#18 Bye Bye and the Barrel

I didn't write yesterday. I had a really bad headache and I was just pretty tired. I walked in the morning, did my 30 minutes for the exercise study and then went to the meditation class. It wasn't as bad the second time around. I focused on my breathing and tried to use the opportunity to create some peace. Then I walked home. Overall it was an OK morning.

The afternoon I didn't do too much, like I said, I had a bad headache and felt kind of exhausted. Jason came home and made nachos for the kids and they watched Dr. Dolittle and ate them. I sat in my chair and ate salad. I barely had the energy to go upstairs and say goodnight so I did so from my chair and then went to bed. It was the least exciting day I've had so far, but I slept well and this morning woke up without the headache.

I walked again this morning to yoga class and this time it was weights with the older ladies. Again I found the 3 lb weights quite adequate and found that although I wasn't struggling to lift them, they were heavy enough to provide some resistance while I moved. My strength is minimal and my formerly sculpted arms have started to look kind of flabby. So has my stomach....I'm accepting it. It's the chemo, and the steroids and the sitting in the lazy boy all day.

There was some stretching after the weights and then I met a woman who runs the cancer yoga class. She explained to me that it is geared specifically for people with serious immune challenges or cancer. Healing poses and all that stuff. It starts Feb 14, so I guess I have my big Valentine's night planned out.

It's not like we're at the rose petals and candlelight stage anymore anyway. Cancer has a way of really taking the romance out of a relationship too might I add. No kissing or any real "sharing" of body fluids for at least 5 days post chemo and then after that, the nausea and general yuckiness kicks in. If there is to be any romance it's got to be planned and that sort of takes the fun away a little too. Plus, being bald with the body of honey boo boo doesn't do much for me personally on a sexiness level. Cancer. Frig. So savage.

Ive been reading that after having the chemo, mastectomy, radiation and hormone therapy I'll be menopausal and if I test positive for the BRCA genes they'll likely remove my ovaries too launching me right in to full on menopause at 42. Ive heard women describe what is left of their sex lives with words like "the Sahara" and describe hot flashes, irritability and lack of sexual desire. I try not to think that far ahead but it is kind of a bummer if it is all true. It just adds another layer of crap I hadn't considered when I found out I had cancer. I'm taking it in stride. My sex drive runs pretty high as it is, Jason jokes, this might just bring me down to average. We shall see I guess....let's hope anyway.

Anyway, this afternoon when I got home I got a message from a friend that I've had for years. I won't go into too much personal details here except to say that this particular person and I have had some disagreements when we were young kids. We didn't really get along, mean to each other and the usual.

Anyway as adults we made up and had been friends, but before my diagnosis, since I moved to Hamilton we hadn't spent much time chatting or hanging out. I was busy with my kids and the house and Jason and a new life and people have lives so we just didn't see each other as much as we used to.

I blamed myself for this when the topic of me being too busy came up, and somehow it always seemed to be my fault that we didn't get together, that I was bitchy and didn't care anymore about our friendship. This of course wasn't true. I just didn't argue with it. I felt badly about myself, like I wasn't enough and a bad friend. I had kids and a life and I just couldn't go out as regularly. That was it.

This afternoon this person sent me an invitation to attend a Pearl Jam concert, in 2 months....I simply replied saying that I couldn't because ....ugh....duh...I'm undergoing chemotherapy for Stage 3 advanced Cancer.

Now...any real friend would surely know that it's not an appropriate invite for someone with cancer, and if this person was thinking about me they'd know it would just likely make me feel sad to not be able to go...despite thinking of me enough to invite.

This wasn't the first time such disregard and general obliviousness was demonstrated towards my life by this person. Usually I just shrugged it off and laughed when I was then called a loser who didn't like to go out anymore. And that maybe sometime when "I need someone to go out with" I'd call back.

I'm telling this story for a reason, besides just to create drama....there is a point here.

