#102 Ma Momma

Well. I have a surgery scheduled in 10 days. It's the assurgery I described before. Whatever. Everyone has a butt and I bet you more than half of you have had some issue with it at some point. It is what it is.

Chemo destroyed what the birthing process began. It's amazing how things you don't expect when you hear you have breast cancer are things that come to be like "oh....alright...yeah.....sure". Like it could be anything!

Some people have persistent ringing in their ears for the rest of their lives. Some people have no feeling in their fingers and toes, some people need total hysterectomies, removal of so body parts you wouldn't anticipate. SO Savage.

I think about this surgery and how it's all transpired and I know it's because I chose to become a Mom again for the second time. It's amazing the things having babies does to women's bodies. Really.

Having said this I have the opportunity to reflect on my own Mother.

Many of you know her, were maybe taught by her or had her as your principal when you were in school. You obviously remember her high heels, her impeccable fashion sense, beauty, charm and the sheer dread of disappointing her, being disciplined by her and the high standards she held for herself and those around her. She was and is a force.

Some things many of you don't know....and yes...I asked her permission before I wrote this. And I will remind readers, this blog is for women suffering from cancer, for their families, to tell my story but also for my children and theirs. It is MY story.

My mom grew up very poor in an area outside Milton called the "heights" it's an area now that is populated with million dollar homes on the escarpment and very desirable but when my mom and her 6 siblings were growing up it was anything but. My grandfather worked as a labourer at the brickyard shovelling coal into the ovens, when that shut down he got a job working assembling busses and when that shut down he worked at IBL (steel fab company) he died of a heart attack at work at 62.... my grandmother stayed home with her kids....my 2 older uncles and 2 older aunts were significantly older than my mom when she came along. Old enough that they were teenagers when my mom was born, and my aunt and uncle shortly thereafter. So my mom was the oldest of the youngest of the 7. There were essentially two groups of kids. So my older aunts and uncles are like grandmas and grandpas to me and my younger aunt, (my uncle passed before his time) is like an aunt. Anyway....without getting too complicated, they were a large family that lived modestly. To say the least.

I believe this struggle instilled in many of my elder relatives the drive to succeed and to overcome. All of my aunts and uncles on my moms side are strong willed, strong bodied and very formidable. My uncle Gord, my mom's oldest brother has been the mayor of Milton for god knows how many years. He's set a Canadian record. My Uncle Bob has been inducted into the Canadian Black Belt hall of fame and is credited for helping to develop what we now know as MMA he is truly a legend among his peers. My Aunt Verna was a force, her chats alone could disable even the strongest listener, but she always had a positive attitude. She was kind and loving and generous and always happy. She had cancer, 12 years before she died. The cancer was in every organ. She had a 15 hour operation with 3 doctors and lived 12 years after that....they gave her months when she was diagnosed, I belive her attitude and joy made a big difference, I can still remember her calling me "dear". I could go on and on....My Aunts, Eileen and Barb are wonderful, Eilleen artistic and gifted with the best laugh, my Aunt Barb so to the point, a perfectionist and her home when I was young was such a fun place. My Uncle Larry, I didn't get to know too well. He committed suicide when I was young. The world wasn't a welcome place for men who didn't identify as men or fit in to standard moulds of what a man was. I never really got to know him. I do remember though, he was so kind, had such a wonderful smile and energy. He was a truly good person. You know the type.....gone too soon....and for so many sad reasons.

Anyway that's a little background on the Mom side of the family. My mom was the oldest of the youngest. She always wanted to be a teacher, since she was a little girl. She did her best, top of the class....and continued to highschool as such, fell in love as some highschool girls do, with a lovely man, whose family was wealthy and they dated for years. She was a candy stripper (volunteer) at the local hospital and worked as a waitress, walking sometimes kilometers home after each shift to make ends meet.

She got pregnant, in highschool and in those days that wasn't really the greatest. Her boyfriend's family begged her to stay and to keep the baby. She did keep the baby, she moved though, to Oshawa to live with my Aunt Verna, who was older, and had by now kids of her own....she took my mom in and my mom spent the rest of her pregnancy there at Vernas until she was due. Missing a portion of highschool.

