My hair was falling out in patches over the last few days and it really was a depressing thing, so I just decided to shave it completely off. I look like every image of a cancer patient you've seen. It's strange feeling, the air on my head. I can't look at myself in the mirror yet without feeling discouraged. My head is small and I look like Calliou. I'll post a pic when I feel a little better about it. Going bald sucks. You wouldn't think that little bit of hair I had made a difference but it really did.
After my big adventure to the gym I took a bit of a downturn Sunday, the immune boosting shot made me feel like garbage and Monday, Tuesday and today I couldn't really eat anything at all. Today I ate some frozen mangoes, potatoes, dry toast and some water. I can't stomach my supplements and I'm worried that without them the cancer will grow. I'm not feeling too upbeat right now. Likely also due to the fact that PMS doesn't stop with chemo, and maybe is amplified with the amounts of drugs I have to take just to feel semi-normal. I have read some women stop menstruating during cancer treatment but this hasn't been the case for me. I still have to deal with it.
Yesterday I had to go sign the paperwork for my surgery. I had to decide on getting the double mastectomy, as opposed to a single radical mastectomy with axillary nerve dissection. The nodal dissection isn't optional, the cancer is still in my lymph nodes and it isn't getting that much smaller in the breast. I had to hear the Dr. tell me again "It was a large tumor and the disease was extensive in the nodes". It always bums me out. They did say it's still pretty early on in the chemo to see a big response so I just need to be patient.
The only optional part of this surgery for me is the left breast mastectomy. It's called a prophylactic mastectomy, because there is no disease in that breast but it's completely reasonable that I would want it gone. There is no increase in survival risk from my primary cancer if I remove the left breast, but there is a 95% decrease in getting cancer in that breast...obviously, because it would be gone. At this point I'm not interested in a reconstruction, which means a potentially rough looking chest. It's not a simple slice, there are grooves and skin flaps and areas that don't go back to being smooth after and I had to hear about the risk of those deformities as well. There are many possibilities for how I will look, what will happen after the surgery. I will never be the same. It's a major surgery. They do their best, but without reconstruction, it's not always pretty. I'm not so worried about pretty anymore. I'm worried about alive.
I'm choosing the double because I just can't imagine having to go for a mammogram, ultrasound and MRI every year and wait for the results. What if, and hopefully I do - live to be 90? That's 48 more years? That's a LOT of radiation and testing and waiting and wondering and worrying.
I decided that boob is gone. Of course with the addition of that to the surgery, the risk for bleeding and infection is increased 2 fold. Meaning if there was a 5% risk, now there is a 10% risk. I'll be under the anesthetic that much longer (the surgery is about an hour and a half minimum), and the risk of post-operative complications are slightly higher, but really overall, it's a fairly safe surgery and I'm healthy-ish.
Me having cancer, and being on chemo now elevates my risk bracket for heart attack, blood clot and complications during the surgery, there's not much I can do about this. It is what it is. It's pretty scary. The list of risks are extensive. But I want this cancer gone. The surgery is tentatively scheduled for the week after the May long weekend. At least I can get my garden in the ground before I can't move my arms for a few weeks.
I have to finish chemo first and I've got one more round of this dreaded AC before I move on to the Taxol portion of my chemo. The effects of this chemo are noticeably cumulative this time around. I can't digest much and I haven't been walking or to the gym or to old lady yoga since last week.
I'm in a slump. I'm going to pull myself out of it of course, before my Dad comes for his cancer removal surgery. His kidney surgery is scheduled for Tuesday and I want to be helpful, bringing him healthy food to the hospital and what not, so a rally is a must. I'll have a good week next week for his surgery and then I have my final chemo of this round next Friday. I try not to think about it and just focus on small gains.
It's pretty obvious I'm not in a great head space, but people get that way for all sorts of reasons, grey days in February being the least of them. Dreams of summer and pale faces, Vitamin D deficiency and general blahs. I'm not going to be too hard on myself. I'm a human.
This cancer journey is one of many ups and downs, good days and bad days. Today I didn't leave bed for long. I won't make a habit of it. But sometimes when our bodies require us to rest all we can do is give in, and rest them and be gentle with ourselves and not ask too much.
My expectations aren't high right now, which works out well because I've got a few more shows to crush on Netflix and an 8:30 bedtime seems reasonable.
Not all days are winners, but I keep moving forward. Today I rested, and gave myself permission to feel as crappy as I wanted to without pressure to be eternally optimistic. No one is like that. It's insane to be happy all the time. People have dimensions.
Tomorrow I try again to be positive. And I'll be grateful for the chance to try.
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