#14 Padded Pants and the Goodlife

This morning we woke up and as we agreed, got ready to go to our "togetherness" spin class. I have padded pants I wear for extended rides, Jason has a pair of biking shorts too. He said he hadn't worn them for quite some time and I understand why. For anyone who has worn these padded pants or shorts, you'll know what I say when I say it feels like you're wearing a diaper. However, once you get on the bike seat, it's totally worth it.

I didn't feel amazing, but I told myself I was going to try to make it to the gym and even if I did half a class that was good. So we went.

The class started at 9:15 and I wanted to go early to get two bikes close to the door and away from the germ cluster. We arrived at 9. When I swiped in at the front door of the gym the looks started. The girl who usually says good morning to me was so shocked when I took my toque off she barely looked at me when she passed me my towel. I didn't even take my coat off and put my toque back on to walk through the gym to the spin class to get our bikes.

The room was PACKED. Not two bikes together. It was the first time in 3 years I couldn't find two bikes at 9am...and it was already so sweaty in there. A few nice people pointed to the one bike front and centre but I declined and left in my diaper pants to go find Jason in his .

I just stood outside the men's change room like a weirdo in my coat and hat until he came out. I told him the situation and because we were both wearing our diaper pants our options for workouts were limited. I just wanted to go home. He suggested we just ride the regular bike for a bit. So I went and took off my coat in the change room. As soon as I took the hat off the looks began.

Some looks were obvious and some were when they thought I wasn't looking but I certainly didn't go unnoticed. Has no one ever seen someone with a shaved head before? I don't know. I looked in the mirror and realized that I did look a little under the weather, maybe a little pale and my hair has started to thin in spots, so I guess I do look like someone with cancer at Goodlife Fitness.

I decided I was there already and did have my cycling pants on...so we hit the bikes. As you can see, Jason is enjoying his coffee and biking along happily. I feel awkward and am already struggling 6 minutes in. Plus I look like a have a spike haircut in this angle. You can see how the sides are already thinning. I struggled away for 30 minutes in my target heart rate zone amidst some stares. The kind when you look, they look away. I got a few nods, mostly from older women who maybe knew what I was going through, but for the most part no "awe" looks. Just stares.

In all fairness, two weeks ago I had long hair and had 10lbs of muscle I don't here. I look smaller in almost every way. I guess if I saw someone like me at the gym I'd look too. People are curious, especially about cancer but no one wants to ask and I'm sure people wondered "does she have cancer?" and had to watch me for a bit to see if they could figure it out.

Jason said the looks were likely admiration that someone with cancer would still make an effort at the gym. He said I was a "tough customer". LOL. But it made me feel better and it kind of is true.

It took a lot of guts for me to go back to my gym for a few reasons:

I'm tired and everything takes more energy.

I look different.

The germs.

And...I had to let go of who I used to be at the gym.

I'm not the fittest, or the fastest, or the hardest. I will get weaker as my treatment progresses but the point here today is...I didn't quit.

Things didn't work out the way I planned. I didn't get to hide in a spin class, I had to just get on with it. I had Jason with me. He supported me and encouraged me because he knows I would've beat myself up if I'd left. I say it everyday but I don't know what I'd do without him beside me.

Now the re-entry is over. I'm over it. The first day or time doing anything is always the hardest. BUT, I did it.

That's life for now. It's not what I planned, or how I even remotely pictured things being and even the days I try to plan now are unpredictable because of how I might feel.

The important takeaway from this day with cancer is that I didn't let it stop me, I did what I could with what I had. I tried. It's one more thing I'm not letting cancer take from me without a fight.

I might not have had a workout like my old ones, where I sweat and feel sore and accomplished physically; however, I grew a different set of muscles by going to the gym today.

I exercised my bravery and my determination to not let the things I can't do or the way I used to be stop me from doing things I can or being a new person now.

That's progress and I'm proud of myself and a little more hopeful for the future.