She had her baby in Oshawa. When the baby was born, she decided that she really couldn't give the baby a good life....that the baby deserved a family and a mom who was ready and prepared. She had her own dreams and it so happened there was a woman in the hospital who had lost a baby that day.....my mom saw her baby once and that was it. The baby was adopted out. My mom....went back home and back to highschool.

Obviously people talk, they knew why she was gone and I'm certain it wasn't easy my mom had to hold her head high and carry on. In fact I KNOW it wasn't. But she continued through highschool. Her and her boyfriend broke up....even though I'm sure he would've liked to still stay together, but she wanted to realize her dream of being a teacher.

She took a position once finished university and teachers college in Battchewana . This meant leaving the GTA for the "North". For those from the Soo you know, it's not an easy posting especially in the age of residental schools. She taughts primarily indigenous children and children who lived about 45 minutes north of Sault Ste. Marie - it wasn't a residential school I should add, it was just a school way out in the bush. She would drive 45 minutes from the Soo to work and then back after work in the dark. She did this knowing no one in the city she lived, she did it for a while. Then she got a position working in the Soo.

Skip ahead decades and many stories that really in the end are hers to tell.... she met my dad, they had me and my sister and we lived a really good very normal life. Acutally idyllic childhood. Street with friends, local school, good neighbourhood all the deal.

My mom retired and when retirement didn't sit well applied for a job working in the United Arab Emirates with women educators, teaching them how to administrate, how to move their education system along, in an all women school. She worked in Al Ain, in the Emirate of Dubai. I even visited. It was fascinating and I was an am still so proud of the courage it must have taken my mom to make that move and take that position. Shit. It took all my courage to get on a 14 hour plane ride to Dubai for an all inclusive vacation.

Skip ahead a little more and I'm 39 with two girls of my own and my mom tells me that the baby she gave up for adoption has located her and they'll be meeting soon. I knew my mom had a baby when she was in highschool, she told me when I was about 25...it wasn't overly alarming. Something inside me told me I'd always been the middle child anyway! LOL!

So, she met my sister Candice and soon thereafter my sister and I did too. I have to say, it's like she's always been a part of my heart. Like there was a space there saved just for her and when I met her she fit right in without me even having to make any room. Here we are....sisters from different misters.....

Interesting facts: my older sister was also a principal who also went to the Middle East to work as an educator. Mind blowing right??? Genetics, or environment....good debate.

My sister Candice is an amazing woman. Her and her partner Leona have been there for me many times, I love them both so much, they are truly my sisters .

All of this because my mom had the courage to follow her dreams, to do what she knew in her heart was best and to follow her heart.

She is an everlasting example to me of fortitude, making something of yourself, of the strength of a woman determined and what it really means to be a good mother. Sometimes it's letting go and sometimes it's holding on. Here she and Candice are....years later, laughing and loving life.

She has been here for me every step of the way on my cancer journey. She was at my first chemo appointment, she is always here when I need her. When I couldn't lift myself out of the bathtub she came in and lifted her 42 year old bald sick baby out of the tub like she did when I was 1. She tucked me into bed and told me everythin

g would be ok.

She is the best grandmother (BAP) to my children I could ever imagine. She gives selflessly of herself and is always there when I call.

When I was a little kid, I'd sneak into her closet and try on her high heels....so many to choose from. I'd look at the boxes stacked up and pick a pair and parade around hoping no one caught me.

I wanted to be just like her.

I still do.

Healthy, strong, a trailblazer, independant, beautiful and reliable.

And stylish of course....always that. The shoes. Oh the shoes......

We are blessed with the children we get, but we are equally blessed with our mothers, what they do for us, have done and will do.

I can only hope my children remember me being half the mom my mom was. She taught me at a very young age that there is no glass ceiling. A woman is powerful and beauty doesn't just come from the outside but the inside and what you chose to do with your power.

Some say witches.....I just would rather settle on women who raise strong and powerful women.

I have her to thank for the woman I am.