#23 It's Official. IKEA Sucks.

I sit in my living room a lot now. Since the addition of my Fibe TV *with free Slice TV, I don't just sit as much and stare at the floor like I did in the early days of the diagnosis when I couldn't find anything as good as Curb Your Enthusiasm or live coverage of people overreacting to the Corona Virus. (Just wash your hands, cover your mouth and stay home if you're sick.) Anyway, as I was saying, I sit in my living room a lot.

Before I had a dog I had a shag carpet, I brought it with me when Jason and I moved in together. It's a pain with the dog. It traps dog smell and collects fur. I was tired of looking at it in the living room. It was time. So I decided to go to IKEA.

Even in the middle of a weekday it's not the same at IKEA when you have cancer. It's crowded with people coughing and those carts are impossible to wheel around without any effort. You have to do everything yourself and it takes forever to get anywhere. The parking too, it's awful. I finally see what Jason hates about IKEA now. It's exhausting. I did find a new rug though. After heaving it into the car along with the dinner napkins I continue to stockpile- like I have plans to host some elaborate dinner party; I decided I needed to go to Homesense to look around. Clearly my suffering hadn't reached a peak.

I usually go to Homesense thinking I'll buy a pillow to match something and end up totally overwhelmed and leave with a bag of discounted organic carrot chips or a new kitchen gadget or a mug I'll never use with a stupid saying on it. This time I went to the picture and mirror section to look around.

The first thing I looked at ended up hitting a giant mirror and it smashed all over the floor. And I mean shattered. It made the hugest sound and everyone in the vicinity stared at the cancer girl who just busted a $200 mirror. 7 years bad luck.

I bet people felt awful for me, the looks ranged somewhere from OMG to you poor thing. The two employees who ran over looked like they didn't quite know what to do at first it was such a mess.

I on the other hand, was encouraged. I took this as a sign from the Universe that at the least I've still got 7 years left. It was an auspicious event. Funny how cancer changes outlook. I apologized but didn't offer to pay. It was an accident. Mirrors break. People get cancer.

Sorry.

I actually did end up buying a $14 clearance pillow. I was encouraged by the smashing of the mirror and felt the time was now to make a bold decision. I don't mind it and it does go with the rug; which, really ties the room together.

It wasn't an awful day, other than the fact IKEA is now up there with Costco for enjoy-a-bility on the to-do with chemo activities list. Epsom salt soaks are still number one tied with sleeping.

It's been over a week now since my last injection and I'm feeling a little better. The cod dinner went down so nicely we walked back to the store so I could get my today steps in and got another loin. I'll make the identical meal tonight and hopefully it goes just as well.

I try to eat alkaline. Vegetables comprising most of my diet, I still don't consume any sugar unless naturally occurring in fruit, and then minimal. I haven't eaten any real grains, dairy or any red meat in months. I did make a quinoa salad yesterday which I was hoping would taste delicious, until I discovered that chemo has made cilantro taste like soap and I covered my salad in it. I ate it anyway. Cilantro chelates toxins.

Which brings me to my next issue. Holistic health.

When I started school, I was already pretty "granola" with my tastes and preferences for natural healing, organic food and general avoidance of toxins. I was under the impression that the things I was doing were making a difference and I was healthier as a result. I was minimizing my toxic load, I was going to live longer and it was worth it.

I'm not saying that isn't still kind of true but I see things differently now. I'm a little disillusioned. I don't know what to believe anymore. I'm still going to the naturopath and I'm still eating all organic and trying to follow the "rules" but I hear stories of people eating nothing but mac and cheese the whole time they're on chemo and the cancer still going away.

I was debating whether or not to have potatoes twice in a week because they're carb heavy nightshades. I just don't know anymore about the grey areas. It makes me feel insecure about what I do for a living....or did anyway. I'm not saying I'm heading over to work at Monsanto after my treatment is over but I am starting to question where I sit on the spectrum.

It's another thing cancer has destroyed for me. I no longer truly believe that doing all the right things nets the right result. I have read Radical Remission. I know it's possible but a few criticisms of the book are that she didn't actually confirm that all the subjects had a definitive cancer diagnosis, nor did she rule out that conventional treatment didn't contribute to the remission. She listed factors that were common in people who experienced a statistically rare remission. She didn't consider everyday factors and seven of the nine factors she lists are emotional or spiritual.

I'm not saying I don't agree with her. I think it's a very inspirational and hopeful book and the stories are wonderful to read. But statistically, I shouldn't have gotten cancer to begin with. I already did the diet thing, I tried to live the way she describes...where does this leave me now. What more can I change? I am now relying on conventional treatments to bridge the gap, which has me eating my words on a lot of subjects which in the past I might've spoken poorly about with respect to conventional healing methods.

Again, I'm not poo-pooing natural medicine, I'm simply saying I'm going through a period of doubt and confusion and I'm questioning what I know, and have been taught. Some people who I used to view as brilliant natural healers now seem a bit "out there" to me. It's a shift.

Maybe it's a good thing, Socrates did say during his trial for corrupting the youth that "An unexamined life is not worth living" so maybe cancer is causing me to take a look at how realistic my protocols are for most people as a Holistic Nutritionist. Maybe it's making me a better person. Incidentally, Socrates was sentenced to death, but that's beside the point.

It's all a matter of perspective and cancer is shifting mine everyday.

A broken mirror isn't bad luck anymore; especially when you don't recognize the person in it.