It's windy today. It blows all the remaining leaves off the trees. I look out my window at the honey locust tree in my neighbours yard. It's bare. The squirrels loved that tree. They used to drop the nuts on the behind neighbours tin roof and it would cause the neighbour to walk all the way around the block and complain to my neighbour about it. Such silly complaints.
I sit here listening to the Talking Heads. Pretty sure one of my favourite bands ever. All the songs just hit me in the heart. All for different reasons. Like being stabbed. Have you ever heard a song that stabs you? Reminds you of the past, of hope, of your future, of times you've had. The Talking Heads covers it all for me.
Back to the tree. It's bare now. Down to it's branches. It's super windy here today and I can see the branches swaying much more than I ever could in the summer. I try to remind myself that this tree has been alive a lot longer than I have. November is just a time to turn inward. To redirect resources. To send roots down. To withstand the winds and hold steady.
As the Talking Heads sing "Same as it ever was..." and it's true. We have to turn inward now. This year a little differently. Covid the great disruptor.
For the next 3 weeks I'm like that tree. I need to hold tight. We're in for nasty weather. Another classic Talking Heads line. 365degrees. I haven't gotten back my pathology report. I continue to drink the green things. To eat the supplements, to go for IVs to go for colonics, to take the supplements, to inject mistletoe into my stomach.
I do it all.
But for a few weeks I need to be like that tree. Just hold steady. That's life after cancer. Hold steady. Wait for tests, wait for results. Hope for the best.
Don't burn down the house.
It's tough to not want to revert to old me. To say fuck it. Put on a miniskirt and dance all night. But I can't. I can barely have a coffee and Baileys without feeling like garbage.
For now. I'm that tree. Holding tight in these November winds. Maybe looking skinny and stripped but the strength in the roots is real.
It's not all about what we see, there is so much under the surface we don't. Life is all about holding steady in uncertain times. Dig your roots in and do what you must. Nothing lasts forever. Even the tough times.
I planted my tulips and garlic. Their intention is spring. I make it mine too while I stand tall like the tree next door.
Everytime I look out the door it's a reminder to stay strong. Hold tight even in windy times.
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