It's been a minute.
I feel that I haven't had much to say, yet I've been through so much.
This isn't an easy blog to write. SO please don't judge. More people go through what I'm about to describe than you can imagine.
A month and a half ago I had thoughts of suicide. I acted on those thoughts. I started walking to the mountains edge. I felt like it was an out of body experience. I just wanted the mental anguish and thoughts to stop. I wanted a fucking break..... Luckily the cancer hospital is betweeen my house and the cliff. I was thinking I was going to swan dive off into lower Hamilton.
I could explain the cascade of events that got me to that point but for now I'm just going to say that life got so overwhelming. There were so many things that happened in one day that I snapped. There's been so much lately, home school, friends being diagnosed, finances, life, relationship. There's only so much a person can handle.
Luckily, I thought of my children and my family and instead of going to the cliff I went to the emergency. They treated me, sent me to the psychiatric emergency and I saw my therapists and we made a plan and adjusted my meds. It was a moment in time. I did the right thing but that I even made it that far was terrifying. I'm doing much better but there are dark moments. This is the after effect of being told you may live 2 years....and you're 43 with two little girls and a man who you just started a happy life with, to have it shattered or threatened....talk of grandchildren makes me break down inside, whereas before they made me so excited....the future so uncertain.
Everyday I feel like I'm battling an invisible force. Everyday every choice, emotional, physical, biological - food....exercise... it's all so much more important now. I feel I'm struggling constantly for my life. It's exhausting. The reprieve has been alcohol, but that doesn't help....it dulls life and increases my chances of recurrence. It's been a real battle. More about booze in my next blog....
The past few weeks I've been preparing myself mentally for my semi-annual tests. Bone scan was July 6 and today I had my full chest/abo/pelvis CT scan with contrast. These tests will detect any active cancer in my body.
I had a horrible sleep last night, I was so anxious. This morning....Jason drove me to Mc Master and I had my CT. I think due to my stress and new meds I had a reaction to the contrast dye and had to stay extra long in hospital until they released me. I realized. This is my life.....now. Unless I want to just say Fuck it, never have another test and just let go and asssume if I'm sick I'll know.
Unfortunately, I'm a proactive person so I need these tests, so I can catch anything early. For my children. They need me so much. I see it everyday. I can't die. I refuse. Even though I so badly want to escape this life, this pressure this awful disease and it's fallout. PTSD. Anxiety, depression. I just want a getaway for a day or two. To feel what it might feel like to be a 43 year old mom with two young girls and a whole life ahead of her. To just laugh and feel free.
Fact is....that may be exactly what I am. I've been too in my head, too afraid, too worried about the wrong things. No one knows when their expiry date is.
I've gained 15lbs from the hormone suppressors, my sex drive is zero. My career is on hold. I have no personal financial freedom anymore, I don't know what to do with myself most days. I struggle when I exercise....before I excelled. I look in the mirror and even though my hair is blonde again I don't know who the person is looking back. It's been so hard.
This morning as I layed on the CT machine I just prayed, please....let me be cancer free. I just want more time. I have 3 days now during which I hang in the balance. Then I realized, we all hang in the balance everyday. Not quite like I do but no one can predict the future.
Over the past month and a half 3 women I am close with have been diagnosed with breast cancer. It's not OK, it makes me so mad. If it were a disease that affected men, so much more research would be happening. More funding, more attention, more awareness for young girls and women. It lights a fire in me.
This fire is keeping me going. To support these women, and many more who've been where I'm at or may be. Breast cancer is so much more than a surgery and chemo. It's a complete and total reinvention of who you are, as a woman, mother and partner.
It's a game changer in more ways than you'd imagine upon diagnosis. A year and a half later I'm still healing the wounds and managing to get through days.
Today. I sat in my chair and watched trash TV.
The joy today came from the fact that it's my nephews 7th birthday and seeing the joy on his face, the excitement in his face for his life.
The universe makes no accidents. He was born today 7 years ago to help me today, 7 years later to find the courage and the joy to see that life really is a wonderful adventure and to find the young girl inside me, before all of this began.
The world is a wonderful place and I'm so glad I'm still here.
And I'm so grateful for the smile from my sweet nephew. 7 really is a wonderful age. I was transported back for a moment or two and it was sweet.
XO
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