Breast cancer is a strange and beautiful entity. It's odd I'd describe it this way when it threatens to and has taken so much from me, but... it really is. There are so many variations, so many mutations, kinds, expressions and ultimately ends one way or the other, something dies...you or the cancer.
I can't think of any cancer that has so much intricacy, so much specificity and so many expressions as does breast cancer. It's because it's mainly female. We are all those things. Intricate, specific, particular, interesting and have so much expression individually. All the things we do matter. Not to say men don't and aren't all those things, but women, are more complicated. So is breast cancer. It's so finicky and particular. So many things matter when battling it breast cancer.
It's not just about what you eat, or do, or take it's also about what you think. What you think about yourself, how you approach stress and how you internalize or manage your life as a woman.
I have spent a great deal of my life as a woman trying to prove myself. First when I was a woman in the oil and gas industry in BC and Alberta and then when I was a stay at home Mom for 8 years I was always trying to be better and smarter and strong or have everything under control and make sure I was doing it best or putting on a good dinner party or my kids looked the neatest or I was the skinniest at yoga class or my flowers in my yard looked pretty or my kids played piano. All that shit.
Wow. I look at the past 8 months and I reflect on cancer and what it took from me, but I also take a look at what it gave me. Those things, they don't matter anymore. I still care about my flowers, I still love yoga class, I care if my kids are clean and happy. I no longer feel like it's just my job to make it all happen. I have an amazing partner, for whom I am always grateful for. He has helped with probably more than 50% or the domestic things when I get tired of doing them and when I was sick. However, now...if he wasn't around, I'd still recognize it doesn't all have to be me and it doesn't all have to be done.
Leave the dishes. Make yourself some tea, or a glass of red wine, or smoke a joint, or meditate, or have some water.....and realize, it's not all on you.
Women take way too much on, mentally planning, practically planning, doing and going. It's why so many women are burning out. Why so many are getting auto immune disorders and gettting cancer.
This isn't a man bashing post in ANY way. I know so many women who have husbands and partners who love and support them, but I'm talking to the women....you know who you are.
Sometimes it feels like you just HAVE to do it. The lunches, the laundry, the meal planning the stuff. The birthday party planning, the little things. Those things all cause stress.
In the beginning I said that cancer was strange and beautiful. I don't think actually cancer is beautiful, it's awful. The transformation that happens to a person once they've had cancer is that it takes away your ability to do all those little things that had added up to a huge responsibility in the household or in your life.
If you survive, which I've been lucky enough to, you realize that it's not YOU that has to do all those things and they don't all need to be done. And THAT is the beautiful part. You live long enough to see what really matters.
The pressure I felt to be good, better or perfect was sometimes so strong that I look back and now know it was what contributed to the stress that made me sick. Tonight Jason made the kids nachos and they watched a movie, I sat and had a nice dinner with a friend at the table and I saw the dishes piling up but it didn't bother me and I didn't plan on doing them either. The kids were fine, I didn't feel the need to be right or perfect or finish everything.
I sat there at the table and ate my dinner until I was done, and then I made myself a cup of tea and relaxed.
Jason took Madeleine to bed....
The fact that I am feeling better now and then doesn't mean I'm going to go back to feeling like I have to do everything until I'm tired...when I'm tired I know now I've gone too far.
My stress matters, I will ask for help if I need it. I will recognize when I'm doing too much and I'll keep my stress in check. This is the beauty of surviving cancer...even for me...for 4 months.
Women take on far too much, emotionally, mentally, practically, physically and professionally. There's so much stress. I didn't see it before but I see it now.
This is a blog telling you, and you know who you are...it doesn't have to be all you. Even if there's no one else to ask. It can be left undone, or half done or changed. Stress causes cancer.
The lunches, the homework, the outfits, the rules, the meals, the laundry, the work, the everything....don't let it pile up. Don't take too much on internally, don't let the stress build.
Remember, Halloween and Christmas are coming.
I'm not grateful I had cancer...that I battle the risk of recurrance everyday; however, I'm grateful for the way it changed how I see my life and how I manage it.
I have been given a chance to change the way I do things before it kills me.
Perhaps I can kill the thinking that fueled the stress that fed the cancer.
That's the beautiful part of it all, something has to die but it doesn't have to be me.
Sara you blogs are inspiring. Take care of yourself and sending hugs and love to you and your family.