I haven't blogged in "a minute". Which is a new expression I don't care for. What's with all this new language, dances, tik toks....I love me a good meme like the next person but I am starting to feel disconnected to my 13 year old and I don't understand the dances and the trends, I don't love the mom jeans, nor the center part. All of a sudden there's a young adult living in my house.
She's had to grow up a little faster than most 12 year old, your Mom having cancer really does make a person question things like fairness, life, death and health. Lately I've been concerned about her limiting her calories, becoming a little obsessed with health and hey....I get it. I have a supplement schedule that would rival checks as an air traffic controller. It's non stop. I'm popping supplements, going for IVs, constant appointments....
She's been affected. SO I presume so has Madeleine. And Jason. The cracks are starting to show.
They don't tell you when you're diagnosed with cancer that it would likely ruin your life while you adjust to surviving treatment. No more real attention to the fact you survived the horrible initial treatments - chemo, surgery and rads.
When I feel awful, I know it's because it takes years to overcome chemo and being radiated for 35 days straight. I know it's because of the hormone treatment I take to try to keep the cancer away. I know it's because my nerves are reconnecting where they cut my chest in half. I know it's because the muscles in my arm where they removed the lymph nodes are tight and lymphatic fluid doesn't flow down my dominant arm anymore. I know it's because they had to cut out some of the muscle from my chest and underarm so my bone and ligaments are more exposed.
I don't complain too much about all of that. Most days I feel it. Today is a rainy day I feel it all. But...how do I know if this is side effect or new pain? So I have to, as instructed go to my Dr with my complaints.
My mood is low. The hormone treatment and "post treatment PTSD" is a real thing. As every November approaches I dread it because it was when I was diagnosed.
The fall air makes me anxious because I remember my last fall as a "free" person. When I say "free" I don't necessarily mean happy I guess I mean naive and oblivious. Before cancer I took forgranted the pumpkin spice latte...so many chemicals, so fatty, caffeine..... I just enjoyed it. The smell of pumpkin literally can send me straight to google to check on the stats of my cancer to see if they've changed at all in 17 months.
I do want a latte and a slice of apple pie but I know what's in it so even if I decide to have one, I don't love it like I did. Cancer has totally ruined crap food for me. I still eat it sometimes, but it's not the same. It's like sex after your boyfriend cheated. It's good, but there's just something about knowing what's in there that's repulsive and deep down unhealthy and you know it. The purity is over, never to be recovered, no matter how hard you try. You've been through it. It's a reality now.
Being "free" was to not think about how lovely fall was with a small part of you wondering how many you have left....it was just to enjoy.
I am working on forgetting about cancer, but it's hard to forget something you fight everyday on some level. Plus I have an upcoming ultrasound to check my liver, pancreas and lymph system. My liver enzymes are elevated, I have pain in my amputated arm. So I have to wait and just go to the ultrasound. Elevated liver enzymes are never a good sign.
Distraction is key. I have returned to work. I love it. I get to talk about health and supplements all day and I get to help people who are suffering or ill. I get it to let my mind go to empathy and compassion and help. I put my knowledge and love of nutrition and holistic medicine to practice. I could talk about probiotics or liposomal formulations for hours for free....but it's nice to get paid to do it!
Being out in the world again as someone other than "someone who had cancer" is nice. People who come in don't know my story unless I share it, but I've found I talk less and listen more to them about theirs. Cancer lesson. I take time not to thank the cancer itself, but the experience of fighting for my life. It has made me aware of just how precious each person is. How lucky they are to be alive. Not just me.
I listen to old people with much more interest now. I pause to hear their stories and take any advice more seriously. They are treasures to us. Truly.
When I say "free" I don't mean unable to do what I want....I mean I did what I want without thinking too far ahead "how is this going to really turn out". Spontaniety is a rare commodity now. I am not "free" in that once you acknowledge your mortality, things are different. Some more precious, some more insane, some downright not needed.
I still struggle with not turning to alcohol to make the memory of cancer go away and give me back the "free" but deep down I know the "free" you get from alcohol is a prison and you've never been less free than when you need something to make the world go away. Yet, it's a seductive mistress who promises at least for a few hours a true escape from reality, from consequence and from life.
I realize, if I wanted an escape from life I could've just killed myself or tried a little less hard to defeat cancer. I would've given up. I'm not ready to, but it's getting hard. What they don't tell you about initially surviving cancer is that you will always have tests.
I am now waiting for my results from my ultrasound. The tech said "I'm marking this urgent, but don't be alarmed when I say that it's just so your doctor gets it sooner". oh FUCK. Say what you want but urgent is urgent and I saw a black spot on the monitor that looked familiar to my tumor. Maybe it's scar tissue, who knows but I'm back in the wormhole again.
It's Saturday and I have left my bed to go only to my chair to watch TV and nibble on dry rice crackers and fret. I've had to drop down to two Vitamin Cs a month because it's just too expensive. I've had to cut out supplements because we just simply can't float a mortgage, a car, two kids me working part time and a $5000 a month health bill. Some things have to go.
I'm off mistletoe, 2x week Vit C. Organic from my garden when I can but I worry. Maybe it will come back. I will know Monday what the ultrasound shows so today I'm just in shut down mode.
I am afraid again, I am just sitting here. Waiting. I know I should get out there, jog, ride my bike, do the stairs, clean something, make something but I just don't feel like it. I'm just going to sit here and watch TV. No one tells you this is life after the inital phase. Some days you just "can't" so you don't. You retreat, talk little and just try to make it to tomorrow.
I still have 2.5 years to go until I enter a different "prognosis" bracket, so I worry.
Kids are happy, back at school, making friends, having fun and that is wonderful for me to see.....Jason is back at work. I am working for now....2 days a week to get used to it. In the back of my mind there's always this nagging feeling....am I doing enough? I am doing too much of something, not enough of something else. I need to do more exercise.....
It's come to the point I look in the mirror and I don't recognize the person there.
Regardless of what happens Monday, I'm going to get up.....start running again, drink more water and eat more greens. I will put myself first and hope by doing so my family comes back together and we can all move forward despite cancer.
For today, I again, ask for your prayers and positive thoughts as I sit here.
Oh and any new netflix/crave/prime recommendations. I'm ready to watch life go by for today tuned in to the idiot box, as my father has always called it.
He is rarely wrong.
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