#49 Sexytime.

Over the past week and a half I've been slowly feeling a little more like myself. Yesterday would've been my chemo day but because I am now finished with the chemo, I have two weeks off until my surgery. I have been sleeping much better, the hot flashes haven't been as bad either. My taste buds are back and I've been inhaling food. Everything tastes so good. I've been eating pasta and cookies and salads and meat and pretty much all the foods I couldn't eat on chemo. My naturopath doesn't want me eating heavy foods or having any "poop" in my system that might constipate me after surgery because of all the pain killers, anesthesia and meds. I see my naturopath now once a week.

I've had two Vitamin C infusions so far, the last one being 25g I will have one more this Monday before I go off all blood thinning supplements and prepare to cleanse my system before my mastectomy. I'll be eating pretty much keto with lots of broths for a week or so before my surgery.

I went to see my surgeon on Tuesday. After waiting in a line outside the hospital to get in I was seen by two nurses who took my temperature, asked me questions and confirmed my appointment before I was let in the building. As a cancer hospital, it's even more important that the virus isn't brought in. Inside the hospital there was no one around. People working far apart from each other and one other person in a normally crowded waiting room.

I was called right away. They weighed me and I was exactly 1lb more than I weighed when I started chemo. The nurse didn't seem impressed but I was proud that I maintained my weight. I was so worried that chemo would turn me into one of those skinny skinny sick looking people. I had a few bad weeks when I couldn't eat but I did all I could to hold on to the weight I had and I half expected a high five or a pat on the back but she just looked at me with a blank expression and told me to go to room 4.

The Dr. came in right away. No mask. But she kept her distance. I had a mask on. She started off by telling me that my mastectomy was still a go. I have an aggressive advanced tumor and I'm at the top of the list for surgeries. She did mention that a few weeks ago though, it would have been debatable if I would be able to have the left breast removed, but now because the "peak" has passed I am able to have the double mastectomy. I never even considered that my left breast was technically considered "elective" and my right is a necessary life saving surgery. I'm so glad I didn't know this sooner. I would've worried about it I'm sure.

Anyway, she told me that my pre-op appointment (which normally takes about 4 hours and is done by a number of Drs and nurses) will now be done over the phone. I don't even get have my blood pressure taken until the day of surgery.

I will however be having a Covid test the day before my surgery. For surgery patients the results come back in 6 hours and I am to strictly isolate after the test. She told me that the way they put me to sleep is through aerosolization - a tube down my throat, so they need to safeguard all the workers in the room.

She then told me that they don't have an exact date for my surgery as ORs are booked the week before and patients just are told that their surgeries are "the week of" and will be called the week before with a date.

I go in to the hospital by myself. I go into surgery alone and I stay overnight alone, no visitors, no one there to help or see me after except one nurse. This aspect of the surgery upsets me a little but there's nothing I can do. I'm grateful to just be still having it in light of all that's going on.

I have decided that there's no way I'm eating any hospital food, so I'm juicing a bunch of vegetables and I'm going to bring them in a cooler and whoever has the pleasure of caring for me will just have to accommodate me. My Dr. said to just tell them I can't eat the food they're serving and need my juices. I hear horror stories of people being fed dairy and wheat and pumped full of pain killers and not being able to poop for days and days after their surgeries, and that's not gonna be me.

Then I asked the surgeon a bunch of questions I had written down. Will I be able to wipe my own butt? The answer was yes. Thank God. I can't imagine having Jason wipe my ass for me, it'll be a brutal enough scene without adding that to the mix. I asked her about the recovery and physical therapy. She told me that I'd have 3 drains hanging from my body for a while...until they stop draining fluid, and everyone has different healing times. I asked her about the bumps in my right arm, she told me I have phlebitis as a result of chemo. My veins are damaged, it's not serious and I should just put warm compresses on them. She reminded me that my right arm won't be used for any blood taking or needles or anything like that due to my lymph node dissection anyway.

She gave me a few little pillows to put under my arms but told me I'd likely need a full mastectomy pillow and one of those big peanut side sleeping pillows. I need some button down shirts and pajamas that open in front - I have none of these things. I tried looking on line for a nice pajama set but I gave up. Plus, I don't know if they'll arrive in time so I really don't know what to do about it to be honest, I need a robe too. Maybe I'll search again when I'm done typing this. I think I'm reluctant to shop for it because I'm dreading the surgery so much.

Well, I shouldn't say that....I can't wait to have this lump out of my body. To feel like the cancer isn't in there still growing. I've lived with this cancer for over 5 months now and every day this lump just reminds me that there's a possibility the cancer is spreading to other parts of my body. I just want it gone. I'm just anxious about the whole ordeal. Being sedated...complications, recovery etc. I try to tell myself that everything will be great and I'll bounce back. I tell myself that I won't miss my boobs - that I'll be OK with my new body. That I'll still feel attractive and sexy.

They don't advertise that one side effect of chemo is a loss of sex drive, but it's a real one. I try to be upfront about my chemo experience and no one ever talks about sex. My Drs or nurses, my naturopath...no one told me what to expect between the sheets. It's bullshit. I don't know about most people but we like to keep things alive in the bedroom, it's not something we forget about for too long.

During chemo, sex was a no go for at least a week after infusions and the week following that was often one where I was too sore, or sick to muster up much of a drive for anything.

Even now two weeks after chemo is done, sexy time is a challenge. Without getting into too much detail - because Jason doesn't like to kiss and tell... it's just not the same for me. In my head I still am as attracted to Jason as I always was, but when it comes to the actual deed...things are dry and borderline painful at times. It's a real kick in the teeth. We want to enjoy my boobs bouncing around (LOL) before they're gone but the last time we did moments after I felt like I had a bladder infection instantly and during the sensation just wasn't the same. I found myself thinking about things instead of just enjoying the ride, so to speak.

My boobs aren't the objects of attraction and Jason tends to stay away from the right one. It's the elephant in the room and I'm hoping that after my surgery things improve a little. It really sucks because I've always been a more sexually charged person and to have that desire stifled is like a little part of me taken away. We both know we've got a week or so to enjoy what's left of our sex life before my body is a whole other thing.

I try to wrap my head around what it's going to be like during sexy time without the boobs. I guess we'll have to work it out. He says he really doesn't care at all....that he's just happy I'll be around. He assures me we'll be just fine and he fluffs the tiny puffs of hair on my head and says he loves me. That's usually the end of the conversation, but I think about it for usually an hour or so afterwards. I worry I just won't find myself attractive and it'll kill my mood if it ever comes.

No one prepared me for that aspect of cancer, it's just another savage side effect of living with cancer, but one we'll manage. Like all the others. It's forcing me to see myself and my sex life as running so much deeper than appearances, looks and the superficial.

Difficult situations often require us to take a different approach and look at things in a new way. Having cancer is forcing me to redefine myself in so many ways. It's a struggle to survive on multiple levels.

Everyday I continue to try to look past what I'm losing and appreciate what I still have, I'll rebuild my confidence from a place that's deeper than before and I'll hold my head high. Sometimes the most attractive people aren't the ones with the long hair and perfect eyebrows, the bouncing boobs and flat stomachs.

We are all so much more than how we look. It took cancer to really hammer that home for me but it's so true.

Sometimes the most attractive people are the ones with a good story to tell, the ones with determination and stamina. The fighters who just won't quit.