#114 Here We Go Again

My next surgery is scheduled for April 26. This is almost a year to the date I finished the last round of Taxol chemo. This time a year ago I still had a baseball size tumor in my right breast and and armpit full of cancer. My fingertips and toes were numb, my legs ached and I was so happy that the suffering from chemo was ending. I was gearing up for what would be my next surgery. A year later I find myself doing the same. Minus the chemo side effects. Now I'm the recipient of hormonal suppressors and exemestane and their reciprocal effects.

Gearing up for a double mastectomy and axillary dissection wasn't easy. It's a MAJOR surgery. I remember the time I tried to minimize it by saying to my therapist that it's a surgery to remove cancer and he reminded me that it was actually a surgery to remove two body parts, and a large portion of my upper body lymphatic system. To minimize it would be to suppress it. To suppress it would be to internalize it and to do that would create more of the same. The same being emotions internalized that feed cancer.

My next surgery on Monday is to repair an injury from childbirth (not mine - but me having a children) cancer treatment worsened that and now I need to address before it becomes cancer. It's a priority. Obviously. No one gets a surgery these days without really needing it which kind of freaks me out, but still....I accept and appreciate that the medical system churns on for me. I feel lucky to be able to receive care, but afraid knowing it's no small thing. Recovery is going to suck.

SO here I am a year later, preparing myself mentally for surgery. Preparing to heal. To build my inner strength. Preparing to fast, to go back on vegan keto, to lose another 20lbs.

I've spoken with my Shaman, summoning my spirits to watch over me, to guide me. It's not an easy thing. It involves a lot of internal dialogue and dialogue with the universe. A lot of letting go. A lot of self talk.

Not too many people right now are having surgery in the midst of the worst of the pandemic in Ontario. I will do it alone. I will be dropped off at the door. Just like for my mastectomy.

Tomorrow I go for my umpteenth covid test, I'm not eligible for the vaccine it would crash my immune system, my white blood cell count is still too low. I've done mistletoe, herbal immune boosting but my numbers are still low. It's tough. Chemo is some serious shit. Looking back I think I just pushed through because I had to, but now I feel some..... residual stress as a result of not "feeling" when I was going through it. Almost like PTSD.

So now, as the nation vaccinates I still am at risk, I still am battling like I have been since November 2019. I almost don't remember what it's like to feel normal. I don't know if I will again. Starting Sunday morning I'm on a fast, I have to for surgery, full bowel cleanse which for anyone who has done it knows is a bit of nightmare. I feel like I'm stuck in an endless loop of tests and procedures. It takes a lot of energy to just get out of bed these past few days.

Covid at first didn't affect me. I was battling something much bigger, I had been isolating for 4 months before the real 1st wave so this is all old news to me. I go places, to the grocery store, I see my friends at a distance....I feel like I need to. To feel just a little bit alive. I felt like it was me saying "fuck you to cancer" but really I was being irresponsible. It's hard to draw any lines when you live in the grey.

Covid on it's own is one thing. You know...most of you will make it through. Covid and cancer is another, we don't know if we'll make it through to normal life. Remember, they gave me max 5 years.....I've spent the last one isolated and restricted and it makes me angry. It makes me say "fuck it". But.....now.....I'm behaving. I've been home. Watching TV, today I mowed the lawn. Yay me.

I have to keep my family priorities in order, which in turn will make my health priorities in order. At the end of the day being disciplined is what is. Everyday I'm learning. My personal desire to have a buzz or feel relief is secondary to my survival. My babies need me and any parent knows when the cards are down, you do what you have to. To save yourself for those who depend on you.

So in a few days I start another healing journey and everytime they cut into me they release a little of the power I have. I have to start again, I have to build myself back up. I have to refuse to just lay down. I must be strong. It's not an option.

I have to rise up again against the odds and this time work not only on building myself up but also a business for myself because my doctor still wont let me work in public and my treatments are sinking us into debt.

It's a lot but I do believe I can handle it.

Today I sat down and wrote to my children. I wrote to them in case I didn't make it out of surgery. It's an awful thing to have to do....feels so much like a life unfinished. What would you say to your kids? Can you even imagine? I try to cover everything....but there's just no way to replace yourself with words.

It's not a huge procedure but my risk factors are high whenever I go "under" and yesterday I had to sign a bunch of consent forms releasing my surgeon from any lawsuits because I had cancer treatment and my immune system is low and I have damage from radiation.

Imagine trying to write a letter to your kids......thinking you might not be around for them. It breaks you. It broke me yesterday and I cried myself to sleep, Jason held my hand and just layed beside me. He is positive I'll make it. Which I need but I have to make sure I leave my babies with something.....just in case. It puts it all into prespective. It's so hard.

So I'll ask....like I did when I first found out I had cancer. Please pray for me, send me light and healing on Monday.

I appreciate it. I feel it.

It matters.

XO