#15 Boot Breakdown

Sundays used to be my favourite. Jason and I would lay in bed and relax...we'd chat about dinner, because Sunday dinner for Italians is a big deal. I liked to look forward to planning and cooking and enjoy the day at home.

Sundays I always ate without guilt or restriction. Nothing disgusting but I'd have a nice cocktail in the afternoon while I puttered around planning dinner, maybe watch a movie in the afternoon while doing laundry or tidying, then some wine and cheese and homemade sausage before dinner with a crusty bread and some butter and then a nice pasta feed. I'd maybe make a dessert with white flour and eat it while watching tv and having a brandy. It was a day where I just enjoyed my food without guilt or too much analysis. For a holistic nutritionist, that's no easy feat....but i mastered it in the last few years and really loved my decadent Sunday dinners and desserts.

That's all changed now. I thought today for a few hours, that I would just have a small bowl of the gluten free, grain free pasta that I was making for everyone else, but I talked myself out of it before dinner and stuck with chicken breast and veg. And a plain salad. There's just too much on the line for me. I don't know how fast or aggressive this cancer is or if the chemo will work, but I'm not giving it any fuel in the form of easy starches or simple sugars.

I feel like I can't enjoy food anymore because I have to be so strategic about when and what goes in. Starving the cancer, supporting the gut, watching acid levels, making sure my bowels are moving to eliminate toxins and not eating too much protein, but enough to regenerate cells, soy but not too much, nothing raw, no nuts, no beans, no legumes , being careful about allergens and spices. Rinsing my mouth every hour and after I eat to avoid the mouth and throat sores that accompany chemotherapy. Drinking so much water and tea. All the fun has been sucked out of my Sunday feeds. I wonder how long it'll be like this? Will it be forever? I sometimes worry if I'll ever enjoy pasta or butter tarts again.

I guess it's a small price to pay for knowing I am doing all I can to feed my body the right things. Or at least the things I think are right...anyone who can google can find 10 different opinions about any of food let alone any type of therapeutic diet. I've done my research and consulted experts and I feel pretty confident that what I'm doing is going to benefit. Pasta just wouldn't. So it's out. I actually felt angry today, because of the pasta. It was more than just a food. It reminded me of comfort and home and safety and my childhood. Food is always so much more than just food.

Anyway, after I reconciled that for the day by filing food under "it sucks but dying does more". I got dressed to go for my 30 minute obligatory walk. I'm not totally loving the walks yet, I feel like I want to run them, just to get them over with , but that's not realistic. Especially today. It was so icy. I almost fell over 10 times on my walk and every time I almost fell I got just a little bit more angry.

Normally I wouldn't feel so anxious about falling, but now I need to consider that I have a minimal immune system and any injury takes white blood cells to clean up and I can't risk them. I shuffled along like a granny until I got home 60 minutes later with stiff legs and sweating like I'd been in a sauna. 7,000 steps on my fitbit. Each step probably and inch and a half at most. I didn't feel zen-like.

I became increasingly annoyed and irritated when I couldn't get my boots off and I was so tired that it was hard to undo my snow pants. I had to pull my big boots off before hanging them up and I felt dizzy when I bent down. I had to stop. Still sweating.

I needed to take a tiny break before I took the boots off so I sat down on the step and had a little frustrated cry. It sucks, I thought. This is such a simple thing....and then I got angry. I tried to kick my boot off like a 3 year old on the floor of a school hallway, flipping it wildly back and forth, boot flailing in the air attached to my snow pants until it went violently flying off down the stairs and landed upside down with a thud.

I did the same with the other one and my sock went with it. I just left it there. If anyone had been watching, it might've been embarrassing. But I felt better for doing it. I eventually pulled my snow pants off and made faces at them when I hung them up. I then looked down and told my boots they were "fuckers" and came upstairs to make a tea. Leaving the whole mess behind and wearing one sock.

It's things like this, that turn an ordinary day into a day that reminds you that you just can't ever stop fighting, or trying. As soon as I stop trying, I lose. I'm not saying I need to always be moving or going, but I always need to be aware of my limits and be living just inside of them. It's exhausting. Sometimes I get angry and have no place to put that anger. It's no one's fault I got cancer. It's not even mine. It's like being mad at the weather. So it snowed a lot. Now someone has to clean it up, and there's no sense whining about it. It's no one's fault. But it is infuriating. Where does that anger go?

Today the anger became fear and I ended up worrying about cancer and maybe not being around to see my kids get married, or have babies, or even just grow up. I had to talk myself off the ledge and did take a lorazepam because I was spiraling.

There's no crystal ball, I don't know what the future holds but when I see or feel a meltdown coming I try to head it off before it becomes a real thought that has any power. Sometimes I need a drug for that. And that's the truth.

I have an appointment with a nurse to discuss medicinal marijuana - particularly CBD oil, not so much THC. They're going to call me thursday and discuss the whole thing with me, then I'll get a card and they'll put me in touch with some suppliers and monitor my dosage and response and adjust it if I need it. Should be interesting.

This week coming up is going to be a busy one. Monday I have the exercise study and a new yoga class. Tuesday I have 3 appointments at the hospital, one with the child life specialist and two with my oncologist to asses how my first round of chemo went. Wednesday I have a meditation class and an appointment with my therapist, Thursday is my appointment with the pot nurse practitioner and Friday I have chemo which is pretty much a day killer. I'll be fasting on water and tea from Wednesday to after chemo so at least I won't need to worry about eating anything. Fasting makes the chemo easier on the body.

I like that I have things to do everyday. Today I didn't have much to do and it left me with way too much time to think and get irritated. Some days are better than others, but this is the reality of life for me for now.

I'm trying to take it in stride, today it was baby steps on icy ground....but I'm still moving forward.

Even the bad days are still good days because I got to kiss my babies goodnight and tell them I love them. Those days are more precious to me than they've ever been.

Despite the ups and downs I always end the day trying to hold gratitude in my heart for my babies and Jason and my family and friends and for my life.

It's the only one I've got.