Anyway, it was then that a rude comment was made about me, and what I was like in grade 3. I decided then that enough was enough and it was a friendship that no longer served me. Not in a selfish way, but in a way that the whole experience over the past few years just left me feeling uncomfortable and inadequate as a friend and not better in any way.

I tried to be a good friend, yes I was busy but I tried. Extended invitations, text occasionally. But I realized that this was a toxic relationship I'd had for many years and it had to go for now. It's just not healthy.

As soon as it was over, I felt kind of badly, like maybe I was the mean person....but I'm not. I'm just putting myself first and refusing to be treated or spoken to poorly. There are no other relationships in my life like this one was. I have so many friends from grade school I talk to everyday. Heck, I named my best wig after one of them...LOL. This one had been unhealthy for a long time. After I had some time to think about it, I feel better. It's sad to lose a friend, but sometimes the drama creates such negative energy it's not worth it.

So the lesson here for me today is that toxicity existed in my life on so many levels. I'm not implying that this relationship gave me cancer, by any means....but my feelings of negativity, and shame maybe contributed to my stress.

I've had other relationships, maybe at work, or with a family member or even someone I just know socially where I've wanted to stand up for myself and say "no I don't like the way you're talking to me", but I haven't, to keep the peace.

I realize now that when I would do that -keep my opinion and my right to stand up for myself quiet that a little part of me went away and it made me weaker in some small way.

I learned today, that sometimes we have to turn away from relationships, or jobs, or situations that are toxic, even if they still mean something to us because the personal cost is just too high.

Those of you who know me well may have heard me describe the barrel effect. It's a theory about disease. Here's the short version:

Everyone has a barrel, inside this barrel we fit burden from

1) Our genetics

2) Our environment

3) Our diet

4) Stress

Our barrels get filled with these things every day....but if they all become to full....any bit more from any category can cause the barrel to overflow and that's when we see allergies, immune reactions, illness and disease.

When it comes to emptying the barrels, with genetics, there isn't too much we can do unless we get tested and then the measures are often pretty severe, but some mutations like the MTHFR mutuation (google for a good read) can be overcome and make a big difference in many peoples lives. For me the genetics components will likely be the mastectomy and removal of ovaries. That will empty some from that part of my barrel for life.

When it comes to environment, obviously we can't change all of it, but we can try to create a peaceful one. Marie Kondo has lots of tips for this. LIghting, trees, time spent outside...you get the point.

As for diet, well...I'll leave that alone. Most of us know sugar is the cause of most diseases, pesticides and processed foods a close second, hormones in the meat etc. We could all clean up our diets.

But the last one...stress.....is a tricky one because it sneaks up on you. Poor sleep maybe, that one relationship that causes you grief, a customer you dread talking to, a relative that doesn't treat you nicely. These factors we rarely do anything about and I'm going to start doing more to clean up the stress in my life. I've had a lot of stress about so many things for way too long and I started to let some go today.

My barrel is a little emptier and it does feel good. I have a little room in there now for some healing and for the other components to not be so packed in.

I've said before I'm not at the point where I can say "I'm happy I got cancer" because I'm not. However, my experience with cancer is showing me that I need to stand up for the life I want, and only I can create that.

I'm grateful for the experience, and I'm proud of myself for standing up for myself and refusing to fill my barrel with drama.

It's not an epiphany type of day, but it's just another realization that life is too short to spend with anyone who doesn't light you up, make you feel good about yourself and that you feel comfortable with. It just really isn't.

If this entry didn't do it for ya... tomorrow - I'm going to take pictures, and try to get an inside look at what a day of chemo looks like for me. Needles and all.

For now, I'm going to go back to sipping my alkaline broth and continue fasting while my family feasts on lasagna, ceasar salad and chocolate cake sent home by my two daughter's wonderful teachers. They sent a little note home and the dinner. It made me cry. People are just so nice.

The world is filled with such kind and generous people. Everyday I realize this more and am so grateful.