#132 And Here We Go Again.......

January was test month. I look forward to this as a yin/yang...to which anyone who has had cancer can relate.

You get psyched for the scan.....Bone scan (scans the bones head to toe for signs of cancer metastisizing from a previous primary site). Ultrasound (To detect soft tissue swelling post surgery and injury). CT Scan (To scan the body chest/abdomen/pelvis for any signs of metastisizing cancer). For those unaware...metastizing cancer just means it's cancer that came from another place, planting itself somewhere else. For me any metastisis means I'd be Stage 4 cancer, no cure, just treatment and management hopefully remission.

The 2 year mark for my type of cancer was huge and if "it" was going to come back, it would've shown up and this January was my last scan to pass that milestone.

I didn't quite get there. Sad face.

The CT Scan showed a new nodule in the Apex of my right lung. It's possible this is scar tissue....but as my oncologist told me, if it were scar tissue it would likely have shown up. This nodule is .9mm which is above the range for "a relaxed approach". It's possible that I have a cancerous nodule in my lung.

My oncologist has never been a "rush" type of guy but he told me I need a repeat CT in less than 3 months to see if "IT" has grown. If "IT" has, I will need a biopsy.... we are pretty sure what that biopsy will show and then I'll start another cancer journey. Defeating lung cancer.

If "IT" is nothing it likely wouldn't have grown much.....and "IT" would be montiored for 3 years to be sure.

I'm not gonna lie. I got cocky. I drank, ate, didn't exercise everyday, didn't meditate....didn't juice. I felt like I beat the worst kind of cancer that usually comes back in 2 years and for the past 18months I've been great. Fucking Digger....always pushing things to the edge.....why??????

Haven't I learned my lesson? Shouldn't I have just gone raw vegan? Shouldn't I have just snacked quietly on broccoli in the corner in between down-dogs? Shouldn't I have just appreciated I somehow escaped imminent death and treated every day like a blessing and my body like a temple.....guarded my mental and physical health......treated myself so gently and lovingly????

Yeah. No. My therapist says I have PTSD. Cancer/Covid/Cancellations. My way to exert control in this world is to chose what I do to my body. It's insane when I write it down, but I don't think I'm alone. I'm chosing to express my control by hurting myself....by feeding myself things I know I shouldn't have, drinking, not exercising...punishing myself because that's something I CAN control.

It makes a little more sense when I think about how little control I've had over the past 2 years. Covid is one thing, but compound that with a 2 year deadline....if you're me.....you want to control something.

Sadly, I chose to hurt myself to see a change. Just to know I can still control something. I think perhaps we all have done this at some point......

Anyway. I have "THIS" now in my lung. I have 3 months to live not knowing.

On Monday I start my anti-cancer protocol again.....no sugar, no grains, no bad fats, no fried, takeout, prepared foods. I'm back to juicing and dandelions and fish.

See.....I shot myself in the foot.....but at the same time.....I lived. I did what I wanted to. But it didn't work. I'm back where I started.

Over the next 3 months I'm back in attack mode....killing a possible cancer in my body.

I just wonder why I didn't do it all along? Why did I have to feel control??

I never did have it at all..... it's a lesson for me.

Hurting myself to feel something is the fastest way to me putting myself in a position where I have no control.

So......Monday...I start again, my naturopathic oncologiost rushed the protocol.

It sucks.

I have three months to wait.

Three months to wonder if it is cancer growing in my lung.

Three months to think about my life and my children, and my choices.

Three months to understand that if it is cancer I likely have little more than 2 years to live....

Three months to wonder when it's spring if it will be my last?

Three months to forget those thoughts and to will myself on....to start a new journey and battle.

Three months to believe I have so much more life to live.

For today.....I turn off the news....it's for people who crave drama or create it. I turn myself in, I turn my attention to outside.

I look out at the wonderful world and I wonder what the fuck I was doing for the past year.

Hurting me, by me....didn't only hurt me. It hurt everyone.

I know you're all pulling for me out there....l appreciate everyone who reads this...I know in some way it will be relevant in your lives.

I'm being honest....it may not be pretty...or easy....but it's what's happened to me after breast cancer. It continues still today.

I guess what I'm saying is.....

I'm getting ready to fight again......look out cancer....here I come.