#45 Another Day

I had my third taxol injection yesterday. Due to the fact that I had a reaction the previous time I had to have all my meds IV. I asked the nurse why they switched from oral (pills) to IV meds. The dosage was the same. She told me that "they" don't know how much of a pill is really absorbed when it's given orally, so with the IV they know for sure that the patient absorbs all the drug. It's strange, to hear that as a nutritionist because I know the same applies to food. It's not necessarily what goes in your mouth, it's what your body can absorb, and if you don't have a healthy gut, you don't absorb much.

Anyway, so I had the IV and then we waited 45 min for the drugs to get in fully and then they start the drip. The nurse sat beside me, I was alone again, but this time I had a mask on and she had a mask on and a face shield and full protective gear. The week before she didn't. Here was my look.

I'm doing my best "that you Rona" look. It became very real that I was in a hospital and it was possible that the virus was floating around and I'm sitting there with zero immune system about to be injected with poison.

So anyway, they started the drip and we sat together and chatted about nail polish until I got a strange feeling in my stomach and then my heart started palpitating and my face turned red and again my chest started to tighten. They had to inject me with more benedryl and steroids again, and called a "code green" to the chemo suite and the Dr came and they gave me more drugs and they called my oncologist and he decided that we should continue with the taxol if I could tolerate it. So we waited another 45 minutes and then she started the drip again at 25% for 15 minutes, and then 50% for 30 and then back up to full speed for the remainder of the 4 hours. It was a long day. I was still struggling to cool my own fingers and toes and change the ice and sip water and disinfect my hands every time I touched my mask. It wasn't a fun day. But I made it home. I had cod for dinner and we watched a few episodes of Ozark and we went to bed.

I had to take some gravol and some extra herbal tincture to force me to sleep because all the steroids they gave me were keeping me up and making me so hungry. I had a terrible sleep, night sweats are a real thing for me now. They didn't list it as a side effect of chemo, but it is one. I found myself wondering if night sweats were a side effect of cancer maybe and not chemo, but I won't ever know.

We stayed in bed until noon, there's no reason to get up really. The kids are with Dads until next week. We've decided on a three week rotating schedule to minimize back and forth and limit the possibility they could bring the Rona home to me. I miss them so much, but I'm happy they get to spend time with their dads and don't have to see me sick. Also, they spent the last few weeks in a cottage up in Collingwood that Madeleine's dad had so they were out in nature and walking on the beach and in the fresh air. It makes me happy to know they're not stuck inside and not around anyone.

Today being day 2 after taxol, it's usually a pretty good day. The steroids are still in the system so the bone pain hasn't set in, my mood is good and I have energy. We went for a walk around 1. There were so few people out and about, we walked the mountain brow and looked down on Hamilton, so few cars. It was nice to see people are staying home. It makes me feel safer. When I got home, I took a nice bath at which point I noticed some new side effects to taxol.

My fingertips and skin on my hands is peeling. It doesn't hurt, but it's not pretty.

It's melting my skin.

So sick.

Then I noticed my arm, where the injection went in mid way up my arm and you can see how the chemo actually burns the vein from the inside. You can see the tract of the vein and how it's damaged,or how the chemical burned from the inside. I think about what's going on in my heart, or all the other places those veins run. I try not to think about it too much....

The Dr told me that the toxicity and the reaction that I have to the drug is cumulative so it's not going to get better but luckily I only have one more round to go. Next time I have to take steroids for 36 hours before my chemo to properly shut down my immune system so they can pump in one more round without it killing me. April 24 is that last chemo injection and then I have 3 1/2 weeks off before my surgery to get my immune system up to strong enough to withstand what's basically considered a double amputation and removal of part of my immune system from under my right arm. All the while trying to stay away from Coronavirus. I wonder sometimes how this all happened to me, in the quiet moments when I just sit and look out the window.

A few weeks ago the genetic testing came back and thank God I tested negative for any of the genetic mutations that would cause cancer. This means my children do not have the BRCA gene, and do not have a higher risk of developing breast cancer young. Well, that they know of anyway. When I asked, then why do I have cancer...her legitimate and dead ass answer was "bad luck". That's actually what she said. She followed it up with "it could be environmental, or something we just don't know yet but right now we know it's not any of those 19 genetic mutations we tested for". And that was that.

I was so relieved that my babies were safe and I didn't pass a defective gene along to them, but it doesn't help to not know. Now I find myself wondering if I have cancer because of something I did, or ate or stress or just simply growing up in a steel town. I doubt I'll ever know. I know my children at least don't have this hanging over their heads and I don't have to tell them at some point. They still qualify for the early screening program starting when they're 30 and will have regular mammograms because I have cancer so young. The geneticist said "who knows...maybe by then we'll be testing for a lot more...or know so much more". It made me feel hopeful for the kids, and for women in the future in general.

These certainly are strange times. If you would've told me 6 months ago that I'd be sitting here bald, with no eyelashes or eyebrows and cancer, scared to go outside and afraid of a virus that could end me before cancer did I wouldn't have believed it.

Just goes to show that we never know what happens one day to the next, and that everyday we have is a blessing. Some days I forget to look around and appreciate that despite all that happening in the world, I'm still here for another day and we all are.

We can't spend them living in fear, we can only do what we can to keep safe and healthy and try to carry on and hope for the best. Nothing is guaranteed except the day we have, and it's up to us to see the silver lining. To spend time telling those we love that we love them and taking some extra time to lay in bed and enjoy giving our bodies a break from the stress of a go go go lifestyle.

We're all living with a new reality, just like I had to. It's our job to do what we can to appreciate the days we have, the people who help us have them and to serve each other with kindness and gentleness that comes from the shared experience of feeling more mortal than we were before.

Once you accept that no day is promised, it somehow makes today just a little bit more special than just another day. Lately, there are so many people around the world who didn't get that next day.