#108 NOT OK.

I've waited for 3 weeks for a hair appointment. I wanted to dye it blonde. I decided to be fun with it, feel a little more like me....

I went this morning and she sat me down and said my hair isn't ready. If I bleached it, it would likely fall out again, the hair is too soft and new, like a baby's hair. So I respected her professional integrity and booked an appointment for July 10. That's the earliest she said she could possibly do it. She's a master colourist, so I heed the advice. I don't love my hair lately but I like having some. LOL.

So I came home and sat in my chair. I don't feel like running today. It's been about 6 months since radiation ended and I'm 6 months since I've been on hormone treatments. They basically have thrown me into menopause. My skin has lost it's elasticity, my body aches, moods, just generally feeling numb, no sex drive and feeling like kind of a waste of space when the kids aren't around.

The active cancer treatment is over but I still take piles of supplements every day. I drag my ass out of bed even though I'd very happily stay there all day. I run almost every second day. I bike in my basement. I cook, I look after my kids, I cook for my mom, I shop I rarely lay around all day, in fact I can't remember the last day I just did nothing. I try so hard. I go for my IVs every week, I am in constant contact with my therapist and psychiatrist. I am working so hard to improve myself, but I'm battling two disease here. And before surgery you're not allowed to take naltrexone so it's a rough go.

I am not OK. Cancer isn't active right now in my body but I worry every day. I have some really dark moments, I fear the future and regret the past when I get in that spiral and I have to work so hard to bring myself to the present to be there for my kids. They are my reason for living. Nothing more. Everyday I drag my ass out of bed I see their faces in my mind. Every day when I want to give up, I keep going for them. They deserve a mom.

But when cancer treatment ends, you're not OK. I'm traumatized, I'm still kind of in shock sometimes when I look in the mirror at my naked self. It's not anywhere near the person I've known my whole life. Everything has changed in a year. I hold it in and try to hold my head up but the truth is it really sucks. I want my nice boobs back. I want my nice hair back. I don't want to be in menopause. I don't want to be dealing with alcohol issues. I don't want to be a vegan.

It really sucks. I've now depleted the Go Fund me with my treatments so I have to make decisions. My doctor still wont let me go back to work and I just sit home wanting to do something but then I feel so unmotivated it's incredible.

This upcoming surgery Tuesday is stressing me. It's made me get real with myself. As positive as I often am, the truth is that sometimes I look at myself, what I've been through this past year and it just fucking sucks. I don't spend too much time feeling sorry for myself but today I'm just putting it out there. It's not easy.

Breast cancer is savage. Stage 3c breast cancer even more so. They told me I'd be lucky to live 5 years. I'm year one now. I'm tired of fighting. OF course I'm not giving up but I'm fucking sick of hospitals and surgeries and recovery and pain and suffering.

I'm still doing my mantra 15-20 times morning and night. I don't know if it's helping yet. I have two more weeks until we'll see a change at all. It takes 3 weeks minimum to rewire pathways in the brain.

But today I'm not OK. I want to run away. From my life, from myself, from everything but I can't. My head hurts, my neck hurts....my femur is sore. I have diarrhea. It's not fun. It's all just post cancer, emotions, stress, meds.

No one knows what it takes to have test upon test....wait for the results. Bounce back....recover. Go through it all.....unless they've done it themselves. Cancer attacks everything. It changes your mind, your body and your soul.

When people die of cancer they often say "so and so lost their battle", but that couldn't be farther from the truth. That person battled probably for years, they didn't lose a battle, it just was their time to go.

I'm battling now....it's tough. Chemo obviously was worse, as was radiation but putting myself back together is an equally tough battle and it's a one person job. At the end of the day you can't count on anyone to tell you who you are, what you're capable of or what you can become.

Also at the end of the day it's no one's place to tell you what you're not, to criticize you or to talk shit. There will be people like that who choose to only see what you're not doing, or feel sorry for themselves becuase YOU got cancer and are dealing with it.

Those people aren't helpful on a healing journey.

Of course family members go through so much and that's why there are many resources for family members of people suffering from cancer of who've undergone treatment. It isn't easy for family but there are systems in place to support them. It takes a brave person to access help but sometimes it's necessary even if you aren't the one with cancer.

It's super tough to watch a loved one battle cancer and if you're someone who has had to watch it or are in it. There are resources and they will facilitate healing of the relationship and of the person you love. Access them.

For me, I do what I can. Today is the last day I can eat solids before my surgery Tuesday. I'll have my surgery Tuesday, and re-enter ketosis and stay there likely until summer, if not longer.

I have to pump myself up for another battle and today I just don't feel it. I feel deflated and just want to sit in my chair and watch masterchef. Maybe eat a samosa and drink a cooler.

It's a battle everyday. It really is.

I tought today I'd have a fresh lid, blonde and fun and feel fresh. Instead I feel angry, sad and disappointed.

Send some love my friends, I'm feeling low low low.

This is the reality of cancer. No unicorns on rainbows today.