I rang in the New Year binge eating my Aunt's baking and Italian breadsticks dipped in coffee. I was surrounded by some of my family. My kids and Jason weren't there - kids with Dads and Jason home with our dog who can not travel. My sister's family and my parents were together the last day of what has been a very difficult year for most people.
I drove to the Soo alone after Christmas....to find some peace, to reconnect, to be home. As I was driving I realized this would be the first time I did the holidays without a boyfriend or children for over 25 years. Just me.
I'll tell you.....children definitely make the drive seem longer. LOL. I felt like it was a 5 hour drive. Listened to some podcasts, called some friends, sang some songs....super loud.....road tunes... stopped at Wendy's hammered in a junior cheeseburger roadstyle like a savage. Anyway, I was headed home.
For the most part the trip was good. I forrest walked a fair bit. Here's a shot of me and Brody looking for Chaga in the birch trees of the North. I taught him a little of what I learned in school, how to find medicine in the woods, the names of trees and what Chaga looks like on a birch.
How wonderful for a moment to escape online life. We had only look to our backyard. I grew up there. Free for hours in these woods. Watching him reminded me of when I was young. Curious and filled with wonder. That was the best part of my trip home, those woods, comforting and quiet. Peaceful and still yet full of life. Mysterious and magestic.
We came to a fork in the road where we could either go back home or continue on. We were deciding. Just then....I heard it before it came....it felt like my heart beating outside my chest. The wingspan was huge and then it settled into the crook of a tree about 4 feet above my head. Looking dead at me. I spotted it first.....there it stayed.....long enough for this....
Looking right at me. Almost through me. I think, looking at the little girl who belongs in these woods, who is at home here and who feels safe and secure here. It was a special moment. I didn't mistake this as anything but a sign and a messenger sent to me to connect with myself. The owl can symbolize death, but when seen in the daytime the owl represents rebirth, renewal and change.
The personal interactions I had were less magestic. I overreacted to most things, I left without saying goodbye. I snapped regularly. Still not exactly sure why but I was volatile. Maybe it was the coming home of it all, alone. Maybe it was remembering me as a child and how I've ignored her for so long, the business of cancer, of being a mom of moving, new relationships and new house, so much change these past few years.....I'm not complaining but it's taken a toll. It's become harder to hide, so it's become neccessary to treat and address.
When I got home the first thing on my list was my 6 month bone scan. This scan checks for cancer that has metastized to the bone. If it comes back positive, it means my cancer is terminal. It's not relaxing.
Days passed before I got the results.
For those who don't speak radiologist, this report means that no cancer is definitively seen. Where I broke my arm is an area of concern, but most likely because I broke my arm. It can't be ruled out that as a result of the break cancer isn't there so I have to have another scan in 3 months. One bone scan is equal to about 400 x-rays. The scan shows degeneration, which is consistent with what was anticipated from my hormonal treatment to keep cancer away. All in all not a bad scan. My big scan comes Jan 31, it's the full body CT. I'm satisfied with this bone scan. NO DEFINITIVE EVIDENCE OF ACTIVE OSSEOUS METASTASIS. Good news.
I'm going to pivot now to a subject that had previously caused me stress but doesn't anymore.
ONLINE LEARNING.
The other day I was curious about who The Juravinski's were. The Cancer hospital and many other things in Hamilton Health Sciences are named after them. So I googled it. Charles Juravinski was from Saskatchewan....grew up in the Depression, built a family fortune and his family now donates millions to the Hamilton Health Sciences Network. I have developed an interest in family fortunes and how they have been built... Old Money. I've googled many industrialists and people who came out of the 20's winning.
With the exception of royalty, most great family fortunes have been built as a result of hard times, motivating an individual to excel, try harder and succeed.
So many great scientists, athletes, intellecutals and entrepeneurs have had difficult lives, have been raised in challenging times.
I read an article about a Doctor and Scientist who grew up in Rwanda during the war there, he missed grades 3-10. During the war his parents did their best, but he also learned much more. He learned about perserverance, about survival and about drive to live and succeed. He is now a world renowned epidemiologist. His view about the current online learning situation is that children still have access to education, to learning and for that they should be grateful. Sure it's not ideal, and yes it's hard on parents, myself included...but it's still available.
Strength and adaptability are cultivated in difficult times. As for this generation of children who have missed these years - sadly some will fail as some would have anyway, some will fall into victim mode, blaming others and situations for their failures later in life, some will return without much change and some will excel and some will exceed any expectations because tough times bring out tough people and ingenious ideas, creative and forward thinkers. Leaders.
This made me think twice about how I present the learning to my children. This is an opportunity to learn. It's not ideal, but neither was the Great Depression and look how many industrialists and great minds came out of that period of adversity.
Our children are becoming versatile, moving from online to in person, learning to navigate cyberspace. Learning to self-motivate, to adapt to changing conditions, they are smart, they are challenged and they are growing into future leaders who will be able to navigate changing situations. Climate emergencies, technological breakdowns and future pandemics.
Sure this sucks, but we are in charge of presenting this to our children as something that SUCKS and swearing about the government, pointing fingers and blaming this or that OR we can start to raise a generation of problem solvers, a generation of adaptable capable and flexible intellectuals and stewards of the environment and of health care.
The most successful people come from some of the most challenging situations, they persevere. They adapt to the changing world around them and find a way to make things happen.
I'm not saying this hasn't been hard, or that it still isn't for kids and parents but if I compare it to my cancer journey...the complaining didn't make it easier it just took more energy to get through. I've learned that life isn't fair, and some things we can't control but we have no choice but to get through. How we handle those things makes a big difference to who we become and what we appreciate on the other side.
I have chosen to not complain to my kids about online learning and I'm presenting it to them as an opportunity to learn, leaving some of the choices to them if it becomes too much. We all have to adapt now, to become stronger and more flexible. We have no choice.
Better to see this perhaps as families saw the Great Depression....a period in human existence where we have had to change and suffer some....hoping great things will emerge.
Perhaps more appreciation for our educators and health care workers, perhaps more attention to our own personal health, maybe an appreciation for gatherings with friends or more attention to nature, more critical thinking, more ability to navigate technology.
These children of mine, they aren't suffering. They've had it too easy for too long.
Welcome to life. Time to adapt, time to suck it up, time to accept it's not fair but it's your choice what you do with it.
Tough times make tough people, challenges create problem solvers, suffering presents an opportunity for appreciation.
I didn't choose cancer but I didn't really have a choice, no one chose this, and no one has a choice. We can embrace it, change what we can in our homes and with our attitudes towards things right now or we can waste our energy fighting.
We have the opportunity to lead by example for our children. Do what we must, accept life isn't fair and power through to a new future. We have the chance to show them how to navigate change and develop strength of spirit and resilience or we can breakdown.
I make this choice regularly when it comes to cancer, my future and life in general. I can breakdown, I can give up or I can pick myself up, dust myself off and continue into an uncertain future. It's not easy and I'm not saying this is an easy time for anyone. However, at the end of the day, we chose how we interpret it. How we integrate.
It's a cliche but it's one for a reason: Tough times don't last....tough people do.
Suck it up kids....you're in your bedroom with a fruit roll up. You're not in a bomb shelter with a food stamp.
It'll be OK.
Comments