#34 The Dustoff

Today I got out of bed before noon. I forced myself to stay out of bed by tossing my favourite sheets in the wash so the bed was bare and unavailable to me. I drove Jason back to work on his lunch break, honking at all the teachers I passed. Fucking Ford.

My last trip to Ikea which resulted in a rug and a few discounted pillows was an exercise in exhaustion. I was pretty sure it was enough to cure me of any desire I'd ever have to step foot in the place again. But...I only bought two of the big pillows and everyone knows odd numbers are much more appealing, not like House and Home is coming over for a photo shoot anytime soon; but, I have to sit in the living room all day and it bugs me that there are only two big pillows. So I decided to go back and get one pillow. ONE pillow.

It took me a long time to find a parking spot and after stalking someone who was exiting I found a primo spot and proceeded in. I forgot all the kids were off school today which meant a lot of people were at Ikea with their kids. I knew it was a mistake the minute I entered. I had such a good spot though, and the pillows were right there....and the napkins were on sale. So I got some napkins...and some ziplock bags....and another little pillow and then looked around a bit until I got stuck behind a woman with 3 screaming kids.

I looked down at my cart, and looked around and at the line in the warehouse and then looked back down at the cart and left the whole thing there and left with nothing. I don't know why I felt buying a pillow would make me feel better. It's not a necessary expense and it's just stuff. And stuff doesn't matter. All the pillows, the napkins and the non-biodegradable plastic bags won't make me feel better. I think it'll be a long time before I go back to Ikea. So much crap, so much crap everywhere. I drove away feeling deep down we need less not more.

So naturally, my next stop was Costco. No, I'm not joking. I know....

I HAD to go. Fridays they get their wild Atlantic fish shipment in, and I wanted to get some cod for dinner. I was going to try to eat a real meal tonight. It would be my first in a week. If I'm going to be crapping everything out that I eat, I'd rather it be collard greens and cod instead of dry toast and organic applesauce. It doesn't seem to make a difference what I put in my mouth, it all tears through me like a bullet anyway so I might as well at least enjoy one end of the experience. AND Costco has deals on organics.

Anyway, same story at Costco. I trolled around for a spot and waded through the crowds. Again, so much crap. People just ramming their carts full of stuff they don't need. To fill a need for something missing. So many people, so much stuff. I got the cod and some spinach, some organic strawberries, some lovely looking green olives from Italy and a pineapple. And got the hell out of there.

Having cancer and fearing for my life, has made me put less importance on the having of things. There's nothing I can buy and nothing material that would ever change my current situation. Any retail therapy I might've had the benefit of before is now replaced with my awareness that all of this is temporary and all the things in the world can't take the place of time. It is what it is. But today I got to the point where I don't want to shop anymore, and that's something. It's a milestone.

Another development - me becoming a different person because of cancer. I had no idea how far reaching the disease is. It changes everything. There are lots of diseases that are life threatening, but cancer seems to be the one that scares the most people. Understandably, it kills some people very quickly.

I noticed today that people don't like to look at me for too long now and rarely make eye contact. I think because I look like I have cancer. It's upsetting. So young. Cancer doesn't discriminate. I remind people now, of the fragility of life, seeing me in Costco might make you feel sad and no one should feel sad when free samples abound.

I'm getting over the hair loss, I'm bald. Here's what I look like. I do look like I have cancer. It's an unmistakable look. There's no hiding it. Again, don't mind the high fashion jammies. It's after 6. That's my uniform. You can see the patches of the remaining hair follicles, it's not an overly appealing look. I haven't gone out bald yet because it's winter, but there it is. This is the look for the next 3-4 months. It's low maintenance I'll give it that.

Anyway, I still have my lashes and some eyebrows although they are both thinning too. When they go I'll be a real boiled egg. LOL.

So after Costco, I decided it was time to go back to the gym. I didn't feel awesome but I feel well enough now to try going back. I can't quit and if I don't go back, I'll slip into not going. So I went. It was tough. But I did it. Even if I make it once a week, I still haven't missed a week since my diagnosis.

Going through chemo is basically the equivalent of having the most violent stomach flu and just when you start to recover, you get it again. It involves repeatedly having to pick yourself up and dust yourself off and start again. Get out of bed, force yourself back to life, to try when you feel like giving up. But giving up isn't an option and you know as soon as you feel human again you have to start all over.

When I got home I made the bed with the fresh sheets and will start again tomorrow, I may not have accomplished much today, but I kept going despite feeling like I wanted to quit. I did it for my kids and that's the truth.

If I didn't get out of bed I might not have realized what I did about Ikea and Costco and "stuff". I guess when you make an effort life rewards you with a lesson and an experience and my journey with cancer continues to be that.

I am grateful for the opportunity to continue, everyday.