#37 Crispy Spring Roll

The first few days after having chemo are unpredictable. You'd think that a person would feel terrible and be throwing up, in bed and unable to do much - like you see on TV. The truth is the steroids they give you to force your body to accept the chemo drugs keep you up and give you more energy than you'd imagine. Usually it's later in the week, 5-6 days later when the steroids wear off that chemo hits.

The steroids though... it's not a real energy. Actually I shouldn't say that, it really does feel "real". Heart beating real. On Sunday I cooked a full dinner and drove it to my Mom's. My Dad was staying there since being released after his surgery and it was just easier to all get together there. The kids wanted to see Grampa before he flew home this week. I drove there and back because being a passenger doesn't suit me. There's so much I have to just sit through now, I realize I don't like being in anything but the driver's seat when I'm driving anymore. Not that I ever wasn't a backseat driver. LOL.

Anyway, I even took an hour and Jason and I went down to the workout area at my Mom's condo and I got my 8,000 steps in before serving dinner. Steroids. They mask what's really going on behind the scenes as the body is fighting to keep up. I try to rest but they don't just agitate the body, they agitate the mind too. I'm finding it hard to sleep at night. I wake up and can't get back to sleep. The hamster just running on the wheel. It's certain Sunday I overdid it, but for me, overdoing it has always been a little bit comforting. At least I'm doing something. I know it's not healthy but it's a weakness of mine. I'm working on it.

Monday was a crappy day so I decided I should take it easy. It wasn't a nice day to walk outside so I thought about going to the gym but after watching the morning news I got all paranoid about the stupid Coronavirus and decided I wanted to live so I stayed home and read Facebook about all the Costco shoppers stocking up on a year's worth of toilet paper in case they get a cold and have to stay home for 14 days.

I realize the paranoia surrounding this virus is exaggerated and healthy young people likely won't experience anything more than a bad cold and will just build some natural immunity...but people like me with no immune system and factors called "co-morbidities" like diabetes, kidney disease, hypertension, asthma or cancer can actually die from it, for reals. Die.

So I decided to walk the mall instead. Less touching of things. I can't just sit home and watch TV. I've been gifted many books but chemo brain is a real thing and I can't focus for long enough to read for very long without getting a headache and doing stuff around the house is exhausting. The mall is a depressing place. I don't think I'll become a mall walker. I just wanted to buy a bunch of things from Lululemon and I realized that buying a hundred dollar pair of yoga pants wouldn't make anyone feel better. If it does, search your soul.

I came home and made a whole bunch of vegetarian sushi for the kids and Jason for dinner. It took some time but it was a relaxing endeavor and everyone likes sushi here so it's an easy meal. Ari says it's the GOAT of foods. I used to agree. There was a time when I'd love nothing more than crushing a few rolls with some hot sake and a nice seaweed salad. Maybe a dumpling or two. I'd say now my go to meals are greens and maybe some fish. So boring but really, just good for me with minimal negatives. Sushi is too carb heavy and glucose feeds cancer. There are few foods I eat now that I just eat to enjoy. Everything is premeditated, I consider everything. It's exhausting.

Tuesday I realized that since mall walking was out and it was pouring rain I'd have to either pace my home or go to the gym. I decided I'd just make sure not to touch my face and wash my hands when I was done and go walk the treadmill and do some weights. I'm still getting the stares but I'm used to it now. Just because someone has cancer doesn't mean they're sick all the time. Sometimes people with cancer feel just fine. Sometimes they run on the treadmill for a few minutes for a time like I did. I don't blame people for being curious.

My sister and brother in law have arranged for an authentic Greek meal service for us every Tuesday which takes the pressure off of having to make dinner that day for us. The kids and Jason love it. (I can't eat any food made in a restaurant because of the possibility of any contamination). My Mom also comes each Tuesday to help me with bedtime because Jason plays Ultimate around bedtime and even though I don't make dinner I still have to get myself a little something ready and usually by 7:30 I'm too tired to do the whole bedtime routine solo. Yesterday I had to stop halfway up the stairs and pause because I was so tired at bedtime. It sucks. I want to have all the energy to sit and read to my kids and chat with them at bedtime and do all the things, but I accept that me being there to give kisses will be enough for now. I'll get stronger and this is just temporary. I keep telling myself that, it helps with the motherly guilt when my babies have to tuck themselves back in at night.

I spend a whole lot of time alone now, I talk to very few people, I don't go many places and I don't have visitors over. All day long I spend inside my head. It can make for long days....

Today I decided regardless that I wouldn't go to the gym because it was nice out. So nice in fact I thought maybe I'd have a fresh early spring ride on my bike. I walked to the grocery store and got some ingredients for dinner and carried them home and then lugged my bike up from the basement. I pumped up the tires and as soon as I hit the road I felt a little more like me. No one could see my bald head, I didn't look weak or sick. I was just a person on a bike. I could feel the sunshine on my face and imagined going a little further each ride and into spring. I saw a little bit of light at the end of the chemo tunnel. I planned out my spring rides in my head.

I remembered the odd day when I didn't feel like riding my bike places, when I would take for granted being able to just climb the mountain or ride for an hour somewhere. I took a little time today to appreciate the life I still have and being able to still get on my bike.

I do love my bike. As cliche as it is, life is like riding a bike, you just have to keep pedaling, slow down if you must and cruise when the wind is at your back but sometimes it takes a little extra to get back on and keep going and it's those days that make all the difference. It's the days when your legs are stiff and the gears are a little tight that putting in the extra effort to try to keep moving defeats cancer for that day. Cancer is not a death sentence, every day that I live I realize that more and more. It is an opportunity to see my life as the gift that it truly is.