#26 Please Excuse this Viral Interruption

Today was a shit day. I won't sugar coat it.

I showed up with my sore throat to the RESSCU unit at the Cancer centre at 9am. They had my name already on the chart and a chair ready for me. A nice chair, that leaned back and a TV that worked with a remote. I thought, not bad. But then again...all the people here have cancer, little things matter when you can't control a lot.

Anyway, I told the nurse the deal. I have a sore throat. I don't feel awful, but I feel like I might be fighting a little cold or something. I told her if I wasn't on chemo I wouldn't have even missed a day of work for this or even mentioned it, it feels pretty mild.

She then proceeded to take 6 massive vials of blood to be sent to be cultured to see if I had a blood infection. 4 small vials of blood to go to the lab for immediate analysis to check my blood counts. 1 throat swab, to test for strep or tonsilitis. 1 stick up my nose to rule out flu or corona viruses. Pee in a cup to check for bacterial infection or protein in urine. All results will be back in 24 hours. Except the vials that go to the lab immediately for my blood counts.

So I sat there and waited while various cancer patients came and went for all sorts of things....one couldn't breathe, was having tachycardia and needed to be monitored. One was jaundiced and needed liver tests and to go for an abdominal ultrasound. One was a guy who was brought in by his wife and daughter, he didn't want to come but he was on chemo and was weak and couldn't get out of bed and was dizzy. They told him he was severely dehydrated and needed to check kidneys and give him fluids and yes, the wife and daughter were right.

And then there was me. Sore throat. Surely I would be in and out, and on my way to the pharmacy to collect my drugs for my chemo session tomorrow.

Not so fast! The results came back and my white blood cells were 16.3! Normal is under 11 and over 2. Clearly my little fighters were showing up for something. My sore throat I guess....

So she said the words I was dreading...."We're delaying your chemo a week".

Totally ruined my day. It's just a sore throat. But I guess it's not. If I were to have chemo while my body was hard at work with all my white blood cells showing up, the chemo would obliterate them and whatever they were fighting off would be unopposed.

So , I guess, better to stay alive and monitor the situation for a week and possibly add antibiotics if needed, rather than charge ahead and wreck the place.

Still it really bummed me out. I was mentally prepared for my weekend, and to have this treatment out of the way and now I need to wait another week and baby this cold, resting when I don't feel all that tired and just sitting here sipping tea until I can resume chemo on Valentine's Day. Just how I imagined mine and Jason's first real V-Day in our home. OH well.

I distracted myself and I went to Costco and returned a shitty blender and looked at the Vitamix. Obviously, I'm not buying a $500 blender, but someday maybe I will. The Ninja I bought had to be returned. It's cracked in the same spot in two different blenders and it's just no Vitamix. I hear sometimes the shopping channel has a blowout special on them. I wonder if I even have that channel in Fibe package. I should check it out. Anyway, it was a good time killer.

Then I went to the grocery store. Today I will attempt to eat salmon. Fish seems to be the protein that goes down best. Plus I really enjoy fish because it's yummy and sky high in Omegas. The kids eat it too, without complaint, so it's an easy win. I got a yam and some broccoli. I should be fasting but, now I've got a whole week of eating to plan. Oh well, this was one meal out of the way.

When I got back in the car I got an email saying that my Cancer Yoga class was cancelled due to low enrollment. Another shit thing. I was looking forward to that class. I haven't gone this week to yoga. I've walked a few times, but nothing spectacular. I'm in a rut. This news today isn't helping.

I realized it wasn't so much that I WANTED the chemo, it was just that I knew it was going to happen and I was mentally preparing and I had a schedule. Now I don't. Of course I'd rather not have chemo, and live. As opposed to have the chemo on schedule and then develop a horrible virus that could kill me. LOL. It's a pretty easy pick. I just didn't see it coming.

I guess this is a good opportunity for me to practice my let it go and just accept it attitude. I'll sit in my chair and drink tea and try to think positively.

Madeleine has dance class tonight and I can no longer take her, it's a small room where the parents (dancemoms) sit and germs are abundant, so Jason takes her. Just another thing he's doing that makes him the best.

I feel badly, I was kind of grouchy to him before he left. It's hard to keep all your feelings all in line and disappointment and frustration sometimes comes out as a complaint about the dishes or some snappy comment that's no good for anyone. The spouse bears a burden too on shitty days.

It's just a side effect of treatment they warned us about. They said "periods of moodiness" are quite common. I can't really feel it until it's too late, and then I feel sorry afterwards for being too bitchy.

I'll apologize after he gets back from dance class and helps me get the kids to bed, and then he'll offer make me a tea or some popcorn like he does every night and then watches a show with me I know he wouldn't have picked if he were alone. He's very forgiving.

Soon I'm going to write a blog about what I think about his half of this experience. Partners go through their own journey when they become the one who has to be strong for the other.

I'd start the blog with something like this....

In 2017, Jason Frost was a very eligible bachelor, playing ultimate 4-5x a week, cycling everywhere, eating when and what he wanted, taking daily after work naps, hitting the gym at 6am and then going to work, no kids, no girlfriend besides a casual date he'd select with leisure, no real responsibility to anyone besides his dog and his job, trips if he wanted them, nothing if he wanted that too. (I had on occasion heard the odd person refers to his life as "a dream".)

In July of 2019, he left all of that behind to be a full time committed partner, weekday step-dad, workout buddy, home-owning, lawn-cutting, IKEA shopping, organic eating, day tripping, BBQing Dad-dude.

He enjoyed that life for about 5 short months before he became the primary caregiver, the rock we all depend on, the tear wiper, the driver to activities, the lunch maker, the dishes do-er, the laundry man, the barf patrol, the middle of the night soother, the financial and emotional support for all of us. Talk about a violent 180 in under a year....and all for love.

And still he does all those things and more because he loves me and the kids.

I guess I shouldn't have gotten frustrated about the dishes.

Just a little snapshot into my life to show what a day with cancer looks like, becuase very few are the same.

Again, I blame the side effects. I can do that a little.....it's allowed they told me so in my last therapy session.

I was pretty bitchy though....see what cancer can do. SO savage. So sneaky.

That's OK, maybe I can turn this bad day around before bed with some sincere words of gratitude and appreciation.

Maybe tonight, I'll make him the tea and popcorn.

Little things matter when you can't control a lot.