#20 Darkness and Light

Ok, so Chemo #2 was NOT at all like chemo #1. After I closed the lid on my computer last night I felt instantly nauseous. Not like...oh I might have a bug nauseous, or that chicken might not have been cooked nauseous. Like my body has been poisoned. LEGIT.

My stomach was in pain, I felt like at any moment I was going to throw up. I actually didn't make it to the bathroom with the other end....it was an embarrassing moment. I started crying immediately. Jason didn't bat an eyelash he just helped me as I was crying and said he loved me and it's no big deal. It was a moment when pride and everything else just goes out the door and you take any help you can get.

I then sat on the toilet and heaved into a bio-hazard bucket. We then decided after about 40 minutes of this it and Jason saying I was looking "very not good" that it was time to call the nurse. She talked us through it and said that sadly this is sometimes par for the course. But if I continued at this rate I'd need to go to Emerg. She said to take another anti-nauseant and wait it out. I sat there like that for about an hour and then had to be carried to my bed.

I think I passed out for an hour or so. Actually I know I did because Jason messaged my mom and sister and sent them a pic of me.

I don't know how he continues to love me so much....I look like the guy from the hurt locker. LOL. But for reals, I'm down for the count here. And he was just making sure those who loved me knew I was being looked after. I'll say it again. He is a wonderful person.

The night continued to suck. I was up every hour in the bathroom peeing out the chemo or feeling sick. Jason got up every time and helped me in and out.

I was mostly awake from 4am on feeling alone, and kind of scared...how long will this last and will it be like this every chemo now on...I needed to distract myself.

And then I flicked through my messages and pics.

Here's a recent one that absolutely lifted my spirits in the darkest time. All my girlfriends from home....(some absent but I see their names on the plaque) :) They had a little Diggy party to send some love and vibes and some support.

These wonderful souls came together to do something nice for me. To let me know that they loved me and wanted me to treat myself to something nice just for me. (Like a real hair wig, or some good cream) They told me that I had always been one of the people to want to get us all together whenever we could, and that they wanted to tell me to keep going to keep fighting.

In the dark moment I was having, this picture and these thoughts lifted me up and gave me the strength to know I was going to make it through.

I decided I would buy a plane ticket and come home and thank them all in person, when chemo was done.

To each of you here, and absent: You don't know how much it meant to see this pic, to know that even though I'm here and you're there that you send the vibes and the love.

To have even a few friends for a lifetime like you is a blessing but I have been gifted to know so many wonderful, kind, strong and generous women.

It really does take a village. And even though I'm here and you're there I do still feel very much supported and loved by all of you.

As dark as my night was last night, it was made infinitely brighter by the light and love of my friends. I am grateful and humbled by how even in times like these I can be made to feel so lucky to be alive.

Another little life lesson that there's always light in the darkness and we're never truly alone.

Much love to all of you.