#59 Zapped

I haven't felt like writing lately, obviously. My mind has been a mess.

Over the past week I spent time with my sister and family, with some of my friends and on the Bay, which was lovely. It was wonderful for me but also bittersweet because it made me appreciate just how wonderful life is, and by no means am I ready to have mine cut short.

When I was home visiting I would have moments of pure terror imagining my children's lives without me, what would happen to them? Would they make it back to the Soo? Would their Dads take them? I need to make a will...regardless. I just can't leave it all up in the air.

One night Ari cried and asked me "what happens when people die?" It was awful....I tried to answer it for her, she wanted to know about angels, ghosts and what happens....she said "do people just stop like when before they were born?" She asked me if I was going to die, if the cancer was gone. I had to tell her we don't know. I'm fighting it with everything I know of and the next step is radiation and that will help too. She cried and said "if you die...who will be my mom". It was absolutely awful. I had to imagine her alone without me, and it's not like I've been told I have months to live but I've been googling statistics like a crazy person and my odds aren't awesome. I feel relieved when I see people that have Stage 3c cancer like mine that say they've been alive for 5 years without a reccurrance, but it's rare. I try not to think long term. Like 20 years....and for me that will only be until 62. I try to focus on my day that I have...but it's tough. Lately.

No one really knows how long cancer patients can live, what happens and what treatments will work. I'm trying everything but stress is a big contributor to long term survivorship. Right now I'm having a hard time keeping my mind on the present and not spiraling down the rabbit hole of what ifs. I started taking Lexapro on Monday. It's an anti-depressant. I've never been on anything of the sort before but my doctor, my integrative naturopath and a few friends think it's probably a good idea.

I have spent the last week while visiting, consulting with various practitioners and getting their take on the best course of treatment for me. I have consulted with very non-invasive herbalists....who recommended skipping radiation and just trying to heal my body with herbs and meditation and diet and lifestyle changes. It sounded appealing...until my integrative naturopath said it would be a very bad idea to skip radiation based on my stage and aggressiveness of my cancer. Yes there are side effects but we need to extend my life now. We will deal with down the road when we get there.

When I was in the Soo I also saw the naturopath Tracey Folkart. She's the only one in the Soo who administers Vitamin C IVs, she had some suggestions for me too. Wasn't too keen on me going the anti-depressant route, and suggested some homeopathics and had some other good suggestions.

So I've got herbal tinctures, diet and lifestyle suggestions from the herbalists. I've got IV and hyperthermia (kind of like radiation - it delivers heat to the area without killing healthy cells), mistletoe and artesunate (an anti-malarial used in cancer treatments) and instructions to meditate, stay off google and do yoga from the integrative clinic. I've got radiation and hormone therapy from the cancer centre. I have an SSRI from the psychiatrist. Sometimes it's hard to keep it all straight. I also have a short list of supplements I take daily...the list is reduced when I'm having radiation to exclude any anti-oxidants which might work to protect the cancer cells in the same way that they protect healthy cells. I'm trying my best to adhere to all of the protocols. There are times my day feel like one big battle against cancer with little room for anything else.

I'm also practicing intermittent fasting, not eating for 14hours. When I do eat, it's green juice with superfood and wheatgrass, an avocado, maybe some veggies and MCT oil. For dinner it's always a big salad with some hemp hearts, avocado, oils, peppers and the odd night some fish. I end my day with some fresh berries and raw soaked and dehydrated pecans and a glass of tea. That's my day. I eat right now as therapy. I force it in some days. Staying in ketosis is key.

All the food and supplement time eats away at my time but I also want to spend quality time with my kids, I feel somehow like it's so much more important now, and it's a pressure that can't be described. I want to hug and kiss them forever and never let them go, but they just want to have fun and who can blame them. I try to sit and watch them play, chat with them and try to do things with them. Today we went for a little bike ride. I just want them to know I want to be around them, and to remember things I did with them.

The daily tasks, the groceries, food prep and laundry seem to annoy me more than before. I'm not really sure why....I just feel like it's a waste of time.

I try everyday to tell myself that people live years and years after being diagnosed with advanced cancer, and I MUST be one of those people....but sometimes I get scared and I fear for the future. This past Monday I had a bone scan because of some pain I'd been having in my ribs.

The bone scan would be to detect if my locally advanced cancer had spread to bones, if this was the case I would then be dealing with metastatic cancer, which is terminal. Such a terrible name. In the facebook groups I'm a member of, there are lots of people with stage 4 cancer that live many years. Anyway, I layed in that machine and just pondered my life....what ifs.. It's hard not to when you're in the machine. They call it "scanxiety". I couldn't help but cry. It's so scary. All I think about are my babies.

I spent the rest of the day worried sick that I would get a call saying it had spread and then we'd be facing metastatic cancer. The call came, and she said "good news" it looks like the bones are clear of cancer. It was such a relief. I just sat there and said thank you...to who I'm not even sure but I have to believe there's a larger intelligence at work and when I get overwhelmed I just surrender to the idea that there's a bigger plan and it'll all be OK.

The days lately have been tough, it's my mental game that needs work and that's so hard when the hormone treatments make me so sensitive and emotional, but I have moments in the day when I feel some peace and I smile and look at my kids and think I'll be around for them.

I just need to keep focusing on today, and maybe what I'll do tomorrow. Following instructions and trying to enjoy the little things.

I said to Ari tonight...really no one knows how long anyone has to live. It's scary when cancer enters the picture but it's the truth...we don't know. That's not to say that we should worry we all could die at any moment, but it's just the way the world is...we never know and even when we've been given odds, or told how long we have...even then....no one really knows. People defy the odds all the time and people die unexpectedly everyday. Life is sacred.

I think back to some days before I had cancer and wondered if I was really living them, or just wandering through them, often with one too many martinis. I wasn't making my mental health a priority and while I was always trying to be a good mom, I wasn't thinking about what life might be like for my kids without me. Creating memories and making sure they know just how much I love them everyday. Letting the little things go and trying to hold it all together.

It's been really tough, but I got some good news this week. I know there will be many more scans and tests and I'm going to be battling this but at the end of the day I can either decide to quit and give in to the negative thoughts or I can tell myself that I'm going to live many years, I'll be around for my kids and I'll beat cancer.

I started radiation on Monday too...it's quite the experience. Laying there on that slab as a giant machine moves around you invisibly zapping your chest. I have to hold my breath in intervals so that my inflated lungs move my heart out of the way of the beam. It's nerve wracking, but I visualize the beam as something that's zapping any cancer cells left, helping me. It's scary but it's to extend my life. I'm grateful for the technology, despite the side effects.

I am making my body a place cancer doesn't want to be. I am working slowly each day, reinventing myself. Sure, it's not the life I imagined for myself, but it's the one I've got. And for my kids and for myself, I need to get my head right and enjoy every day I'm blessed to have.

Statistics are just that...they aren't guarantees and there are always outliers. Why can't I be the one who defies the odds?

When I lean over and tuck my babies in at night and I want to drop to my knees and cry and feel my heart want to tear out of my chest... I just repeat one thing over and over in my head. "I'm going to live a long happy life". I keep saying it, over and over. "I'm going to be around for them. I'm here today".

When I wake up in the middle of the night sweating I say to myself "It's going to be OK, I am killing cancer, I give the fear to a higher power". It helps me go back to sleep.

The more I say it, with every day that passes. The more true it is.