Truth. I wrote a whole blog post about Valentine's Day. Blabbering on about expensive flowers and chocolates and when I was done it even irritated me. I erased the whole thing.
Another truth. Valentine's Day isn't a huge deal for me.....I'm mildly cynical about it. I love it for my kids. I love seeing them get excited about the candy and the Valentine's and I hope they always love it. I just don't.
Today Jason couldn't buy me chocolates because I'm having surgery in two days and am on a soup diet, liquids only until Tuesday and likely for weeks thereafter.
have a Covid test at 4pm today. That's my outing today, getting rammed in the face for the 6th time. I don't mean to sound lacking in love. It's just another day.....preop prep.
I love Jason the same everyday though. He has been there with me through thick and thin and this past year it's been so thick. In so many ways. Some days I imagine he wished he could just walk away. Some days I felt sorry for him he didn't. He didn't deserve the year we've had, but then neither did I. He's gone to the store to get a squash for me. Normally I'd go, today is Valentine's Day so he's going. It's the little things.
Even after the shit year we stuck together and we will. Forever. There are always ups and downs, but I always chose him. No relationship is perfect but ours is strong and is stronger because of what we've been through. We choose eachother. To me everyday is Valentine's Day, even the shitty ones because we stay...so today, just another day.
For me, I'm actually anxious. The covid test reminds me in two days I'll be in surgery. I'll be put to sleep and on a respirator. It's a little more dangerous for me this time because I have radiation induced pnemonitits which means my oxygen saturation levels could drop during surgery and I'll have to be closely monitored. The risk of blood clots is higher and my heart will need to be monitored closely during the hour long operation while I'm out because I had 16 weeks of chemo and 33 sessions of radiation. It scares me, but there's not much I can do. It's a necessary surgery.
Thinking of being back in the hospital just brings up my trauma. It's a type of PTSD that breast cancer patients experience after having mastectomies and lymphatic dissections. You go in you and you come out someone totally different. It's hard to process even almost a year later. For me after my surgery, things didn't really improve mentally as I found out how serious the cancer was and how big the tumor was, how many nodes it had reached. It's brutal. I worry all the time about the cancer coming back. I will be in the safe zone in 4 more years but even then....it's always in the background.
Also I don't particularly want to eat soup for 3 weeks. I don't want to have to rehabilitate myself again. Crawling back after being knocked down. It's exhausting but it's what I'm going to do.
I was just feeling so great about my jogging time, feeling a little like myself and now I'm back in bed. Back to square one post surgery. Having to be taken care of, unable to do things for myself. And my kids have to see me in bed, worry and I'm not able to do the things for them that I want to.
I'd never have to have this surgery if chemo didn't destroy my body to some degree and the thing that makes me the most angry is that the chemo didn't even work. It was all for nothing. OH well.....I really do have to let that go.
So Valentine's Day is squash soup, litres of chaga tea and Letterkenney. But....it's another day I get to live with the man I love, and for that I am grateful.
Just like real love, real life isn't always smooth and it's not perfect but when you have one you love, everyday is special.
I guess I do like Valentine's Day.....it's a day when people who maybe don't say I love you enough, or I love ME enough do it. People are kind to each other and themselves.
It's a day to appreciate love of others, love of self and love of life.
Most importantly.....it's another day alive.
And I love that most.
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