Yes. That's all my hair.
I didn't quite go "Brittney" but I did cut it all off.
Why?
Because it's a pain in the ass. And....I'm sick of being another blonde girl. I was bald...I've been to the other side.
I grew my hair back for my children so they could feel that I was the me I was....unfortunately it all felt fake. I'm not the me I was. I never will be. The blonde isn't me. Never was.
I don't even know how it got started. I used to love dying my hair black, blue, purple, white....in highschool. I loved being punk. I loved having my ears pierced all the way up. I loved Nine Inch Nails, I loved Tool, I loved Perry Ferrell, I loved GNR I loved U2 I loved outliers, I loved edge. I loved everything edgy and artsy. What happened to me???
Well.....I don't really know but today I took a little bit back. I cut it all off. I went with the punk look I've always wanted. I feel the insides match the outsides now.
My kids weren't crazy about it and Jason wasn't either but I was. This is what I wanted. Punk Rock. Fuck it.
I've always been different in my opinions, on the cusp.
I mean really....I have two children born to two wonderfully and totally eccentic men. It didn't last but that's my life. My kids know me. Maybe they don't know the whole me. The punk me. The "fuck it" me. The I want a baby no matter what me, but they know love and art and music and family.
Coming close to death makes you come closer to life. I am grateful I've had the chance to survive cancer for now, to speak my truth, to truly get a chance to be my true self.
Today I walked in to my favorite salon Fascinature in Hamilton. The owner Jennifer was mildly distracted because her friends had been imprisonned while trying to protect Indigeonous land in BC. She's an advocate and an impassioned supporter of Canada's first people. We chatted and it was so strange that while she dyed my hair she was getting updates about who was being taken in BC to jail.
It's just not OK. Let's just keep politics out of it for now.....
Anyway.....not to be narcissictic about it all..but it is my blog...we got on to talking about my hair and what i wanted.
What do I want??
I want you to cut it off. I want you to dye it funky.
I want to see me.
She has been my stylist since my first sprouts came out after chemo. She was the one who told me to wait...she was the one who wouldn't dye it or cut it. I needed time.
She was the one who said, you're not ready.....she told me come back and I did. We did the blonde like before.
Something inside me wanted more. I wanted my insides to match my outsides. I wanted punk....I wanted short I wanted cool.....
Today she said....."I'll do it" I said....."Do it".
I'm looking in the mirror and...
I'm putting on David Bowie, Tool, The Rolling Stones, Beck, Led Zeppelin, U2 and so many other bands I've loved. I'm going to dance and rejoice because I'm claiming myself back.
I may not have breasts anymore. I may not be "conventionally" beautiful but damn it I'm one in a million. One of a kind.
We all are.
Today....I didn't just cut my hair because I had to. I cut it because I wanted to.
I want to be the real me.
Here she is
Isn't she just so much herself???
I love me.
Holy shit it's been a hard road to those words....
I'll say it again....here she is.
I love her. She's one in a million.
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