So I had my surgery yesterday. Checking in and being there again made me so anxious and waiting to go in to surgery they had to sedate me a little becuse I was so aggitated. When I had my mastectomy I was anxious but I didn't feel as anxious as I did this time, so crazy because it was a much more serious surgery. Jason was able to sit with me until I was wheeled in which was nice but I just wasn't looking forward to it at all.
This time I was awake when they strapped me onto the table, the strap your arms out, your chest down and strap your lower section. I had a minor panic attack and my blood pressure spiked and they had to calm me down with the mask over the face, saying breathe breathe breathe...it was awful. I remember this time falling asleep. For the mastectomy it was just BOOM I was out.
When I woke up I could've sworn I saw Finnie in the hospital. THe nurse said I was having hallucinations but I insisted no, he was there. As I came to I realized...obviously dogs aren't allowed in. They pumped me full of morphine and tylenol and benedryl because the anesthetic made me itchy all over.
Then because of my pneumonitis my oxygen levels started to tank and they had to put me on oxygen and monitor me closely and told me I might have to stay the night if my saturation levels didn't rise. So I closed my eyes and took deep breaths and calmed my mind and body. The numbers did start to rise.
The surgery didn't go as planned, they were hoping to perform a full fistulotomy where they open the entire length of the tract up but the canal passed through too much muscle so they had to insert what's called a seton which is like a rubber band that ties up and protrudes from your body.
In picture A you can see how the fistula is a tract that runs from inside to outside the butt cheek. Chemotherapy weakend that area which was damaged when I had my babies and the tract opened. In pic B you can see how they tie it off basically outide on the buttcheek.
It's not sexy. Fucking chemotherapy. Fucking cancer. But friends, this is a blog about real stuff that happens after cancer, it's not always pretty and some of it is embarrassing and it's nothing most people would share but A LOT of people go through it and I'm not too proud to tell my story. It hurts a fair bit just because of the bruising but I am told I won't feel a thing in a week or so.
This band will stay in place for 2-3 months and will just drain so I don't develop an infection or an absess. It also strengthens the skin inside around the band so the reconstructive surgery I'll have in 3 months is easier.
I'm home now, in my chair, in my bed....feeling like...is this ever going to end. I have a CTC test coming up - circulating tumor cell test, to see if there are cancer cells floating around in my blood. That one makes me anxious but honestly, I'm just starting to accept that my life will be a series of tests and challenges for the next bit, or maybe for a while.
I am re-entering ketosis and that's a rough road too....but easier this time because I have the knowledge and know exactly what foods to eat and can really meal plan.
Today it feels like spring is around the corner and although things didn't work out the way I had hoped, I'm still alive and I still have hope.
That's the thing about all these experiences for me, they are teaching me to be strong, to get myself back up. To pull myself from depression and to learn new ways to change my mind to a more positive state. My mantra has been helping and I don't feel quite as lost today, morphine helps too.
I think tonight I will look through the seed catalogue and plan my garden, start my seeds early and hope for a nice warm spring.
Life keeps going, and the days are getting longer and there's promise in the sunshine.
I've been dealt a shitty hand but I'm still in the game.
Dr. says if I rest for a few days I might even be able to manage a little jog by the weekend.
The human body is an amazing thing and modern medicine equally impressive in situations like this one.
Goddamn it I will jog this weekend because I'll tell you what.....
It's gonna take a lot more than a little cancer and a pain in the ass to put this horse down.
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