Today is my birthday. I woke up and went for a bike ride.
Every day since I've been old enough to know it was my birthday, I've known birthdays are special days. I've felt like each year when I woke up on my birthday that the day should feel different because it was my birthday.
Today was the first day that it did not.
Today I went for my bike ride and I felt just as grateful and as lucky as every other day lately that I've woken up. Sure, I looked forward to idea of not having to worry about making dinner and being able to request a fizzy water upon command but truly, when I was riding down the path all I could think was how lucky I am to be alive.
Today I have so much to be grateful for.
My sister and my brother in law came here and have been here for a few weeks, putting their lives on hold to be here. To help and to be here.
My sister has been my biggest supporter, and a reason why I continue to fight to live. I can't imagine her life without me so I don't. She helps me with my girls, gives them advice, is wonderful with Ari and helps me with my attitude and with my life. I am so grateful for her.
My brother in law, he's an inspiration to anyone who knows him. He encourages me to keep up with my healthy lifestyle and is super helfpful in every way. Ultra marathoner, superfit, superdad. He's kind and gentle with my girls and basically the husband Jason has always dreamed of. They're best of friends.
My Mom. I could write essays about what she's done for me but in a paragraph, shes just been there for me every step of the way. Not really showing the burden of what it's like to have a child with cancer, but strong for me and my girls. Always available when I need her. Irreplaceable.
My Dad. He's gone through cancer himself this past year but it hasn't stopped him from being supportive and loving and positive towards me. He hasn't been here physically but I know when we talk, and that he reads these blogs, he's with me and when we talk I know, I'm lucky to have a father who would do anything for me, for my kids.
To my children. The gratitude I have for them is bottomless. They simply are the greatest motivators and biggest blessings in my life. Nothing less.
For Jason. He's rearranged his whole life. A life he never expected and I'm sure wouldn't have wanted, but he's been there with me every day, holding my hand even when I slap it away because I'm angry and confused and scared - and he offers his hand back to me. He never fails to help me, to tell me he loves me and that I'm beautiful and to be there for me and my girls. His life hasn't been easy. He's managed a lot. I'm lucky to have him and he's still the most handsome man I've ever met.
For my friends.
I have one friend who comes over regularly. Our friendship means the world to me, some days keeps me sane, some days just someone to sit with.
I have so many friends who I know would come over if they lived closer or if it wasn't covid... to all of you who message me and comment -- It matters. I don't always answer, some days I'm just flat out tired. Some days I don't want to talk about cancer or tell you I'm OK if I'm not, but all your messages mean so much to me and I do my best to respond to them all. I am so lucky to have so many people who pray for me. Who send me cards and messages and think about me daily. I am so grateful for all the love.
To the Go Fund Me - some people I don't even know. I can't express my gratitude for this, I'm just a person and we all have problems, mine is just one of many in the world. The fact that people would help with mine means so much. I have been able to access treatments that I normally wouldn't have. These treatments could really be the difference between me beating cancer and not. Gratitude is almost not a strong enough word. How do you thank someone for saving your life?
So today is my birthday and the title of this blog was "Paying Homage".
My therapist told me the other day that with all my worrying about death I pay homage to death, I pay homage to evil and fear with my thoughts.
So...today....I pay homage to all of you, to life, and I'm so grateful for all of it.
It's been a happy birthday and it will be a happy life. It's what I'm choosing.
Everyday. I pay homage to life.
When I wake up tomorrow I won't feel any less special that it isn't my birthday. I'll just be a little more grateful for you all and for the world I get to live in.
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