#52 *Contains Graphic Images*

***Disclaimer: In this blog I am going to post pictures of my mastectomy 24hours later. If you don't like scars, or blood or seeing women without breasts or things of that nature might I suggest one of my earlier blogs where I discuss my diet or my Costco shopping adventures. If not read on.***

I arrived for surgery yesterday at 6am. They suited me up in this purple hospital gown called a bear hugger. It's fitted with a little hose that would attach to something like a central vac but instead of sucking it blows warm air all over your body to warm and relax you before surgery. I also had 2 ativan at this time. I wasn't overly anxious, I felt sort of calm. The day had come and I was tired of feeling that lump in my breast, tired of wondering which lymph nodes had cancer or if it was spreading. I was ready.

They wheeled me down to the OR and I got myself up on the table. They made marker marks on my body and then they strapped my legs and arms down to the table. At this point I felt a little anxious, but likely because I've watched too many movies. They administered oxygen and some sleepy gas and I was gone in under a minute I'd say.

It really is true when they say "it'll be one second later and you'll be awake".

One second later I woke up in recovery and it felt like someone had lit my chest on fire. It was agony. Worse than having babies. I still had the oxygen mask on and I was in a full out panic. I didn't know where I was, I kept calling for Jason but they tried to tell me he wasn't there and I was convinced he was. It was a scary time. The head nurse came around and said she'd call him, and they'd make an exception. He would be allowed to come and see me. To try to talk me off the ledge I imagine. They pumped me full of morphine, gravol, ondansetron and more lorazepam. It took about 15 minutes for me to be able to breathe through the pain.

My throat was sore from the ventilator and I was still pretty confused. They explained to me again what happened and I asked if they got the cancer out and they said "the surgeon seemed satisfied with the surgery....there was nothing on the chest wall and she was able to extract the mass and all of your lymph nodes". They then told me that the extracted material will go to pathology for analysis and I'll hear back about it in a few weeks.

I calmed down and they moved me to another post surgical area with about 20 patients all in curtained off rooms. I had a corner spot and as soon as I arrived Jason was there. I was so grateful and happy to see him and to have his help I cried. It was just such a traumatic day I was happy I didn't have to do it alone.

Throughout the afternoon he helped me walk to the bathroom, lifted my legs into bed, reached my water, scratched my back and took notes when my Drs came around. I was in and out of it. The pain was so bad I had morphine every 4 hours and even that wasn't enough to really do much but take the edge off. He left at around 6 after the nurse taught us how to manage the 3 drains that are now hanging from my body.

These drains have little bulbs at the end of them and they collect all the excess fluid, blood, etc. that would normally just build up inside the chest. We learned how to "milk the drains" how to empty the bulb and record the amount. My incisions were sutured, and then covered in steri-strips and then covered with a thicker bandage and then wrapped with a very tight compression wrap.

After Jason left I spent the rest of the night sipping water and trying to stay ahead of the pain with regular morphine. I was in and out of sleep, none of it quality, but nurses were super friendly and helpful which made all the difference.

Jason told me when he got home two of his friends had dropped off a nice begonia for me and some pictures their kids drew and some wings and fries for Jason. I was so happy to hear that after his long day he didn't have to go home alone and cook. It's going to be a real challenge around here over the next few weeks dinner wise and this was just such a nice surprise for him.

Anyway, he came back to get me at 6:30am and I hobbled into the car and we came home.

Here is how it looked after about 20 hours. You can see the compression bandage and drains but not much else.

You can see the 3 drains hanging there with blood collecting in them. These drains run under my skin at the incision sites and will stay in for a minimum of a week, probably longer. I will have to empty them regularly.

Then we waited for the homecare nurse to arrive and she was to remove the outer two dressings to expose the steristrips and incisions to the air, and check where the drains entered the body to make sure there was no inflammation or infection starting.

Here is the first picture of me after the dressing came off... I am swollen and the discolouration on my skin is the dye they use to prep. Either way, it was tough to look at.

You can see where the one drain goes in on the left and the two under my right armpit where they took the lymph nodes. This was tough for me to see. My body is swollen, my arms are heavy and that's about as high as I can lift them.

Here's a front shot, I'm swollen and bruised and a little concave. It is what it is. This is what it looks like. I haven't passed any judgment on myself. I am just seeing it for the first time. Those drains below will hang around for a while and are a bit of a pain. Jason got me a home depot apron to keep them in.

Here are two pictures of me from the side.

That big lump in the middle is some swelling but also my sternum. It will likely poke out like that somewhat when the swelling goes down.

Here is the other side, you can see the hallowed out armpit from where they took 20 lymph nodes, the puckered skin under the bandage and the two drains as well as swelling in my abdomen.

It's crazy but I can still feel my breasts as if they are there...it's like phantom limb. It's strange to reach down and feel nothing now.

So there it is. Day one. I post these because people wonder and there's now nothing to wonder about. The nurses told me at least 3 women have mastectomies in that hospital every day. That's a lot of chests that look like that.

I know that in 2019 approximately 26,900 women in Canada were diagnosed with breast cancer and 5,000 will die. 1 in 8 women will develop breast cancer in her life and 1 in 33 will die of it.

Those are scary statistics, but the journey and the steps along the way don't all have to be, I hope that with these posts, to take a little bit of the mystery out of what it looks like, along the way and what it feels like to be someone who has to go through it.

Today was a hard day, seeing my new body, but when I got home and looked in the mirror I still saw myself. Sure a few parts missing but courage gained and now on the road to recovery and celebrating my new body and honoring how it is fighting to stay alive and reinvent itself with each challenged conquered.

I plan to post progressive pictures of my recovery to encourage awareness about mastectomies and all things breast cancer related. I think that sharing the rough edges and tough days tends to dull them down a little and give others who may be having bad days hope. It's really not that bad. Sure it hurts, but I have some good drugs. Sure it's not pretty right now but they got a big lump out and my surgeon was optimistic.

I came home and sat out on my deck in the sunshine. Closed my eyes and counted another battle won. I will work hard to recover and carry on. For me the beauty in this life isn't one of perfect bodies or nice haircuts, bluging biceps or wrinkle free foreheads.

Over the past few days the beauty I saw in this world were all the people who helped me, who saved me, who lifted me up and supported me in my battle against cancer. How I look now tells a story, and I want to share it because I'm proud of myself and for what I've been through.

There ain't no push-up bra that can tell that story.