#22 Nowhere Hair

Well, my hair has officially started to fall out in patches. My scalp actually hurts, I think I rubbed some hair off in my sleep last night, despite sleeping on the silk pillow case that I kept from the whole "cold cap" misadventure.

I can't decide if I now look like Forrest Gump when he joined the army with the shaved sides or a baby bird with the skinny bony neck. I'm not at the cap wearing stage yet. I don't like the way they look. Never have. But soon, I'm going to want to cover this up. It's looking sparse. You can also see that chemotherapy has a nice way of bringing out all of the imperfections in the skin, pigments are darker and spots more pronounced. So savage.

So. I put on my silly wigs and took a selfie just to try to convince myself that I've still got "it".

But I don't. It's fake. I've lost about 15lbs now. And not in the right spots. My legs and arms are fat skinny. The muscle isn't there like it was before. You can see though, how easy it is to look in a picture like you've got it together. It makes me think twice now when I see a pretty face, what's going on under that hair...are those eyelashes real? Eyebrows microbladed? Botox, lip injections?

I ask myself why I ever cared so much about how I look when in just a month it's all been taken away, and I'd trade it any day if it means I get to have another day with my kids and Jason, my family or see my friends again.

A few other physical updates to my current condition: my left middle finger tip has lost feeling, which makes typing harder, nerve damage is a thing. Also, I basically can't eat anything without feeling like I've swallowed a baseball made of fire. The food doesn't want to go down, and when it does the heartburn is terrible. I have regular nausea and the pills I take cause constipation so I need to tread lightly to ensure things keep moving. I have very little appetite. My love of avocados is still strong although they go down less easily. Yesterday I ate a few chunks of frozen mango and they tasted like summer and reminded me of when I could just eat something and it tasted good and I didn't need to overthink if what I was eating was going to end up making me miserable for hours. I don't really eat all that much anymore. I dread eating. This is a sad development.

For the past two days my dinner has consisted of pureed cauliflower and sweet potatoes. I tried to eat some turkey meatballs I made with a little miso but I couldn't get them down. Even spinach is tough. For a few nights I was watching the Netflix show "Chef's Table" but it was making me so hungry I had to find something else to watch. We settled on TED that nasty little bear. Good for a laugh.

I walked to the grocery store today to get my steps in and got some asparagus and Icelandic Cod. Who am I kidding that I'm going to be able to eat it, but I'll give it a try.

The first week of chemo was so easy on me that I actually thought I'd get away with not experiencing the side effects you hear about. I thought I was "healthy" enough to withstand the bombardment of the toxic chemicals. Again, who am I kidding. I have cancer. Whatever the reason, genetics, diet, environment, stress....I got the big C and I'm not getting off easy.

I got my first delivery of CBD Oil yesterday, I don't notice much of a difference when I take it to be honest. However, besides the heartburn, I don't have pain, which is a blessing. My mood is stable at crappy. LOL. I haven't tried the CBD Oil with THC yet, I'm worried it'll make me paranoid that I'm going to die. I hear it increases appetite so I might give it a try... The food thing is a super bummer. I'll get over it, as I hear it's temporary, but for now, it's just another thing cancer has taken from me. For an Italian, and a Nutritionist. It's a tough one.

The kids had their appointment with the Child Life Specialist yesterday too. It went as well as could be expected. It's not easy being 11 and 7 but having to learn that Mommy has cancer and learning about it in a Cancer Hospital is certainly not a highlight. They had Dairy Queen after.

The therapist asked the kids what they knew about Cancer. Madeleine said "Terry Fox". The therapist told her that Cancer is like dogs. There are many different kinds and they act differently. I did not have the leg amputating scary cancer Terry Fox had. She then proceeded to show the kids pictures of blood cells and cancer cells and a picture of breasts and used play doh to show a tumor. It was really well done.

She read them the book "Nowhere Hair" about a Mommy who has cancer and is losing her hair and then showed them a Barbie with no hair and wigs and scarves. Madeleine enjoyed this part and now wants a bald Barbie. I will try to find her one online.

Heather (the therapist) then explained what chemotherapy was and how it also kills the blood cells and what happens to Mommy when that happens and why I can't hug and kiss like I used to. She explained that the cancer might get smaller and then they would take it out, she showed them a picture of a radiology machine and told them they would get to go on a tour to see the big machine in the future.

The kids were shocked when they heard that I would be having my breasts removed and not replaced, she would be there with them after my surgery to come and see me she reassured them of this. Madeleine said of me not having breast "that's gonna be weird". We all agreed. Ari said "so you'll just be flat?" No one cried and it was really a very civilized discussion. Ari didn't ask too many other questions, but they did both of course want to know if I would be OK.

One major thing the therapist emphasizes is that we can't give this guarantee which kills me,it would destroy them if it turned out to not be true. We can tell them everything that can be done is being done, and so far things look good. If anything changes, they will know, we will tell them so they aren't surprised. It's scary for them, and for us. But it's all we can do.

It makes me not being able to eat or having no hair seem petty, when I think about the real implications of this terrible disease and how far reaching it is. My kids will never be the same. A small part of their childhood has been taken by this, they live in a world now where bad things happen to Mommy and no one knows why and it's no one's fault and there are no guarantees. I can't reassure them at bedtime that everything will be OK, and no one can reassure me.

All we can do is continue to appreciate the days we have, and tell those we love how much they mean to us. Any day not spent enjoying the little things and focusing on how we look too much are wasted days we won't get back. My kids don't care if I have hair at the end of the day...they care that I'm there.

And I'm still here.