My CT scan is April 23. I will find out then if the mass in my lung has grown.
That's pretty much it. If it has, it's most likely cancer, they'll schedule a biopsy. Even the most sophisticated scanning systems can't tell for sure if it's cancer. It has to be a pathologist that makes the call, under the microscope. If it's confirmed cancer I am labelled Stage IV (Terminal) Cancer patient.....or how the breast cancer gang calls it, "Mets".
If it hasn't grown "much", we'll repeat radiation scans at 3 months.
If it's shrunk or gone. Yay. Taco Tuesday. I rage on.
I live waiting until April. Will I spend each one reciting my options and fearing certain death. Hell No.
When I need to fight. I will fight. When I need to rest. I will rest.
For now, I exist in the in between.
Not knowing what is ahead, or battles to wage, or future outcomes.
I see now, that I have not endured the worst of fates, I do not.
Yes, this cancer battle is awful.
However, I have a roof over my head, I am loved, I am safe. I am Canadian, I am able to enjoy freedom of movement. I am protected. I am blessed.
SO many people in the world live such terrible lives, suffer so much.
I've decided from now on, when someone asks me "How are you?", my response is going to be "Blessed", because I really am.
Despite cancer, despite the scans and the plans, despite the anxiety and fear.....I certainly am blessed to live safely and to be able to look at tomorrow without fear of losing my home or children or family. Even if things don't go the way I want them to....I remain blessed.
The title "Pergatory" was click bait in these dark ages...gotcha... I'm in anyting but in pergatory.
Pergatory is what happens when you spend too much time worrying about yourself and you forget about the rest of the world.
I'm tuned in, I'm wired for spring and I'm not wasting so much time trying to predict my own death.
It's impossible. And who wants to? It's not like it's avoidable anyway.
Yes.....that's what I'm going to say when people ask me how I am "I'm blessed, thank you".
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