#103 Keep Busy Boozehound

So....confession.....after I tested negative in December for cancer from the scans I'd had; which, were limited scans. Chest, abdomen and pelvis. CT scans. Showed no cancer. I felt great. On a high so I resumed consuming alcohol at a rate that probably wasn't healthy. Well, not probably. Definitely. Definitely not for a cancer patient and likely not for a normal human.

I've always had a terrible relationship with alcohol. I've mentioned I feel it's likely a major contributing cause to my illness. I used it to numb, to excite, to relieve, to soothe....all those wrong things.

The only times I rememeber really being totally sober was when I was pregnant with my darlings and breastfeeding. I did both sober. Happy to report. It's amazing what we do for our children.

Anyway. SO December I spent drinking basically. Drinking away the memory of the past year, still taking my supplements and eating well, not in ketosis but making wise choices food wise and running every second day.

Over the holidays, at home, with my family I had a few "episodes" crying and vomitting and whatnot, but it's real. It's not easy for me to share but in conversation it's super embarrassing and in my support groups I have come to realize it happens more than anyone would even imagine.

Cancer halted my addiction to alcohol but it didn't shut off the pathways in my brain, it just replaced them with drugs so strong that the addiction couldn't compete. When I slowly returned to "new normal" my brain started to crave that pathway again and I obliged as it's all I've known.

In my family there has been a history of alcoholism. I think in many families there are. So this was my new battle post Christmas.

I have a team of social workers, therapists and a psychiatry team that work with me because I am lucky enough to not only live 3 blocks from one of the best Cancer hospitals in Canada but also because I always show up on time, I fill out surveys and I ask for referrals. I talk to my doctors and I call and call.

In January my psychiatrist put me on Naltrexone. For those of you not familiar with this. It's a drug for drug addicts. It slowly releases you, with therapy....from the grip of addictive substances.

I started it in very small doses because it can be quite strong and I'm on other meds and I have to be careful....

It helped. I didn't feel the urge, or the need. I taper my drinks, slowly reducing and upping the drug. Like weaning off one to the other and then the intention was to wean off the drug.

Until my surgery was booked immediately and my doctor called and said stop taking that drug it's a blood thinner and we'll catch up after surgery. I was like WHAT THE FUCK.

So I've stopped. It's been two days. Kids back at school. Just me here in the house. No money to spend. Nowhere to spend it. No one to see. Nowhere to go.

I had one cooler left in the basement. Drank it this afternoon. Not proud. But I didn't drink 7. I also didn't have 7 but I'm not about to go down that road again. I've improved so much.

You don't realize what's wrong with you until you really realize what's wrong with you. In so many ways.

So this is my battle now....along with cancer....and this upcoming surgery but it's all part of putting humpty together again. It's holistic.

I'm not ashamed to admit it. I'm not shy to talk about it. It really isn't my fault.. I mean of course it was my choice to partake, but it's not my fault I have the proclivity or the tendency to become an alcoholic. I never thought of myself as one until they said...hey....like...consider this. You survived cancer last year and you're drinking.....

Not ok.

I spend money on organic food, on supplements, on naturopathic care on so much I do so much...but this monkey is now on my back. I'm doing everything I can. I have 6 days until my surgery and then I'm back on the meds and in addiction counselling which involves much more than just talking about drinking. It's about you....about your past...your life and all the things that make a person resort to slowly poisoning themselves.

This cancer journey hasn't been easy. It's awful....and this week....off the pills I feel so anxious I could cry but I know...I will survive. I will overcome these misplaced emotions and irrational fears. I will better myself by admitting to myself I'm not perfect. Forgiving myself for falling down and for then picking myself back up. It's so hard. Test after test after test....

But....I keep moving forward. I keep improving, by admitting the things I've hidden or refused to acknowledge.

For myself. For Jason. For my girls. Just for life.

It's not easy. But I'm sharing it because believe it or not but 45% of women who have undergone cancer treatment end up with a substance abuse problem. Be it pills, or booze, or even food. It's life changing and no one prepares you.

When you're diagnosed with cancer they don't fix up all your mental problems and solve all your dillemas before they send you in for chemo. They just fire you up. It's then up to a debilitated you to put the peices back together.

It's possible to do though. I'm going through it. A reassmbling of my life, my beliefs, my pain management system, my emotional responses. FUCK.

Cancer is savage, but I'll tell you this....if it doesn't kill you...

It just might save your life.