#5: Tuesday Bluesday and Misophonia Overload

I 100% did not want to get out of bed this morning. I don't like making breakfast or lunches for the kids on school days even on the days I feel awesome because Madeleine isn't a breakfast person and even though I know it's ok to not eat breakfast I just feel she should start her day with a green shake like her sister. I am fasting now 16/8 so I don't eat until 12 or so anyway and it's just a bunch of vegetables hammered through a juicer and some fish oil.

Whatever, anyway...I got up anyway and dragged myself through making the lunches and then somehow made it to spin class. I didn't give it my all, but I finished the class. I don't physically feel weak. I just feel unmotivated and depressed today. I'm already tired of having cancer. It's a real drag. It follows you around everywhere. Try and go even a few hours without seeing a poster, or hearing something or watching a show with someone with cancer in it, or hearing someone else has cancer. It's ridiculous. It's everywhere and I really don't care for it.

When we moved to Hamilton I remember looking at the Juravinski Cancer Hospital and thinking, "Holy Shit. That's a big hospital...surely it's not all for cancer" Oh but it is. And it's busy, every time I go.

Today my adventures at Juravinski too me to Clinic C to see the Radiology Oncologist. I didn't even know that was a title. Anyway. Another waiting room, another exam, another explanation of what was going to happen to me. He explained the whole process again, adding some radiation details.

I was having systemic treatment to kill the cancer that may be floating around in my blood. This is chemo. I am having this also to shrink the tumor and cancerous lymph nodes. It is also better to have it first because it reduces the odds of the surgeon not getting all the cancer out. He then explained how they were going to take a big chunk out from my underarm and side, removing all the lymph nodes that filter my body on my right arm, which is my dominant arm. He also talked to me about a possible lumpectomy, but it was unlikely. He said most likely, meaning for sure, I would have a mastectomy, and then a year later the other mastectomy. He said they like to do it like this so that radiation can take place sooner, and with the double mastectomy it takes longer to heal and the complications can be greater.

He said they don't even think about reconstructive surgery for a year after that. Some surgeons do them at the same time as a double mastectomy, not mine. Too many risk factors. Anyway, then he told me all about the wonderful world of radiation. I will have to go every day for 5 weeks. He said they would have to do an initial appointment when I was well enough after surgery where they will put me in the CT machine for a few hours and map out where the treatment would be. I will have little tattoos so each time I go for radiation they know where to aim the death star. Hopefully missing my heart and lungs each time. They are radiating my neck too, because they cant remove those lymph nodes, too many critical vessels and such. He was pretty matter of fact about it, and stopped half way through the lymphedema side effects explanation because he could see I was tuning out.

I was there alone. Jason can't take every day off work to be with me, and I really don't have anyone else to come with me. I ask my mom to watch the kids after school and when Jason has his games and really, I can do it alone. It just sucks. It sucks hearing all that stuff and then just leaving the room and not knowing what it's going to be like.

Again I got into my car alone and cried. I'm getting tired of doing that. I need a new routine.

After that I went to the grocery store and got an organic chicken. Tonight is my last meal before chemo. Studies have been done, while still in their infancy, but regardless, have shown pretty significant decrease in side effects if you fast for 48hours before and during chemo. The next time I eat will be after chemo, and my diet will be mostly alkaline foods, and a heavy duty probiotic. Veggies etc. No more nuts or eggs or even my favorite special sheep cheese that's $14, no grains or acidifying foods of any kind. I have an alkalinizing potato broth I have to drink at 10 and 4 every day with juniper berries and fennel. Doesn't that sound yummy? I have to protect my gut. Chemo destroys it. All the cells lining the entire digestive tract are decimated.

I got my mouth rinse, baking soda and salt every hour and after every time I eat to try to keep the mouth sores under control. Essential oils for my fingernails so they don't fall off.

Sanitizer for the front door and some bleach for disinfecting the house before my immune system is obliterated.

All of this just depressed me. I didn't want to do it. I don't want to. I don't want to have to make my kids sanitize themselves before hugging me, and be worried about germs everyday, I don't want to miss all their activities because I can't go in public spaces. But that's life for now.

Also, I'm super irritable today. Everything anyone does makes me want to scream. Normally I can't handle when people crunch their food but today I can hear every bite anyone in my family took and it ruined my dinner, I didn't say anything but it did. Totally not their fault.

Just as I got into bed Jason brought a big bowl of frozen fruit and proceeded to crunch on all the seeds. He offered to leave the room but he just got home from a game it was bothering me so I decided to leave the room. So now I'm sitting in the living room in the dark to finish this blog.

I wasn't going to write it because I was in such a bad mood today but I promised myself I'd try to write each day. I don't really talk about anything and I can't keep things bottled up inside.

I do have an appointment with a social worker on Thursday at my request, I feel I could be handling things better emotionally and I want some tools with regards to how to talk to the kids and how to make this ok for them too. That should be interesting.

Also, I was put in touch with a Shaman, and I'll spare the details for another blog, but he's contacted the spirits and it appears as if part of my soul has departed and it's time for me to get it back. He's also going to do some housecleaning in the energetic arena, that's next Thursday so look forward to that entry.

Although today was shit, for no particular reason other than it was Tuesday and I spent it alone talking about cancer...I get messages from people throughout the day that encourage me and lighten up my day just a little. I really do appreciate them.

Tomorrow I don't have any Dr's appointments so I don't know what I'll do with myself all day.

Maybe I will just lay in bed.

But not likely.