I started this blog to give a voice to what having breast cancer is like. I write it because someday my kids may read it when they wonder what it was like for me, I write it because some days I can't message everyone back to say how I'm feeling. I also write it as a form of therapy for me. I try to see the positive and provide an honest account of my days.
Yesterday was one of those days I'd heard about happening but hoped wouldn't happen to me. I was told that 48 hours after my chemo injection it was possible and maybe likely I'd have some bone pain - how much or how little depended on the individual but the nurse noted that younger healthier people seemed to have worse side effects.
I was totally fine Friday and Saturday. Sunday morning when I woke up I'm not exaggerating in the slightest when I say that within one hour it felt like someone took a baseball bat to almost every bone in my body. My wrists, ankles, both of my legs and my whole pelvic girdle. It felt like someone shattered my knees. I took Claritin because I was told sometimes it helps. It didn't. I took benedryl because I was told it might help. It didn't. I took the maximum amount of tylenol - even though I know how bad tylenol is for a person....it didn't help at all. I took CBD oil...nothing. I took lorazepam. Nothing.
I was in bed, in pain for the entire day and night. I couldn't get in or out of bed without help, I couldn't walk without stabbing pain. I slept maybe an hour or so when the pain faded just enough. I actually couldn't believe how painful it was. I was literally crying. It was constant pain at a solid 8 with stabbing pains at a 9. I still have yet to give any pain I've had (even though I had Madeleine without so much as an Advil) a 10 on the pain scale. I always reserve the 10 because I imagine the 10 being a pain that kills you. This wasn't the kind of pain that was going to kill me, but if I had to live with pain like this for the rest of my life without relief I think I'd want to die.
You hear about bone pain but until you experience true all over bone pain you can't imagine it. You can't rub it away, you can't scratch it or hold it or do anything to make it better. It's unreal. Chemotherapy really is tough. It's relentless.
Today my Dr. sent some morphine to the pharmacy for me. It has taken the pain from a 9 to a 6 or a 7. It's still there, I still can't stand for longer than 5 minutes. My legs are aching and sore and there's no way I'm going for my daily walk but it's not like it was yesterday.
So that was yesterday.... Not meaning to be a downer but that was a real day in the life. All day in bed, watching the news in pain. Not a great day. The Coronavirus is all the news is about...it's scary. It's strange for many people - especially usually busy people who are accustomed to going out and to work and all over the place to stay home. I get it.
It's not really strange for me to be isolated to home. I have been doing it since January. Now I worry though, that others won't do it...and when Jason goes to the pharmacy or grocery store someone who didn't listen will have touched something he touches and he'll bring it home.
I also worry that even people won't listen and hospitals will become overwhelmed with sick people and I won't receive care for my cancer because there won't be room for me. Or that my surgery to remove the cancer from my body will be pushed back because there won't be a bed for me. It's a real threat.
There's not much I can do but sit here and look out my window and hope people do the right thing. I'm already fighting for my life, I don't need an additional battle.
I hope to look back on this time in my life as a bad dream that I woke up from, but for now it does seem pretty grim if I focus on my fear. I'm choosing not to do that.
At the end of the day, I have hope in people -that they'll do the right thing because we really do care about each other. We all are lucky to live in a society where it's possible for us to have access to the health care we do and the expert advice that is available.
We can watch the news all day long and worry or we can just stay home and think positively and go outside and look up at the sky and take some deep breaths.
Everything is going to be OK. Even the worst days don't last.
The only thing I can think of to comment about is your positive thinking and the fight you are putting up, I have been fighting in Martial arts for over 40 years, and have won a lot of fights, but I have never been in a fight as tough as the one you are in now, so all I can say is don't give up, if you are knocked down 3 time then get up 4 times and keep fighting until you win, and I want to be there to help you celebrate .. Love you and thinking of you many times.
Sorry you have to experience that pain. Thinking of you and praying everyday that the treatment would not cause you pain. I stopped listening to the news as of today. Very depressing. We are staying home whenever possible. Only going for groceries etc when needed. I have COPD and do not need to contact this virus. You take care doing the best you can hug your family often and know people are praying for you.
Sending love and hugs to you and your family.
Oh Sara, I'd hoped you might be spared the worst of the pain, but not to be I guess! Ilove the positivity and looking forward to the day when you are well! We all are and that day will come! I believe it might be best not to watch the news! So much misinformation and people contradicting one another. It's very upsetting for all! Hopefully you will get a visit from your family and that will brighten your day! Brody can make anyone's day sunnier!hoping for better days ahead in your journey meanwhile sending you strength, love and hugs!xoxo, Mary.