Everything is shit.
Our dog is dying.
Jason is a stranger to me.
I'm in a harm reduction program for substance abuse.
My yearly tests are coming up in 3 weeks. That alone is enough to kill anyone with anxiety.
I'm lonely I'm unstable and I'm angry.
3 of the finest ladies I've known have been diagnosed with invasive ductal carcinoma in the past 2 weeks. They've messaged me and I them. My support is unwavering.
The trauma is unavoidable.
The therapists and counsellors can clearly understand why I'm not myself lately, my family maybe not so much. They want me back. The old me.
That me is gone.
I know it know. I'll never be the same. What this disease has done is tear me open to the world. I share my thoughts and feelings because I know somehow someway I can help someone, even one person who feels like I do.
It's all true and it for the most part....sucks.
I know my blog has been funny, inspirational and informative for these reasons I am glad but what I want to accomplish with it is a letting go. For me.....it's therapy.
Lately I need more therapy than I can let go into a blog. That's the thing about cancer. Once the whole "active" process of trying to kill it is over, everyone thinks you should be grateful to be alive.
All I feel is damaged, traumatized and angry.
Probably because it's forced me to face that I was all those things before I had cancer.....and that's maybe WHY I got cancer.
Just think about that.
It's not a long blog but it's a meaningful one.
Don't let your demons or anger or resentment or hurt or baggage fester my friends because it breeds disease.
Try to return to the little person you....the young you.....
Who expected nothing but love and had nothing to be sorry for and deserved the best and expected it without having to earn it.
Remind yourself of the you inside you that loves unconditionally and understands we are all doing our best.
Go back to the you that was the first you. The pure you.
I'm not sure but I think that's where healing begins.
And fuck it.
I'm nowhere close.
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