Monday Oct 18, my shift for work started around 3:30. I decided, as it was a brilliantly beautiful and lovely fall day that I would ride my bike to work. I was thinking how lovely it was to be able to ride, to feel good and to be heading to my job. Making money again, able to catch up on some bills, get my career back on track and just feel like a normal person.
The driver of the car didn't even see me, squeezed me between the car and the curb and in a no win decision I took the curb. I feel straight onto my outstretched right arm. I knew instantly something was hurting. I could hardly lift my bike with my arm, but thinking it would just pass - an acute, short term pain after falling. I got back on my bike and suffered to work. When I arrived I realized when I tried to get off my bike....it wasn't fading but the pain was increasing. I was ordered to the hospital. I think this is when the adrenaline kicked in and I insisted I could ride to Emerg. I was sure it was just something minor, however temporarily painful....as I rode this feeling started to fade. I barely made it to lock my bike and limp into Emergency.
Back at the fucking Hospital again. Honestly, I'm so sick of it. I know the routine now. I saw the room and knew I'd be there for hours. I figured there was no point messaging anyone yet. No need to cause worry or upset. If I need to text I will.
The pain was increasing in a way I hadn't experienced before. I was becoming nauseous from the feeling and a nurse walked by and told me she wanted to put me in a wheel chair and wheeled me into a little room. A doctor came, I explained the incident and she sent me off to X-ray.
Fast forward to 3 hours of excruciating pain later. Diagnosis: Fracture of the proximal humerus. The humerus is the long bone in the upper arm that connects in the ball and socket joint of the shoulder, under the collarbone. I had fractured the outside edge of the top of the ball and part of the shaft of the bone. You can see the darkened area at the head of the bone, extending down. Those white rice looking things are titanium surgical clips that were placed during the amputation of my right breast where the tumor was, and my lymphatic system was removed.
She told me this was a painful break, and ordered some toradol for the pain, put me in a shitty cheesecloth sling and told me I needed to go to the Fracture Clinic tomorrow to be further assessed and managed.
This is when I text Jason. I felt so awful doing it. We were just getting back to a point where I wasn't relying on him for everything, where I was indepedant and feeling well, where I wasn't a worry and a burden. I didn't want it to end.....when he picked me up I could just see in his face that I'm sure he felt like I did. Why this shit again....why? He put me and the bike into the car and drove me home. That night I slept restlessly despite the toradol. Why more? Don't I deserve a break. I was just getting back to work....
The next day I went to the fracture clinic. This time I saw the Orthapaedic Surgeon, he was to give me a definitive diagnosis.
FUCK. It's true. The bone likely snapped due partly to the medication I take to keep cancer away that blocks estrogen which makes your bones strong. I am menopausal and increasingly at risk of osteoporosis......good times.
So. I was sent home and told not to MOVE for a week and come back to the clinic for more Xrays. Because Lord knows 35 rounds of radiation wasn't quite enough....a few dozen more Xrays will do the job.
A week later.....
Dr. comes in.....proceeds to point out that I've obviously been moving. I mean..what is "moving" really? I thought. I said "Well, maybe a little". He says "Give me an example", I said "Uh I don't know, maybe trying to put my hair in a pony, emptying the dishwasher...the obvious, wiping my butt, getting in and out of the shower". He says without hesitation "Yeah, that's all too much" and he continues "See here....(points to my arm bone) see how this is pulling away from the collarbone and the fracture (points to the now slightly jagged edge of the head of the bone) is displaced slightly....?" I put my head down and said "yes" quietly....
He said "unless you want this surgery" and pulls up this picture.
And says "You NEED to go home and NOT MOVE your right shoulder at all. Like nothing."
Double FUCK. So I made my next apt for Nov 9. I was headed home to do NOTHING and thank GOD I installed a bidet in my fancy toilet when I had my mastectomy so I could at least wipe my butt. Everything else is a hard NO.
I notified my boss who had just finished my return to work paperwork and requested another leave of absence....I was devestated. I just returned to work. I had JUST started to feel human again. Now, I'm back to having no income, no independance, no freedom and daily pain and back in my chair and bed watching the world go by.
It's sucked and my fear of cancer recurrance has skyrocketed due to depression and PTSD from being in hospitals again and all the pain and immobility and not being able to help my kids with things, not being able to hug them, not being able to participate, feeling numb and excluded. It's been awful. The pain is horrendous. I think worse than the mastectomy.
My broken arm just hangs in an immobilizer now. I do nothing. Watching my bills accumulate again...sitting here. Netflix and ill.
Then I start coughing and have an awful headache and can't smell. Seriously??? Now I'm sick?
I'm not vaccinated. My white blood cells just returned to normal. It's too soon..
So my big adventure this week was a car ride to the Covid testing center. I continued to get more sick. Lost my voice...waiting for my results to come in.
Two days later....
Phew. So basically I have an old-fashioned cold. Likely from the stress and inaction and in and out of hospital.
Yesterday I woke up early and did use my arm a little. I had to. I had to do my little girl's makeup. It's Halloween and I want her to remember me there, I want her to know I loved it too and wanted to help her. It hurt like hell but I didn't let it show, and have spent the last two days immobile on pain killer and ice packs and in bed. It was worth it to see her little smiling face, they don't stay little for long. I got to look at her, see her childhood joy and love of fun and holidays.
Obviously I'll stay still from now on and watch through the window, as the days pass and try to overcome the anxiety. My cancerversary is coming up next month, this time of year is triggering as is.
Regardless, I continue to keep my head up. I move forward. I am grateful for each day I wake up and I'm even more determined when this heals to get back out into life. For now I just try to understand why these things keep happening.
I can still watch my little girl dance in the living room, I can watch my teenager grow and become a wonderful young lady. I can still feel love.
I have two more weeks until I find out if I'll need that awful surgery. Until then....I'll go back to what worked before. Focus on the positive, take it day by day, take the pain in stride and look ahead to better days.
They have to be coming....I refuse to accept otherwise.
Komen