I haven't written for a few reasons.
The winter to spring transition is always hard on me. I feel heavy, I feel unmotivated and I feel dull.
It's even worse this year as the hormone blockers and ovarian suppression takes full effect. I am most certainly a menopausal woman. It's hard to come to terms with. I survived the initial blast of Stage 3c cancer only to be twarthed into early menopause at 43.
What did this do??? Well, to put it mildly; it shut down my sex drive, it made my metabolism grind to a halt, it made my hair grow where I don't want it and made the hair I have thin and difficult.
I hear that I should be happy to be alive, but I don't feel like myself anymore. I've gained 40lbs. I've never been anything over a size 6 except when pregnant and I returned to my 120 shortly after having my babies. This is something different. I'm large. Larger than I've ever been.
My clothes don't fit well. I look in the mirror and I don't recognize myself. I know I'm in there but I look like a puffy version of myself.
I've had several therapy sessions focussing on my self image, chatting about why I think I'm less worthy...talking about why I feel less sexy and valuable because I've gained 40lbs.
It's made me realize a whole lot.
Wow.....we are not how we look. Some of us are skinny and don't want to be because we're sick, and struggling to gain. Some of us are heavy and struggling to lose, but have thyroid conditions and other issues that prevent our metabolism from working.
I've been humbled. I realize now....we are so much more than how we look. What our body shape presents.
No one tells you when you battle breast cancer that you've got years ahead of adjusting, if you live.
No sugar coating. Some days I don't want to get out of bed. The hormonal treatments I'm on make my bones burn and my ambition shrink. It requires a significant amount of energy to even put on my sweater that covers my belly.
I say all this, but I always get up. I do put on my shirt and I do what I must.
It's given me a real perspective on body image and the struggle women face all the time.
I've always been thin and fit. It was just who I was. Now, not so much. I'm juicy and I have no tits....my body is disfigured. My belly sticks out because I don't have breasts to round out my look. I'm puffy and fluffy and all of that. My hair is short, my eyelashes are too, as are my eyebrows... it's all a result of chemo, radiation and chemically induced menopause.
I could fight it and stop taking the drugs, but my chances of living would dramatically decrease. So what would you do? Take the drugs that make you fat and lazy and devoid of sexual energy; or would you abstain and live "pretty"?
I'd chosen life and for me this had meant menopause at 42. I'm almost 45 now and my fancy jeans don't fit. I'm not stylish and to be honest I don't care to be.
There's so much more to a woman than her waist size. So much more than her puffy face. So very much more than just what you see.
I've learned that those powerful women who carry on despite what conventional beauty tells them what they should be are the real women.
To be a woman now, in this day and age is to accept yourself as you are in this moment. Acccept all you are.
No one is perfect...perfection is unattainable.
So here's where I'm going with this blog...LOVE YOURSELF.
It's hard as fuck, especially when the person you see in the mirror doesn't look like you. That person you see looking back at you has been through so much, she deserves all the love you have to give.
That person looking back at you....she's strong, she's powerful, she's alive.
She's the fire and the embodiment of the struggle of a woman wanting to be seen and respected for who she is, as a person, regardless of shape or size.
I am coming to terms with my beautiful self.
I am beautiful and am worthy of love.
Most importantly.....the love I seek is my own.
Regardless of size or appearance.
I approve of me.
It's been a rough fucking road; however, it's my way forward.
I love everything that got me to this point, cancer, depression, addiction
I love it all because it's who I am.
I don't think I'd change it at all.....
I love me.
That's something right?
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