#57 Choices

The thing with cancer is, you can't get too comfortable. I had the surgery and I was hopeful for good results. After the surgery for the week I was home recovering I felt calm and hopeful. I was sure that the worst was over and we'd just continue to try to catch the microscopic cancer cells that might have been left.

I didn't anticipate being told there was so much cancer and they got what they saw, but there could be more and my cancer journey is far from over.

I had my cry, I had my day to feel helpless and scared and sorry for myself and anxious and lost and alone. But I can't have too many days like that. I had to keep moving forward.

I immediately started aggressive hormone therapy that will suprress my ovaries from producing estrogen (the shot I take once a month will essentially turn off my ovaries and put me into menopause rapidly) and an aromitase inhibitor which will stop the enzyme aromatase from turining the hormone androgen into estrogen. These medications are costly and the side effects are pretty awful. Some women have to stop becuase their quality of life is just so awful. I plan to exercise, eat well and sleep and tolerate whatever I can to minimize cancer in my body.

I start radiation in a few weeks. I have to go for an inital appointment and then a CT markup scan where they put little tattoos on you so each rads session they know where to position you under the lazer. Radiation aims to destroy the cells left behind after surgery that might be cancerous.

I will also be receiving twice weekly Vitamin C infusions now, added to the Vitamin C will be artemisinin, I'll also be adding hyperthermia enhance my radiation treatments. I'm back to eating very minimal meat, no dairy, little bits of butter, good oils and no grains. Mostly fresh vegetables, no treats.

I have to do all these things, plus walk daily and keep my attitude focused on positivity.

It's not easy, after a day like yesterday. When you hope for something and it doesn't happen and you have to then try to fight other ways, you have to rebuild your hope again. You have to literally drag yourself out of bed, out into the sunshine and on with life.

So I did today. I got up, I cried a little but then I realized that lots of women survive Stage3 and Stage4 cancer for years. I know some don't but I am more interested in thinking about the ones who do, and doing what I can to be one of those people.

All day long I fought back tears but all day long I reminded myself that I still have a life, I still have radiation and hormone treatments, I still time here with my family and kids and I still have today. I've got some options still.

I could focus all day and night on cancer, I could worry about it being there, or spreading, or think about what ifs....but that's not helpful. I'm going to take some deep breaths, calm my mind and remind myself that this is my life, this is the path for me and I have to walk it.

Some people spend their entire lives wishing things were different, depressed, wanting more or wanting out of their present situation. Some people live their whole lives resentful about a past event, traumatized about something, unable to forgive or afraid of dying or afraid of everything. Those people could live to be 80 and never really have lived.

I'm grateful that I have the chance to take a look at each day and make it one that is worth living, one that I'm grateful for and one that I don't waste. I don't know how many days I have, but does anyone really?

When we wake tomorrow we have that one day.

Just because I hear phrases now like "5 year survival rate" and "rate of recurance" and "factors that decrease overall survival" doesn't mean that I have really any idea how long I'll be alive.

Sometimes the hardest part of life is renewing hope and believing in good coming your way when the statistics don't seem uplifting.

Today I had to remind myself over and over again that I can do this. I need to take some deep breaths, look up at the sky and feel peace. I need to be gentle with myself and I need to let that hope rise up again. It doesn't happen overnight. I have to work hard to rebuild that hope and strength. Tell myself that I'm still here, I'm still fighting.

I have to work hard in those moments of darkness and remind myself I have a choice. I can fear the statistics and mourn my life while I'm alive or I can hope again, for positive change and celebrate what life I have now.

I can go to bed hopeful and grateful for another wonderful day on earth. The days aren't always easy, some are downright sad but if we're lucky enough to have another day follow it...we have one more day.

Cancer is continuing to teach me that on any day, anything is possible and each day is special because no day is promised. Some days we get bad news, heartbreaking news but how we move past those days to find hope again is what will make the difference.

One day all our days will end. How will I have spent mine? In fear and dispair or happiness and hope.

I think it's probably best to chose hope because at the end I'd rather be disappointed a hundred times than to never have felt hopeful and happy.

I'll take these real moments of my life and make something beautiful out of them.

One breath at a time....one day at a time.