So the surgery didn't happen. I spent the day of in bed feeling sorry for myself. Recovering from the mental stress before a surgery, only to find out instantly it's been cancelled. It's kind of like when I found out I had cancer. In one day, things change. For me, when they do I'm a little less resilient, I need time to process a change and usually it takes my energy.
I slept for some of that morning, until I realized that my kids and Jason were home with me. That it was a beautiful snowy day and I needed, for their sakes to pull myself out of bed. Put on my winter gear and build a fort and play with my children. My surgery was cancelled and I had my kids home. It was a message to me that I needed to make some memories. It made me feel so much better, to see them laugh to help them play and to come inside and have a movie night with Jason and the kids.
They told me they didn't know when the rescheduled surgery would be. The uncertainty is something I have been learning to deal with, but this week was tough. Wednesday the kids and Jason went back to school and work. It's strange how anger and frustration manifest for me now. It just comes out as tiredness and depression. Not like it used to...as anger and frustration.
Wednesday was a tough day. No one really to talk to. I have few friends here in Hamilton and there aren't too many people I chat with regularly, just because I don't like to whine.
Also, because as soon as I moved here, I basically got diagnosed with cancer. The only friend I have I met through Jason. I have basically one friend here I talk to. It's lonely and sometimes I'd like to just feel like a normal person again.....to go out and laugh and drink a glass of wine on a girls night. But....that's not my life anymore.. I'm having a hard time with it....
Thursday I had my weekly Vitamin C IV. I used to go to the Marsden centre for my bi-weekly IVs. It was an hour and twenty minutes there and back. It took up a whole day. One morning I showed up and I was dizzy and shaky and my naturopath there was concerned about me. As I was out of most of my heavy duty treatment there she told me that a Dr that worked there also had a practice in Ancaster and as he worked at the Marsden centre I could still keep my Dr. at Marsden and she would send him instructions for my IV and maybe I could go to his office for the infusions. The drives were exhausting me. The head doctor at the clinic agreed to this and so now I have two naturopaths, one at Marsden and one in Ancaster. We're on the mountain so it's about a 10 minute drive to his office from my house. It's been a Godsend.
Anyway he could tell I was out of sorts Thursday when I went. This Doctor was an anesthesiologist in Sri Lanka, and then moved to Canada and became a Naturopath who specializes in mental health. He is a Buddhist.
I told him that I was feeling tired and unwell and he told me I was unwell because I was angry and frustrated about my surgery. I told him I just didn't understand why they cancelled. The weather didn't cancel a number of other appointments.
He told me that he knows many surgeons and the reason my surgery was likely cancelled is because my surgery day was the day was the day that Hamilton moved from grey to red and operating rooms opened up.
I didn't understand this....they were already empty. No one with covid needs a surgery. He explained that everytime someone has a more extensive surgery (like a mastectomy or tumor removal or bypass) the hospital needs to reserve them not only a bed but also ensure there is a spot in the ICU in case the surgery goes south. There likely had been many critically ill patients waiting for months for a spot and I had likely given mine up for one of these patients. Cancer, heart, serious issues. He said I should feel happy and I would receive blessings. It made me feel much better.
Then he told me that he would come back in an hour (my IVs take 3 hours) and he would give me a mantra to repeat.
I sat there. Thinking, maybe he's right maybe this is between my ears more than I admit.
When he came back he explained to me things I know but needed to really hear again. It's all about vibration, energy and attracting the life we want. Attracting health, attracting peace.
The mantra he gave me is a well known Buddhist meditation called Loving Kindness (or LKM). He told me many stories of patients he has personally helped and showed me links to actual studies that show it works. He told me that repeating this mantra for 15 minutes in the morning and 15 minutes at night would change my life. Would change my outlook and would bring me peace. He said after I was stronger I would then do the mantra for those I loved, after that, for those who I know, after that for those who have harmed me, after that for the whole world.
This is the Loving Kindness Mantra or Meditation:
"May I be well"
"May I be happy"
"May I be peaceful"
"May I be free from pain and all suffering"
Here's a link with some more info https://buddhaimonia.com/blog/loving-kindness-meditation
I've asked my family to practice this for me. Jason uses my name in place of "I" my mom does it too. I do it for myself for now, until I am stronger and then when I am stronger I will do it for my family and extend from there.
The studies around the results from this are amazing. Google that shit.
So I'm giving it a go. It's been two days but I feel I have a refuge in this. I say it in my head when I'm running, I say it before I go to sleep, I say it if I feel anxious. I practice this.
For all of you who've been praying for me, if you could find time to maybe say it every now and then if you think of me....I'd appreciate it. It feels odd to ask but I belive it works and so what's the harm to ask.
March 2nd is my rescheduled surgery date. It came quickly and I'm anxious about it. Honestly more anxious about this surgery than I was about the mastectomy. I know it sounds ridiculous, but just the return to the operating room brings up the whole experience. It hasn't even been a year and I'm back to the hospital having surgery. This one isn't as serious as the mastectomy but it's pretty painful.
Before this surgery I have to fast for 2 days and after that be on liquids for a week or two. I'm not looking forward to it. I'll be off my feet for two weeks, but during that time I plan to really explore the meditative/mantra side of my healing. To get myself right back into therapeutic keto and get myself back on my feet.
My cancer journey has lead me down many roads, but this mantra feels right for me. It has brought so much into my consciousness, it has made me so aware of all the ways I hurt myself and others, how I overdid and underdid and over preformed and under rested.
It has made me acutely aware that we have a pharmacy between our ears and our thoughts about things matter as much as the food we eat the places we live, the jobs we have and the people we love.
2020 was rough but 2021 hasn't really been better in a mental way for me I've tried to reconcile past hurt and it hasn't always gone so well. I've lost friends and discovered new truths.
My hair is growing back, my scars are tightening, I've gained weight back but I don't feel like me. I don't know who I am. I don't know how to handle these changes, but I'm learning.
My prescription this week was a simple one, but not so simple to put into practice. I remind myself in the morning and night, it's as important as my anti-estrogen pills.
We are whole beings. I've been neglecting the most important part of me, the strongest one.
Likely because it's the one I want to deal with least.
It's not easy to write, it's not easy to admit.....and it's even harder to attempt to fix.
But I'm not going to stop.
This is my life path and as long as I am alive I'm going to try to heal, forgive myself and others.
It's so hard. It really is, but honestly, if it hadn't been for cancer I doubt I'd be trying so hard to heal from head to toe. To do the tough work.
I am grateful for my life. I am grateful for the opportunity to have so many people who care and contribute to my healing, who keep messaging me, who keep loving me and sending me positive messages and for their friendship.
I am grateful for life.
It's messy but there's magic in that mess and that's where the truth hides and the healing lies.
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