No dramatic Drs appointments or physical trauma. No super serious conversations and a nice sleep in with my sweetheart.
Life today was good.
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