#10 The Frost Affect And Lifelines

Yea, so yesterday wasn't a great day, but we all have bad days. People with Cancer probably have a few more than average, but at the end of them, we have to make the decision when the new day starts to reset and try to have a better day. I wasn't really sure how I was going to do this. I didn't sleep well, and was pretty nauseous.

Whenever I would moan or be uncomfortable Jason would rub my back and ask me if I needed anything...he would do this out of a dead sleep. When Madeleine came downstairs at 6am wanting to start the day he whispered to her that Mommy was sleeping and to go upstairs until 7. He didn't fall back asleep.

Then he got up and got showered, he made my my veggie juice, which takes 20 minutes minimum and is messy. Then he made the girls breakfast and settled down a hot headed Madeleine who didn't want cereal. Then he heated up chili for their lunches, and then he got all their lunches together. He cleaned up the juicer, and the dishes and fed the dog and let the dog out and barely had time to get himself together before he lifted the giant box of Cold Caps were returning today into the car and head to drop the kids off at school and likely be a little late himself. All before 9am.

I just laid in bed. I watched them drive away out the window and wondered what kind of a day today would be. And I decided, it would be up to me to answer that. Not cancer.

It was then that I decided the way out of feeling down was to embrace gratitude and to see that although things aren't amazing for me I have so much to be grateful for. I have this day, I am alive and I have a chance. I got to snuggle Madeleine for a minute or two before school....I couldn't resist. Ari still has a fever, but she understands. Madeleine is still so little.

Anyway, when everyone left. I sat in bed and realized that I had a whole day, and I could either spend it sorry for myself and afraid of Ari's germs or spend it being grateful for all the things I have worth living for and everything that is beautiful.

I walked to the grocery store, I felt sore but I could still walk. I got some small things and then walked home. It felt nice to be out and the weather was pleasant and the birds were chirping. It was an OK experience. Cancer has made me appreciate the little things again, the small things that perhaps I overlooked in an effort to get my Nutrition Business going, to work hard at my new job, to try to manage our new household. Now it's all on hold...and Jason Frost is the one who is managing it all.

His day as an Intake Officer working with adults looking to return to education is a busy one as it is. Today he had to take an hour to go and return the Cold Caps (or torture toques) as I now jokingly refer to them. This all added to his day. It didn't put him personally ahead.

Then he picked up the kids, he brought them home, encouraged them to get themselves changed out of their uniforms and clean up, disinfect and all that. Then he headed out to get groceries for dinner, and came home and is now preparing it in the kitchen. All of this before 6.

He normally goes to the gym. Has been going for 30 years. He's put that on the back burner and goes when he can, to be here to support us all. He is the rock and the one who is running everything.

Today I spent some time being so grateful I have him in my life. I honestly don't know what I would do without him. I don't think I say that enough. Cancer treatment comes with some nasty mood swings and he's been the target for a few of those and he just lets them go, understanding in his way, that it's not really me...and he does his best to stay cool. He is a wonderful person.

So many other wonderful people have reached out to me with such positive messages of encouragement, to keep going, to be strong and of love and support. Each one means something special and it is so nice to talk to some people I haven't in years.

I was so worried when I had to quit my new job that we would end up in financial ruin, the Go Fund me Campaign has truly been something I can't even put into words. It allows me to take time off from work, and heal, to afford my treatments and make ends meet. I can't express my gratitude for this with words. It simply isn't enough. It's not just money to me. It's people believing in me, and encouraging me and helping me. And for that I am so grateful.

Cancer has taken a lot, but it has also given a lot to me as well. So, today I am grateful, not to have cancer, but to have the opportunity to turn it into something that has shown me some beauty and grace where perhaps I hadn't seen it.

I was so busy, rushing from place to place, failing to see that everyone fights their own battles, some large, some small....but in each of those battles is the decision everyday to start again, keep fighting and try to find something to be grateful for.

I have so much to be grateful for. I have a generous family, wonderful and thoughtful friends, I have good sweet children who are doing their best to understand what is going on, I have my job waiting for me when I am able to return in September if I am well enough, I still can walk to the store, I can still hold Jason's hand at the end of the day, and hug him and thank him for all he is doing.

So often we get caught up in our own battles that we fail to see the ones waged all around us. Today I used gratitude to open that door for me, and I turned the negative experience of yesterday into a building block for next time I feel down.

I know there will be more, I'm not so naive to think this battle is anything but just beginning, but I am developing skills to reset. Gratitude, appreciation and love are surely sharp skills to have in the arsenal in a battle against something that feeds on negativity, chaos and disorder.

So the biggest thank you to Jason Frost, for being the reason the ship is even a float right now.

And to all of you who send messages and support me. I am grateful for you, and for this journey I'm on in this life of mine.

It's a bit of a rocky boat ride , but I can see the sunshine and the shore isn't too far away. Thanks to all the lifelines I feel from all around me.

Much gratitude.