#53 In Stitches

I've been home from the hospital for 4 days. Day 1 home the homecare nurse came at 10am and cleaned the drains where they come out of my chest and just told me much of what the nurses told me in the hospital which was a good thing because I don't remember much of my hospital stay.

The pain is still there. I am managing it with percocet and sometimes morphine. I try not to take them all the time because they are so constipating and after all the drugs I took at the hospital that's the last thing I need.

I have exercises that I have to do regularly, move my arms up to my side, move them straight in front of me, rotate my arms out, move my neck from side to side. This is to prevent frozen shoulder and keep me mobile. The nurse says there's a fine line between doing too much and not doing them enough. I'm straddling that line.

I try not to look in the mirror too much, it's hard to see. My eyelashes and eyebrows have all come out again, I read it's normal but it's just tough. I think the shock of the surgery was too much and they just fell out. I wear pajamas and I have a home depot tool belt that carries my drains around in. It's a "look" that's for sure.

Some of the steristips have come off the main incisions and you can see the progression of healing in just 4 days.

The puckering will flatten over time I can't uncover the other half of the incisions that runs under my arms, its still too painful. But this is what it looks like day 5. It's so tight, it feels like someone is sitting on my chest and the skin is pulled tight and numb. It's such an odd feeling.

The sides are so painful, where the drains come out is very tender. The fluid that would normally collect under and around the incision is pulled out by these drains and they drain into these little bulbs.

I have to "milk" the drain, the tube that comes from me to the bulb a few times a day because clumps and gross bits get stuck in there. The drain tube is about the length of my torso and they come out at the sides like this:

You can see here where they're stitched in, the drains run inside about half the length that's outside. In this pic I have the drains clipped to a lanyard because I am about to go in the shower. I am allowed to shower but just in and out to clean the bits and bending over isn't fun so it's not a relaxing shower time. After I have to just pat this business dry.

When the nurse came day 2 he showed Jason how to clean the tops of the drains and put a dressing around where they come out to protect them.

You can see in this pic how swollen my abdomen still is and how my chest kind of bulges out in the middle. I don't know if this is permanent or not. It's hard to know what I'm going to look like. But here it is day 5.

I went for a walk today with Jason, I make it about 5,000 steps and then I'm pretty tired and need to come home and sit down. I try to remind myself that my body is working hard to repair itself and I shouldn't expect too much but it's hard to not be able to do anything for myself.

It's hard to put my shoes on, to reach things, to carry a plate, to get dressed. Jason has to help me with everything. Today I wanted to sit in the bath instead of the fiasco of the shower so I filled it up half way to keep the incision dry and kneeled into the tub and then realized I had no way to get my legs out from under me without using my hands so I was stuck there. I had to call Jason and by the time he came I was in tears because I was so frustrated and upset.

I have these moments throughout the day where I'm grateful that they got that tumour out and hopefully the cancer. Then I have moments when I feel so sorry for myself and look at my body and face and just get so depressed. The meds don't help with the mood so I try to talk myself off the ledge and remind myself that these things take time to heal and I'm on a journey here and it's not one that begins and ends in a day.

I have to continually pick myself back up and carry on, it feels like even more so after this surgery than chemo. One thing that I find difficult mentally is not knowing if the cancer is still there or if it's gone. I try to tell myself that it's gone. And that soon I'll start radiation and I'll be 3/4 done this journey with breast cancer but the truth is it's never going to end. It's always going to be there. I will always wonder.

Jason reassures me that after I heal, I'll be able to ride my bike again and I'll have good days with no pain and I'll feel more normal and I'll be able to work again. My hair will grow back and I'll be able to hug my kids again and sleep on my side. I'll be able to bend down and work in my garden. I will heal from this all.

I won't ever be the same. Inside or out, but I'm improving as I battle these long days. I'm building character and I'm focusing on today, on the things I can do and the moments that I have. They are precious ones.

I'm practicing every morning when I open my eyes to say "thank you" that I'm lucky enough to have another day. I take my supplements and do my exercises and drink my water and try to eat well. When I have dark moments I let them come and then go, knowing better ones are coming.

I try to give a realistic picture of what it's like to have breast cancer and a double mastectomy, to have your lymph nodes removed....it's hard. Today I felt sore and sad and a bit helpless but these days pass.

Tomorrow I'll improve a little and I'll be able to do more for myself and I'm lucky to have Jason who is so supportive and never fails to be there when I need him. And tonight I will just accept that it is what it is and watch a little TV and try to be gentle with myself.

Healing is hard work. You have to let go of a lot that made you unwell to begin with and rebuild a better you. Letting go of expecting too much of myself, of looking at my body like it's not good enough, of overthinking and over judging.

Healing is forgiving yourself for being too anxious or aggressive or too quick. Healing is learning to slow down and appreciate the time it takes to build something again.

So tonight I'll sit on my porch and look at little while at the tree on my lawn. It's leaves weren't there 5 days ago and all of a sudden they're out and so beautiful. I bet it didn't worry that they would come, it just stood firm on the earth and let the days pass with patience and persistence and became itself again.