#107 Meh.

Oh man. I didn't intend to write a blog today but when I get the itch...I can't deny it.

Today we had a socially distanced visit at my one friends house. I don't know if it's because she read my blog and being the amazing human she is invited us over, or it's because they needed it as much as we did.

We sat outside, distanced and chatted. Just to be around friends felt so good. Like letting out the pressure from a pressure cooker. We're about done. I loved seeing my friends, talking and sitting in the sun.

So we got home and my mom comes Sunday, she helps me with the driving with the kids which is more amazing than she knows or can imagine. In the meantime I make a nice Sunday meal.

I don't know where I'm at to be honest. One minute I'm cool, zen. The next, I'm a hot mess that just wants to crawl under the covers. I don't know if this is the result of being released from care for 6 months or my surgery upcoming or the time of the year.

All I know, is I'm struggling. I say shit I don't mean to. Sometimes mean, and sometimes to my kids. It's awful. Hormones, medications, stress. Oh man. Those babies deserve more.

I always apologize and say, you know, the meds,the moods, it cancer treatment, it's mommy healing, it's all just a mess.

Sometimes I think my kids will be so resilient, so strong because they see me going through all this, they absorb it, they understand and they empathize. Sometimes I think I'm Jack Nicholson in the Shining.

Hard to know really....

Today.....I write this because I sit here in my chair while the pasta sauce is cooking, waiting for my mom and Madeleine to arrive (Ari insisted on staying for "lady reasons").

I sit here and I look out the window and sometimes I just feel lost. Am I the only one?

What's happening. I miss everyone. I miss hugs. I miss life. But usually around this time of year any year I feel this way.

But this blog...for any woman who has gone through cancer treatment. It's hell... NO one gets it unless they've gone through it. One minute you're super positive the next moment you're the worst. It happens. NO ONE talks about the recovery after active treatment.

It affects your mind, you mood, your hormones, your drives. You have to reinvent yourself.

Today when I had a little visit with friends I realized. I'm not me anymore....I'm new me. Cancer me.

I don't know.....I feel pretty lost and this isn't an ispirational post. Sometimes I wonder if my kids wouldn't be better without me....if Jason doesn't deserve a normal girlfirend. If my family isn't deserving of being free from the worry.

I'm in no means suicidal but I feel like a sack of shit. I feel sad and angry and upset and scared and lonely and I want peace.

I don't know......I'll keep saying my mantra, maybe it'll work. I'll keep getting up and jogging but true story.

I can't always be the "think positive it'll all be ok". This is one of those days...I feel blue...I feel afraid. I feel angry and I just don't know where to go with my emotions.

I have to still do dinner, smile and put my kids to bed....but I feel empty. I'll keep up the meditation....but really....

I'm feeling down.