#129 Nutcracker is RIGHT.

My mother has always leaned towards experiences instead of gifts.

My children have come to expect from BAP (their name for her) a ticket to an orchestra seat at the Four Seasons Centre for the Preforming Arts to witness one of the most truly wonderful things on Earth. The National Ballet Nutcracker.

Tickets are hard to come by, you have to log in early, you have to be a member, you have to WANT IT.

This year I took the liberty of doing the dirty work. Managed to secure some ochestra seating for the Tuesday afternoon show. YAY. I am AMAZING. Master of internet purchases. First in line.....even qualified for the kids ornament decorating shit show.

And then it was mid November, then later in November....then Omicron...and blah...and so then Doug reduced capacity.....BUT....because my mom paid the most for the tickets she still qualified to be dispersed with the 50% remaining for the ballet.

YAY! Let's get fancy. Look forward to it. Play the nutcracker around the house...let's talk about it. Anticipation is, I think, more than 70% of the deal. SO we did.

I awoke at 8 am Tuesday. Steamed pressed the girls dresses. (Facebook pics before the collapse of the universe).

Anyway, I drove the kids, dressed up....to my Moms, picked her up and weaved my way through downtown Toronto. Circled the block by the Four Seasons....underground parking....I was just there to drop off. The lovely man at the gate told me to park in the handicapped spot. I felt at that moment he could see into my soul. He gave me 15 minutes to drop off my beautiful family and return.

Up the elevator.

Note on the door:

"Today's preformance of the Nutcracracker has been cancelled"

Ari says I went "Atomic Karen". I still don't really know what that means but I was like spiderman on the ticket wicket. And....I had my timer going for parking.

I think I did go Nuclear. Just to see Madeleine dressed up so sweet and Ari to be forced into a dress she didn't want to wear....but put it on because the magic of the Nutcracker at the National Ballet is second to none.

We all expressed our disappoinment in different ways. I became " Karen" my mom cried behind her Dior glasses. Madeleine just looked like someone shot her dog in the fanciest dress. Ari stood in the lobby glaring at me.

In the moment I identified most with Ari. I was so mad.

Ah, what can we do.. I said "Let's go....I've got 5 minutes until I have to pay$25 for this misadventure". We left.

The ride out was quiet.

My mother salvaged the day by taking my beauties to a fancy lunch and then back home to change and bounce it out at the trampoline park. She's a good Mom.

I sat home.

Holy fuck. Like....how is everyone???? Is this enough?

I've had enough.

This was one day.

I haven't blogged lately because I've been in a very dark place.

My identity was stolen, so if you messaged me on my phone...I have a new number now.

Criminals stole over $10K from my cards and online accounts. I have had to reset everything.

I filed a police report and I will get it back....it's just been a nightmare.

My medical teams haven't been on the same page and as a result I've been prescribed meds that interacted and I have attempted suicide twice this month.

Don't be shocked. Be aware. It wasn't me. It was the mix of meds and the lack of communication between doctors.

I'm ok.

I spent Saturday in the detox and psych ward. We've figured it out.

I'm fragile.

In two weeks I go for full body scans to see if cancer is present.

Holy shit......

I spent the past hour singing the twelve days of Christmas with Madeleine. Ari is out watching her friends play hockey.

I'm doing my best. I just have to keep going......

I worked today. I'm about to make cookies for my neighbours.

Two years ago today I didn't know if I'd be around....now I question what being around is all about...

What are we doing for each other?

What are we doing for ourselves?

I don't have the answers....but I know one thing.....

As parents, we don't have to provide a fairy tale, or a magic day....

We need to be our best selves.....and that will always be enough for our children.

Best you....they need presence now more than presents.

That's the real Santa.

I'm still a hot mess but I can write a little.

To all of you. I love you so.

Thank you for reading, for supporting me and for seeing that cancer doesn't just change a body...it changes a family, friends ....a generation and reverberates forever.

One thing cancer can't take away....is today.

Enjoy your Christmas with your family. Make ammends. Say I love you.

Life isn't as short as it is unpredictable.

Send out all the love you can.

From me to you.

XO Happy Holidays.

Don't miss a hug.