#47 Spring Buds

They told me that the last chemo would be brutal for side effects. It makes sense, the toxicity builds up over time so this last round of after effects is particularly gnarly. I try to give a realistic picture of what life since being diagnosed with Stage 3 locally advanced breast cancer is like....so I'm not trying to complain. It just is what it is.

The bell ringing was great and I was happy to be done with my visits to the chemo suite, but I knew this was coming and I had another week of pain to get through before I could really feel that chemo was being put behind me. The last few nights I had some of the worst sleeps ever. Hot flashes and the kind of sleep where you're so tired and in so much pain that you doze off but then have strange thoughts and wake up and start all over again. The night seemed to last forever.

It's bizarre but I had that silly Justin Trudeau song "Speaking Moistly" running through my head and it was quite distracting -- even if it is comedy gold. I just rolled around in bed, high on percoset, but not high enough to make the feelings in my bones subside enough for me to really sleep, just enough to take the edge off. I have to wake Jason up every time I need to get out of bed to pee because my bones are too sore to put weight on after I've been laying down. He suffers during post chemo days 3-6 too.

Our poor dog Finnie is almost 12 now and not in great shape so he sprawls himself out at the end of the bed and in the middle of the night I can't get around him. Jason has to help me step over him. He's a big dog, it's a tight corner and I can't really put weight on my legs. Plus I sleep naked so it's a quite the scene. Last night I caught a mirror glimpse of myself in the moonlight , hunched over, naked, bald and white and soft and almost had to laugh. This was the opposite of any sexy I had ever envisioned for my 42nd year. Life has a funny way of forcing you to break through barriers, to set new limits.

When I got back into bed I laid there thinking about what I was likely doing a year ago. April 2019...It was my graduation. I was going over my Valedictorian speech nightly, celebrating my tenacity as a mature student and single mom who made it to the top of the class. Jason and I were relishing in the purchase of our first home together, I had secured a job as a nutritional consultant and was really excited about all the things my life would bring. I remember before my graduation ceremony when I was doing my makeup, thinking "I'm finally satisfied with the length of my hair". I had rounded the bend too with respect to my physical appearance. I went through a time a few years ago when I lost a bunch of weight and was working out 2 hours a day to try to change my body, to look and feel stronger. It was overkill, I looked great but it was a constant effort. It was nice to be at a phase where maintenance was enough and I was fit and strong. I didn't have weight to lose and I had enough muscle that I wasn't worried about being too thin. I was healthy looking.

Funny how it all crumbled away. Looking at myself in the mirror. A big white potato, I am reminded yet again how fleeting our youthful appearance and external beauty can be.

I read jokes about Coronavirus and hair salons being closed and women not getting their hair done or dyed or eyelashes done or botox etc. and there's a little part of me that hopes these women who spend so much time on the exterior have pause to consider what it's all for.

I'm certainly not saying at one point I wouldn't have been right there in line to get primped after the restrictions were lifted, but now, all I am trying to do is be OK with what I see in the mirror. I remind myself now that real strength and beauty comes from within. Just like all these pretty little spring flowers I see popping up around my yard, the beauty was in the bulb months before anyone sees the flower.

I moved my rhubarb patch this year and the once luscious bunch of stalks stalled and is now just a tiny patch. I remind myself when I look at it that it's just taking some time to collect strength so it can plant some roots and regrow again. Spring is a hopeful time, even when things don't grow like they used to.

My hair has started to grow back. I look like a little a little chick. Not the cute yellow ones either, the ones you see falling out of the nest with the tufts of white fluff on their heads. With the giant beeks. LOL. Bald heads do nothing for big noses. And the hair.... it's all growing in silver. It's anyone's guess what the finished product will be but I honestly am just happy to be finished chemo and see some signs of life returning to my head.

I feel like I'm in tune with nature, sprouting new hair and recovering after a harsh winter. I try not to think about the impending surgery too much, and the subsequent radiation. I just want to enjoy not having anything to do except feel better for a few weeks.

Jason brought home some dairy-free Ben and Jerry's and I've been eating it while we binge watch TV at night after the kids are asleep. I know it's not healthy and it's full of sugar but I'm eating it anyway. I also ordered some of my favourite truffles from a Toronto chocolate maker to my doorstep and I've been eating those in my La-Z Boy. On Thursday I have my first VitC IV treatment and I'll be starting a real detox then so for these few days I'm enjoying eating some treats. I may even have a slice of pizza.

On Thursday I'll cut out all sugar and grains until radiation is done. I can't see myself being vegan -- never eating meat again, I just like it too much. Plus, I need the iron and vitamins. I won't get into the vegetarian debate right now, but I'll just say people aren't designed to eat zero meat and leave it there. I kind of look forward to creating new recipes that are wholesome and organic. It's nice to know that I'm doing good for my body that is trying so hard to recover after the past 4 months of abuse.

Just like all those pretty little spring flowers, it's time to push through all the dirt and shine again. Life isn't easy, but it's so worth it. Springtime reminds us all that renewal and regrowth are possible despite the harshest winters.

We plant seeds with our ideas and intentions. Spring lights up those hopes, brings life to the corners of our souls and allows us to begin again.

Ben and Jerry help.