#13 Doll hair

It's been a week since I started chemotherapy. It's been one of the tougher weeks I've had physically, but easier than the first week with a new baby by a long shot.

I went for my usual walk this morning. It was so cold. I decided to wear one of the wigs I bought. As soon as I put it on, Ari hated it. She hated my shaved head too....I think she just is upset by the whole experience. We're going to a child life specialist next week for an intake. The hospital I go to is home to the first program in the country where children who have a parent with cancer have access to a therapist who specializes in cancer therapy and can walk them through their feelings about it. I am most grateful for this, my little Ari sometimes looks like she's going to cry and then she gets mad at me when I ask her if she's ok. I feel like I don't know what to do for her. I try to talk about it, but I really don't know if I'm saying the wrong thing...so the therapist is such a good idea.

I'm getting off topic...I was talking about the wig. Madeleine said it was so pretty and I looked like a doll. It was a sweet comment but it let me know that the wig alone looked too fake. There was too much hair on top and the part seemed unreal. She's used to looking at her American Girl and thinking that's a solid 10.

So I stuck a toque on top and it wasn't too bad.

The wig's name is Zola...I got her because she is the same colour as Madeleine's hair and the lady at the wig place told me that this colour suited my complexion nicely and I might as well try something fun while I could. So I bought it. Plus, I've always wanted long hair it just never seemed to grow longer than just past my shoulders.

Here I am ready to go for my walk. I felt like a phoney baloney and even though I thought I looked pretty good, I didn't feel happy about it - as evidenced by my goofy smile.

I just felt like it wasn't real, and even if I looked good, it was fake. I wore it to the grocery store too after. I tried to feel happy and have fun with it and walk around like it's my actual hair..

It was tough but I tried.

I will say...I didn't get the "awe" cancer look though.

Halfway through my grocery store visit it started to itch and I just wanted to come home.

When I got home I took it off and tried on the other one I had - her name is Megan. I just wanted to see the difference.

Megan is my "real hair" wig. Meaning it looks the closest to my old hair. I wore it to Jason's office when I first got it and it took a minute for him to register it and his secretaries didn't even notice.

You can see in my face here I look tired and a little worn out. This is what happens when I go to the grocery store. I need to recover for an hour after. Regardless, here is Megan the wig.

So that's how I spent an hour of my morning. And then I felt sad because my actual hair is gone and soon I'll be a super potato with zero hair. I know it's been a week since I shaved it but sometimes things take time to settle in.

I still walk by the mirror and catch a glimpse of myself and get a little shocked. I don't look not like me, I just look like different. I don't feel sexy. I don't feel pretty. I feel kind of neutral.

I think it's totally normal to feel this way when you're in chemotherapy, it's all part of the real experience of what it's like to have cancer. Ups and downs. I thought wearing a wig would just erase the problem of not having hair, I'd just pop that sucker on and carry on. Not so easy.

I also made the mistake of spending a little time googling chemotherapy stories and scared myself a little bit today. So I had a bath for an hour. After that I decided I'm not googling anymore stories like that. They don't help.

Other big news, today I will try to eat salmon for dinner. I never anticipated this being something I'd have to work up to and take cautiously. Life sure has changed in a week and I'm trying to keep it real with this blog. Some days just are trying on wigs and feeling sorry for yourself, and trying to eat something and then sitting in a lazy boy wondering if you'll ever figure out what's going on in Westworld or have sex again.

Tomorrow is going to be a big day. I'm going to the gym. My first time since the chemo and the head shaving. There are regulars that I see that recognize me and I don't know if they'll pretend they don't see me or stare, or what. But I'm going to try to do half a spin class at half pace. I've been begging Jason to do a class with me for 3 years now and he hasn't. Tomorrow is his first one. It took me getting cancer to get him into a spin class. He always said "If I wanted to ride a bike, I'd ride my bike".

Lots of changes this week. Big and small, but we're managing OK. It's amazing how much capacity people have to change when they have to.

Equally impressive is the reality that when you have so much to live for and a family you love - those changes aren't for one second considered optional.

You just keep pedaling. Keep moving forward. Together.