#19 Chemo Day - A photo journey

Today was my second round of AC-Dose dense chemotherapy. I showed up at 2:15. I have to show up 30 minutes early to take 2 anti-nauseants, 1 super strong anti-nauseant and 3 steroids. I guzzle water this whole time while I wait with what I estimated to be no less than 40 people - patients and support people.

Here I am waiting with my water jug, and my electric blanket. I get so cold.

You'll notice I still have hair, and it's grown a little. The cold caps likely are the reason. My hair will be gone soon. Likely in a week or so. Anyway. I try to drink 4-5 of those giant 2.0L jugs full of water to flush the chemo. The second chemo of two I'll have today is really hard on the kidneys so water is key. Dilution is the the solution.

So I sat here in the waiting room letting the drugs I took start working. I waited for an hour and a half. Then a nurse wearing an entire waterproof and head to toe protective suit took me to my chair. There were about 75 people in the whole suite, all getting some form of chemo.

They get you seated, and then they warm your arm, to prepare the vein for the chemo.

Here I am with the warmer, under my electric blanket....chemo drugs waiting on the side table, but none hooked up to the IV yet.

So they go through a bunch of questions, tell you again about the side effects and what to do...they offer additional meds, for nausea and headache...but i decline until I need them. And I continue to chug my water. This is almost the worst part...hearing all about it. Over and over.

Anyway then it's time to get the chemo started and they bring up the drugs, clearly label "cytotoxic" which means "cell killing" just as a reminder in case I forgot. LOL Here's a shot of what over the next 30-45 minutes a nurse will push into my veins. Monitoring carefully for pain or burning, which means the chemo is sneaking out of the vein and destroying the tissue around the hole.

There it is. The Red Devil. I read on my online facebook group that some people call this the Red Death. It just looks scary and I always feel so anxious at this point. But then they just proceed. Here is the next step.

Line in. It stings. They have to alternate veins because I don't have a port - which is a permanent line. My oncologist said pic lines, or ports slightly raise the chance of blood clots so I get the needle every time. I'm ok with this despite the eyes here.

In the next picture you can see the line in...nothing too crazy, its a long needle but it doesn't hurt.

So then she sits beside me and starts pumping in the chemo. At first it just feels cold, and maybe burns just a tiny bit, but really you don't feel anything. For me I get really cold...and I start shivering. This is also because they insist you chew on ice chips through the administration of this chemo to reduce the blood flow to your mouth, so you don't end up with ulcers and sores in your mouth - this is a common side effect.

I started shaking and was in need of warming so her and Jason wrapped me up in a bunch of warm blankets on top of my electric blanket. Here I am shivering away on my poison throne.

You'll see the other bags for the second type of chemo waiting to be pumped in. I needed to warm up a little, and then they'd start this one. I'm trying to look serious here, and I am. I don't like the feeling of chemicals being pumped into me...but I know. It's killing the cancer. And I'm not a fan of shivering. It's most inconvenient.

Jason doesn't like to see me suffer, I can see it in his face. He did EVERYTHING for me today, filled up my water whenever it would get low, took me to the bathroom and pulled my pants up for me because i was hooked up, he was kind and patient and always there. I took this pic of him warming up my shivering legs. But you can see that he can't stand seeing what I'm going through and it breaks my heart a little. I don't want him to have to go through it anymore than I want to. I wish I could just make it all better and tell him I'll be ok and promise he'll never be alone...but I cant to him, or to my kids or to anyone.

He cares so much. And it's moments like these that love, real love shows up. Not when it's easy and casual, or fun and exciting. When you're at your worst, and the one you love does everything they can to help...even if it's just to warm your legs. It means everything.

Anyway, so I stopped shivering and they continued with the second injection and it was done. They flush the vein and you sit for 5 minutes holding your injection site and then they tell you that you can go. That's it.

I felt like garbage, a little nauseous so they gave me an additional med to stave it off and popped me in a wheelchair to go down to the lobby where Jason would get the car. I felt like someone with cancer in that wheel chair, and certainly got some looks. I looked pale and weak and tired. And I was alone in the lobby just sitting in the wheelchair waiting to be picked up. It made me feel sad.

See how the life seems to have left my eyes and the bags underneath have started. Chemo is so hard on the body, it doesn't take long to look like you feel. Anyway, I was kind of happy it was done and I could go home and have a bath, and warm up and try to eat some rice and broccoli. I hadn't eaten since Wednesday at 7pm.

So home we went. I had a bath and now I'm sitting in my chair. I'm drinking so much water and so far the broccoli carrots and rice feel good. My sweet Jason got me all set up and then passed out on the couch, it's exhausting being the caregiver. It really is.

I need to push through the next few days, and then I'll start to slowly feel more human. I know I can do it.

Despite the fact that I was poisoned today, I am grateful for the care and kindness of all those around me. I am grateful for the chance to beat this cancer, and I am grateful that I am still here fighting.

Not all days are easy, today was a tough one, but I'm doing it. And I'm not giving up.