#25 Hurry Up and Wait

In the chemo "cycle" technically today and tomorrow are the best I'm going to feel until it all starts over again. I don't. I woke up with a sore throat and what feels like the start of a cold. Normally this wouldn't be a big deal but because I have a compromised immune system I have to now be monitoring my temperature and watching for any indication of infection or worsening respiratory symptoms. I have to report to the cancer emergency tomorrow morning at 9am for a full check up, maybe chest x-ray to rule out lung involvement and have blood work done. If someone on chemo gets an infection and it goes untreated it can very quickly turn to sepsis and become serious in a short matter of time. If I develop a fever of over 38.0 at any point I need to go immediately to the ER. The flu could kill me. It's nerve wracking.

I've gotten kind of used to hearing side effects and possibilities that are scarier than cancer itself. I just keep hoping that I'm going to be OK. That my body can fight this sore throat and that it passes and I don't need to put my chemo on hold. It's all just a waiting game. Waiting for tests, waiting for results, waiting to see if the chemo is working, waiting to see how I feel, waiting for side effects, waiting for surgery, waiting to be cured.

It's not just the overcoming and overlooking of physical discomfort, the real battle is won between the ears. It's learning how to be OK not knowing, not feeling great but being positive you'll recover, it's knowing the side effects but not worrying that you're going to get every one. It's taking things slowly, while trying not to be impatient. It's exhausting.

I didn't do my full walk today. I just didn't feel like it. I didn't want to sit in my chair from dusk till dawn either though so I did some laundry and dishes and I walked around the corner to the grocery store and got some yams to put in my quinoa salad and some kale for my morning juices. Today is the last day I eat a full days worth of food. Tomorrow I start reducing my intake until at noon I begin fasting in preparation for chemo Friday.

I went to see my naturopath and he told me that it's possible the ONE frozen grape I had during my last chemo session was enough to cause significant stomach upset to the point where I felt nauseous. He advised that I fast for 24 hours before chemo, during chemo and after chemo I should start very slowly on liquids and work my way up. I guess I didn't give the chemo enough credit because the first round wasn't as upsetting as I thought it would be. The second round taught me a lesson.

Last time when I had chemo I got home and ate some rice and broccoli and carrots. That was a mistake. It was way too much. Even though I was hungry, my stomach couldn't take it. This time I'll try this approach and see. He also told me that the effects of chemo are cumulative and things might just be the same again, me feeling like I'm going to die for 8 hours until I drink enough water and filter out enough of the chemo. I hope not. I'm anxious about it.

Anyway, nothing I can do but what I'm doing so I have to let it go as much as I can. I should just enjoy having some hair still....after this chemo I'm guessing it'll really start to fall out. Although, to be honest, I don't see hair really mattering much. I don't go anywhere. Literally.

I don't have friends here to visit. Having just moved to Hamilton in July, I haven't made any friends here, except for the ones I had just started to make at work, and I don't work now so that's out. I used to occasionally force Jason to go to a restaurant with me for a change, or sometimes I'd even go to one I knew he would hate by myself. He doesn't like fancy or trendy or exotic. I would sometimes find a new place that was serving something cool and sit at the bar and enjoy an appetizer and a fancy drink and read a book. Sometimes we'd go to the movies and every Friday night we were in a bowling league. I don't do any of it anymore. Germs and whatnot.... my life outside of this house has seriously been reduced.

I'm starting to get a little bit bored of being alone during the days, me and the dog staring at each other when a loud truck goes by. When I wake up at 3am and can't get back to sleep I feel a little bit dreadful about the coming day and all of the time I need to fill. I should start knitting, or cleaning out a drawer a day, maybe start sorting through all of my bras to give away. I won't be needing them anymore. LOL. That's one expense I can eliminate. No more sportsbras needed it's gonna be hard to get used to.

I try not to think too far ahead. Surgery doesn't get much of my attention because I'm focused on just getting through chemo first. I'm only 5/16 weeks right now. I don't want to wish the days away because I remind myself they're all precious, but I want them to pass so this part of the cancer adventure can be over and I can be on to the next step.

Truth is, there's no speeding up anything, or slowing down anything. I have only today and this moment. Sometimes a minute can seem like forever and other days pass so quickly. I try to remind myself that worrying doesn't help pass time, it just ruins the time you've got.

I won't know if I'll get a fever or if I'll throw up from the chemo. I won't know what my blood work results are until I get them. If I spend tonight worrying about all those things, I lose today to the fear of what tomorrow might hold. The negative energy of worrying can't add anything positive anyway....

Some days are like this, just sitting in a chair battling the what ifs and trying not to rabbit hole.

Even days like these, I have to be proud of myself for getting through the tough moments. It's easy to spin out worrying or obsessing about what tomorrow may bring, but as I remind myself every night - tomorrow isn't promised.

So, I clear my head and focus on all the things I have to be grateful for.

There really are just so many more of those than there are worries anyway.