#122 Results Are In.... I Am The Yogurt.

There are people who read the end of the book before they decide if they're going to buy the book but buy the book anyway, knowing how it turns out because they can't handle not knowing who the killer is.

I recall a few years ago while we were camping at Pancake (aka Heaven on Earth), that I was completely immersed in a murder mystery novel. No one really made much comment except that it must be good because every spare moment I was plowing through the pages.

When I finished it I stood up and yelled "The Doctor did it!" and tossed it into the sand. My sister looked at me like she couldn't believe it and said "I was going to ask you to read that next....now there's no point". In this particular case I would have tended to agree because really it was all about the whodunnit. It's still a funny story.

I digress.....

This blog is about the three days I just suffered through and the end result.

I have slept poorly, every dream some version of me in a Doctors office waiting for results. Last night I had a dream my childhood Doctor had my chart and I was trying to read the results but none of the words made sense. They say you can't read in dreams. I can attest this claim is true. At least for me.

I have woken up in cold sweats, racing heart, nervous thoughts. Thoughts of what if....and what next.....and just wanting more time. All hinging on the bone scan results and CT scan results. Hoping against hope and against odds I am not showing any metastatic spread. 1.5years later......with a highly aggressive cancer like mine, anything can spring up. This is why I am getting tested so frequently despite the fact I may soon glow in the dark and the radiation alone may cause fallout effects.

Anyway....the past 3 mornings I've awoken early and tried to force myself back to sleep because the thought of going through the day just waiting is so painful. It's when I forced myself back to sleep that the worst dreams came. I decided just best then to get up, and wander around, somewhat aimlessly and without purpose. I look at my garden, don't do much but look maybe eat a pea or two. And then end up back in my chair watching stupid TV.

Yesterday I actually ate a burger and fries, I can't explain it. I just wanted it so I got it. I made me feel so gross. I had to take a gaviscon. Then I took some extra sleepy tincture and went to bed.

This morning was my appointment. I sat in that Drs office just sweating. Literally dripping. So afraid and anxious of what was to be.

He came in looked at my scans and said " all good....there is no cancer here". He told me that chemo and my anti hormone pills are affecting my liver, and I have sustained permanent lung damage from radiation, and also I've gained 18lbs because of these pills that put me into menopause.

I just put my head back, closed my eyes and said thank you. Not for the things that were wrong, but for the fact they couldn't detect cancer. There was a day when hearing I'd gained 18lbs would've sent me spiralling, not anymore. Don't like it....don't look.

When I was debating which way to go with my treatment when I was first diagnosed my integrative oncologist said "let's take care of this cancer aggressively and deal with what comes after but if we don't, it will certainly kill you".

So I did, and here I am, some injuries, some weakness but no cancer detected.....

More time......more time with my babies, my Jason, my family and to grow and learn how to manage life.

He said we have still 3.5 years to go until my odds decrease, until I'm no longer in the highest risk category but for now this is good. He told me the most important thing is exercise. He told me though.....no one knows what the future holds. These tests, yes they are good but also, I wasted those days and there was nothing wrong with me.....the stress I caused to myself and the injury to my system was great. I had heartburn and headaches and I was weak and anxious.

For what? I couldn't change the outcome, and he reminded me someday, all of us will have a result we don't like, or we won't even see it coming.....but today, and yesterday and those days before, I wasted them....and told me not to waste anymore. What will be will be.

I can only do my best and think positively.

I walked out of the office and looked up at the sky and just thought....fuck.. What a ride life is.

I am learning so much.

Cancer is a great teacher. It puts mortality and life into prespective.

No one knows when our expiry dates will be but the reminder that there will be one helps me to focus more on the small things, and less worry about the inevitable or unpredictable.

Will it rain when I plan a picnic? I can't tell and I don't care. I can't stop it. Metaphorically and literally.

It's like the yogurt in the fridge, sure there's an expected date when it turns bad but it's there to remind you to enjoy it. Some yogurts last WAY longer than those dates and some don't.

John Lennon was the Walrus.....although......he was on acid when he wrote that song and he also said he was the eggman, but that's neither here nor there. (And eggs last way longer than the dates on the carton btw).

I am not on acid but I can proclaim:

I am the yogurt.

They gave me an "expected" expiration date, but I'm still yummy. I plan to be for many more years.

For those who scrolled right to the end:

Prognosis: No metastatic disease detected. Check back in 6 months and live on.