#36 Leaping Ahead

I was hoping my experience at chemo this week would be better. It wasn't.

I had another reaction to the drugs, I think just having so many in me at once. They had to give me morphine to keep giving me the chemo. The nurses gathered around my station and they pulled the curtains closed while I heaved into a little bag. I didn't actually throw up. Just heaving and feeling like hell. It's not a fun time. I was totally out of it.

All in all that day from 9:30 until about noon I had: dexamethasone (a steroid) orally, 975mg of tylenol orally, aprepitant orally (an anti nauseant), granisetron (an anti nauseant) orally, benedryl IV (for allergic reaction), gravol IV(more antinauseant), and two types of chemo IV, and then more steroid IV and then finally morphine IV (to try to stop the reaction).

I had to be wheeled out. I was a zombie. I don't remember a whole lot. My poor liver. She keeps on pumping. I think of her and what she must be thinking. What is going on out there. Just when she finally got a break from the booze. LOL.

Anyway, I had a good sleep, naturally. I was loaded. Surprisingly I woke up feeling not really all that bad. All things considered. The body is an amazing machine. The things it can endure. I started my day with a big 'ol glass of veggie juice and I ate cod and asparagus and sweet potatoes for dinner without issue. Amazing. I'm sure all those drugs are still kicking around so I'm not planning on slamming back any muffins anytime soon but a bonus none the less. I may cap the night off with some frozen mangoes. My new "it" food. Try them. They taste EXACTLY like ice cream.

My Dad was released from the hospital today with staples covering his abdomen and minus one organ, but he walked up the stairs to my house and sat on the couch and drank a fizzy water. It's amazing. It gives me hope. We were all so very worried about his cancer and his surgery and now those two things are behind us and a big burden for me is lifted. I'm sure a small part of him feels guilty for not having cancer anymore when he sees me. I would feel conflicted if it were me and my kids. BUT I am just nothing but happy that he's cancer free. It makes me feel like it's possible and recovery is too.

So I'm half done my chemo now. I'm done with the "red devil". My next rounds will be Taxol, I hear less gastrointestinal side effects and more bone and muscle pain, which I somehow feel will be easier to tolerate. I don't know. The AC (red devil) portion of the chemo was a real bitch. Tomorrow I take another immuno-booster and we'll see how that goes, but again....I feel like being half done is a small milestone. Even if the tumor isn't really shrinking...although I feel like this time it might be a little smaller....who knows. My ultrasound is booked for March 5 and the following Monday I'll find out and I'll take the news in stride because it's all I can do. I just keep imagining myself cancer free and riding my bike again in the sunshine.

My new goal with the "exercise study" at McMaster is that I have to strength train 2x a week and reach 8,000 steps a day. It's not small potatoes when you feel like garbage, but I'm assured it will serve me in the end and I was healthy and strong when this started so I hate to see it all go down the drain. So Jason and I went for a walk because even though I was up and around a bit today even making it to the grocery store to get some stuff for my dad my step count was only at 3,500. When we were walking I could feel spring in the sunshine, on my face even though the wind was cold. Spring will come, and I'll be here and I'll plant my garden and I'll watch it grow.

There are tough days in everyone's life, but we just need to realize that they don't last and warmer days do come. We plant the seeds with our thoughts and like our garden that sleeps under the winter ground, these buds will come to life in time if we can just find a little sunshine on a bonus day in February.