I have neglected the blog. I know this. A few people have reached out to me to see if I'm OK. I guess I never realized how many people read this. I write it to be read of course, but when I'm writing it, I don't feel like anyone is listening. It's just me.
This has been the theme of most of the past little while. Just me. Not to say that I don't have Jason and my Mom. The girls are with their Dads and it's so quiet here. Jason is overwhelmed with work and working all day long. My mom comes to sit with me, but sometimes we run out of things to talk about. Still it's nice to have her here for company.
I started radiation on June 22. Since then I go everyday M-F at around 10:00am. I try to stick to a routine. I get up. I take my meds - yes I'm taking anti-depressants now. The anxiety was just a little too much for me to handle and so my naturopath and my dr suggested maybe a little bridge would be acceptable and we'll see how I do.
I was waking up every morning feeling like I was going to die. That's no way to live. It took all my energy to believe I was going to beat cancer. And I still do, but after that pathology report it got a little harder to be positive.
I'm still working on it. I'm doing everything I can. I think to the future and visualize me watching my children grow older, me being healthy and strong. I visualize the cancer gone.
That's the thing with the whole procedure I had. They took the tumor out. They got clear margins, and they removed my lymph nodes from my underarm where the cancer had visibly spread.I asked them if they got it all and the answer was "we don't know". All they have are the results of the pathology to determine how likely it will be to either not be all gone or come back. My pathology report was not good. Pretty much one of the worst you could get with the exception of hearing it had spread to muscle or clear margins weren't achieved. BUT it wasn't the worst and they didn't say...you're going to die. So that's a plus. Just that my odds aren't awesome, but odds aren't guarantees.
I tell myself that someone has to beat the odds, that I'm young and strong and I'm not only doing standard treatments but I'm doing alternative treatments too. As I was saying, I wake up every morning, take my citrus pectin and exemestane and ciprolex, then I go back to bed for 30 minutes. I usually spend this time foolishly researching cancer and cures and theories. This isn't a great way to start my day and I'm considering modifying it. Anyway, then I get up and I take my Vitamin D, my immune booster, silymarin, rhodiola, noni juice, essiac formula and I drink a glass of water. I then prepare to either go for a 45 min bike ride or walk before I head to radiation.
I try to get my heart rate up and sweat, which lately has been easy. I have to wear a shirt that covers my shoulders and chest because of the radiated area. I then head to radiation and lay on the bed while I get zapped for 15 minutes. I try to imagine the beam zapping all the cancer cells, and protecting me from death. I don't think about the side effects, the risk of thyroid cancer, lung problems and heart issues. I have to accept this is the thing that is giving me the greatest chance at living right now. And go with it.
I'm all alone in the room. Just me and the machine, and these thoughts. It makes for a kind of rough start to the day. I think I am going to start using the time to visualize positive things. I finished my 13th radiation treatment today and my skin is holding up really well. I apply creams and am diligent to keep it out of the sun. Some people say they get really tired from radiation but I'm not noticing too much until around 8pm, and then I have my tea and go to bed.
I've recently sought out the counsel of a well known herbalist and have embarked on a ketogenic diet for cancer treatment. This isn't your average ketogenic diet. This one includes low levels of protein, minimal meat and high fat. 80% of my diet is fat. MCT oil, coconut oil, avocado, nuts and leafy greens basically. I will have a little bit of chicken breast or some wild fish 2-3 times a week but that's it. I'm calorie restricting, and fasting until 2. It's hardcore. I'm doing it all to beat cancer. I want to be around for my kids. All day long I'm focused on battling this. It's overwhelming at times. I guess that's why I haven't written in the blog. It's just more talk about cancer, but it doesn't have to be. It can be talk about life.
During the past few weeks I have taken occasion to appreciate the beauty in the everyday, to make more of a point of reminding myself that when my thoughts are in the future, I am robbing myself of today. Fearing the future is useless. If I am doing all I can now, why don't I just enjoy the day. I have only one life. And only today to live. All the worrying won't change what is eventually to be. It just ruins today. I know this. But putting it into action is more difficult than one would think.
All my life I've been worried about something, anxious about one thing or another, which is likely why I drank more than I should've...most people who drink too much are just self medicating to deal with anxiety or fear or shame. It's a human thing. We all want to feel like everything is going to be OK. We like assurances and we don't like uncertainty.
I live with a lot of uncertainty right now and for someone like me, it's a challenge, but it's my life's challenge and how I approach it determines the quality of the rest of my life, be it long or short. No one knows.
It's a big change to try to rewire your brain especially after a cancer diagnosis, but I'm trying. I'm trying to think positively. My odds aren't awesome but I'm still here fighting. Who is to say what I can't overcome. The power of nutrition and supplementation, of alternative treatments combined with modern medicine can be a winning combination.
I have started, everyday writing to my children, each has a book and I write 2-3 pages a day, just my thoughts and reassurances for them about life when I am gone. I visualize stacks of books written to them because I will live for many years, but the daily act of writing to them makes me feel a little bit better. There will be no replacing me, and I don't want that to be a concern for them for many years,but again...no one knows the master plan.
So I continue to go to radiation everyday. I drive to toronto twice a week for hyperthermia, which superheats the cells undergoing radiation to make them more sensitive. I meet with my psychologist and carry on. After radiation I will have a test called a CTC which gets sent to the states because they don't offer it in Canada. It tells me if I have any circulating tumor cells. This is a prognosis for the future. I am scared but I am hopeful it will show I am defeating cancer. We will know at the end of august. I've had so many tests come back so disappointingly that it's hard to hope but I do hope. I know it will be OK.
There are moments in the day when I feel like either way, everything will be OK. This is my life, it's tough right now, but it's still beautiful in many ways. I appreciate my children and Jason and my family so much more. I am thankful for feeling good and not experiencing so many side effects many women suffer from. I am grateful to my body that keeps fighting, keeps going and for the access that I have to the treatments. None of that would be possible without the generosity of so many people. It truly wouldn't be.
Sure I'm being scorched on the daily, but it's helping. Sure I had a scary cancer diagnosis but I'm still cycling and living my life. Sure life isn't as carefree as it was but now I notice so many more beautiful things. Sure...my diet is limited but I have access to quality food and the knowledge to help myself.
Life isn't perfect but it's all we've got. For me studies and statistics are one thing but I've been spending too much time on the internet trying to discover my fate, looking for loopholes in my diagnosis, for survival stories.
Maybe it's time I get off PubMed and get into my life and make my own statistic.
Everyday is a gift, we are all blessed to be given a lifetime to live. No one knows how long that will be, but it's up to us to make it worthwhile.
Sending you positive healing vibes and prayers xo