I spent yesterday just basically sitting in my chair after my IV. The Doctor told me no exercise. The Iv tends to affect electrolyte levels and exercise does the same. Plus it was bloody cold out so I obliged. The last time I dropped my kids off in Toronto I made a little trip to one of Toronto's true gems. The Sultan of Samosas on O'Connor. If you haven't been. Don't. You'll want it everyday. Best samosas this side of the Ganges. I usually get 6 dozen and bring them home and vaccum pack them into 6's. The problem is the ride home.
I've learned to buy 7 dozen. When I finally get home. I have my 6. I eat them like a savage trying to balance the dip on the console and get the samosa in there and back to my mouth without dripping all over. I'm sure it should be as illegal as texting and driving. Whatever. Don't get me started with dogs on laps.
Anyway I sat in my chair and ate my samosas and then the call.....which ruined my night. I spent the remainder trying to think positively, but really just kind of afraid. I wanted to believe the nurse. I knew, there was nothing I could do but just wait. That's honestly the worst part. I mean, the chemo and radiation and all the physical stuff is pretty bad too....chemo feels kind of what I'd imagine dying to feel like. But mentally the waiting is the game changer. With chemo there is an end. With the waiting...once the cancer is gone, there are tests, waiting. Good results! Excellent. But then, more tests....waiting....always waiting. And in the end I suppose we're all waiting to die. Some of us just don't see it that way. Sometimes I feel like I'm just waiting to be told the cancer is back, other days I feel like....why would I think like that. Maybe it'll never come back and I spent all this time waiting for a ship that was never coming to port and I get old and look back and see I spent all my life standing at the shore. Never moving from a place of waiting.
This morning I slept in. Who am I kidding. I sleep in everyday. You will hear people say that chemo and radiation take a while to recover from. This is so true. The recovery from chemo, for me wasn't too bad. Probably because I knew I had to recover quickly as my surgery was coming and so I took extra care to do little to exhaust myself and it was spring. Recovery from surgery was a breeze. I mean, it hurts to have a few body parts amputated but it's not as bad as you'd think, pain meds helped. Recovery from radiation is tough. It's the exhaustion that is the thing....at the end of the day, around 8. I'm done. I usually go to bed around 9. I usually sleep at least 12 hours. This is all new since my treatments have been done. Usually I'd go to bed around 11, sleep until 630 or 7 and be good for the day. I used to workout every morning at 9. Now 9 is like 5am to me. I am told by my doctors it should improve within a year or so, but there are some people I've talked to who've said it took 5 years to feel like themselves again.
Anyway, I slept in and as I lay in bed I was thinking about the call from yesterday, and worrying and wondering. Stage 4 cancer is the end of the road. Yes people live sometimes for years, but on average, not too many. What if that's me. I'll have to go through the whole...."living without seeing my kids grow up" thing again and be in treatment for the rest of my life.
The phone rang. It was my family doctor. He was calling to give me the results of my CT scan. This man is one of the best doctors I have ever had. He's considerate, kind and empathetic, he also knows his shit. When I moved to Hamilton I didn't have a family Doctor, you may recall from one of my earliest blogs, I was informed I had cancer in a drop in clinic from a doctor I had never met before and left to cry in my car not knowing what next steps were. The CIBC Breast Assesment Centre has a connection to wonderful doctor who will take on women who don't have a primary doctor when they've been diagnosed and although his patient roster is loaded he does it because of the man he is. This is my doctor. Dr. Al-Tukmachi. He is from Egypt, was a doctor there for many years and recertified here as well. Not only did he accept me, he accepted my children to ease my burden of having to find them a doctor.
He said to me "The Scan is clear". Immediately, it's like a balloon is released from the top of my head and in it's place is a feeling of overwhelming gratitude. I said thank you probably 15 times. He said...."it is not me creating this scan, this is you". He told me the important thing is it shows no evidence of metastisis or recurrence. He said I have 4 more years to go, and then my risk of the cancer ever coming back drops much lower.
I am going to include below, a copy of the report from Tuesday so you can read exactly what a CT report looks like. And I'll make a few comments....
Ok so there it is. Basically what it's saying is I have scarring in my right lung from radiation, which blows, but it's better than cancer. This puts me in a higher risk category for COVID but let's not focus on that. It also shows a seroma, which is a pocket of fluid that has collected near where they removed my right breast and lymph system, I can see it, it's puffy. I don't love it. But it's not cancer.
Main point of all of that is NO cancer seen! YAY. Relief..... Also I'm grateful I got that 99% in my Anatomy and Physiology class. I can understand what this report is saying. The universe sets us up sometimes to receive the teachings we need, without us even knowing why. I thought I was going to help overweight children when I graduated, to help ease the epidemic of childhood diabetes and obesity, but it turns out I'm becoming a cancer nutritionist and learning how to navigate through breast cancer.
Another lesson the Universe set me up for last night, albeit a short one was this.....
Why worry? It isn't going to change anything. It doesn't mean you don't care but there's nothing you can do. Don't hope. Don't fret. Have zero expectations and that way you are OK.
So my friends, another test, another clear result. I said to my Mom today it was like I've been given more time....but after I said I realized that wasn't true. We are all given the same amount of time.
We are given a lifetime. How long or short each minute or day seems much depends on our appreciation for the present moment and how we live within it.
Enjoy today. It's the only one we've got.
Great news Sara. Sending hugs.
Congratulations Saram great news !