#8 Purell the Planet and Toxicooch

Let's begin with some diagnostics. Shall we?

I went to sleep last night with the WORST headache but took some of the drugs they gave me and as you can see above it knocked me out and into deep sleep pretty quickly. All the times you see the red peaks are when I wake up to pee. Yesterday I drank Lake Superior in 24 hours. When I wake I feel awful all over again and have to force myself back to sleep. I was up for a while at 5am I think that's when the majority of the meds were wearing off from the day before and the body was not loving it. At around 7 am I got so exhausted I fell asleep again and slept. It was a weird sleep. Chemicals flooding through my body, so my dreams were a strange mix of awake and asleep and then some periods where I'd wake up in pain, or nauseous and then pass out.

I took my anti-nausea meds, and then forced down this concoction.

It's kale, swiss chard, beet tops, ginger, lemon, carrot. It tastes like it looks. But I can't eat uncooked vegetables right now because the chemo destroys all rapidly dividing cells. Hair, nail and all the little cells in the digestive tract, that line from the mouth to the south. So juicing provides a way to get the enzymes and vitamins without the work of digesting or irritating. I can't eat eggs or grains or dairy, minimal sugar, no garlic or onion - all too harsh. I'm eating like I'm a new baby just starting over. Mouth ulcers and ulcers in the digestive tract are common if not cared for. SO I'm introducing foods gently and alkaline as possible. I put minerals in my water and drink an alkaline broth at 10 and 4 each day. When I can stomach any food at all. Good times. I take Modified Citrus Pectin and Genistein to attack the cancer, I take Genistein for my ER+ cancer subtype. This isoflavone promotes apoptosis (cell death for ER+ cancer cells - google it...the studies are out there). I take collagen to rebuild those tissues, I take Omega3s to reduce inflammation and I take magnesium and 20mg of melatonin at night. Its a routine. None of it is covered by OHIP, it should be just like the drugs that help, but that a WHOLE other blog.

Chemo also does weird things to your taste buds, raspberries used to taste like candy and now they taste like tin farts. Steamed broccoli is the most amazing food on earth to me so is rice with butter. The steroids really increase your appetite and energy levels to the point where you almost feel energized, but it's just the drugs. I can tell because my cheeks and my little belly is getting puffy like a baby's. Coupled with my age 4 months haircut I'm a high energy puffy baby. LOL

But..underneath the 42 year old body is struggling to keep up and repair while under attack from all angles. I don't even know what's real anymore. Every hour I'm waiting for something to come up and when I feel good, I wonder....is the chemo even working. It's insane. Then I crash and I'm 80 years old.

This morning after I took my steroids after holding down that juice by bending over in bed and breathing deeply, I decided I needed to go for a walk. My Fit Bit harasses me on behalf of the exercise study I'm in and I don't want to be the cancer patient who didn't do the exercise and brought down the study. So Jason and I walked around the block a few times. It's nice, we chat and it's easy exercise and while I'm not hammering away on a spin bike, it's enough for me right now. The key is being gentle but not inactive.

Here we are and you can really see all the grey hairs on top there. I covered them up for years, and covered up my stress, and lived a lifestyle that wasn't balanced for many years. Yes, I ate healthy and exercised but I rarely took time to really talk about the things that bothered me unless I had some drinks, I didn't meditate regularly and traded yoga for more aggressive spin classes and HIIT workouts. So much working out. No working IN.

I had a series of less than successful relationships that were very stressful, negotiating child custody, moving, all that shit... All those little grey hairs living under there, signalling that my body was struggling on so many levels and I was just covering them up and carrying on. It's not advised.

If I could say where my cancer came from I'd say likely genetics although I haven't had the testing but I will - it's pending. The Drs are pretty sure I carry the BRCA gene(s). Cancer can only thrive if it's given the environment and/or the gene is switched on or a messy combo of both. If I test positive for the gene(s), my girls, my sisters will all need to be tested and will face some serious decisions in the future. We will all need genetic counselling. Well...not me, I will just likely have to have a further surgery to remove my ovaries. The full Angelina.

Another thing no one advertises about cancer is that it turns you into a toxic human. Every discharge, saliva, mucous, tear, kisses, and everything down south....the pee the poo... All toxic. I have to flush the toilet twice, I need my own bathroom, I can't kiss anyone, my toothbrush should have a bio-hazard sign on it.. and so should my toxicooch. Another thing stolen from me. My sex life. I won't go into detail in case children are reading, but this was upsetting. I never considered the fact that I was toxic through and through. I have to wash my clothes separately and the whole deal. It's all stuff no one tells you. Well, except me now.

Also my white blood cells, as most people know are the first things to go with chemo. I'm scheduled tomorrow to have an immune shot, called "Lapelga" 6mg costs $3000. This is to encourage my bone marrow to pump out new white blood cells which apparently is an excruciating pain, but again...they try to give you more meds to deal with that.

So, basically I have little to no immunity right now to bacteria and viruses, from the common cold to the most deadly flu. The Dr. told me I can't live in a bubble but don't over do it. Just go a few places and be wise about it. Wash hands regularly to the elbow and Purell. Disinfect and don't touch much or share anything.

Anyway...after the walk I wanted to go for an infrared sauna, but my Naturopath said no. So that was out. I thought Jason and I would go and get the juicer that was on sale at Canadian Tire $100 off, I'd been looking at it from before Christmas because I'm supposed to be including wheat grass in my juice but with my juicer it just spins out so it's wasted but I couldn't spend over $300 on a juicer that's absurd. This juicer is a masticating juicer and presses and screws the veggies, makes nut butters, baby food and all kinds of soft foods. "The Omega". I figured if it's really all I'm eating...that was my wine budget for a week...it all balances out. Sigh.

They showed two in stock at the Canadian Tire near me, so I decided to take the plunge and brought my Purell and we went in not touching anything.

I swear to you....this is the exact scene.

I get to customer service and say "Do you carry this juicer, its the masticating one" the guy looks at me like I'm crazy and says "How do you spell that..?" and he turns around. At that exact moment the cashier from the till beside him comes over in a panic with something on her shirt and says "Someone just threw up all over my counter and all over the floor".

I was frozen for a split second I looked at Jason and we were GONE. Out that door so fast - sprinting on steroids. I was cancer Ben Johnson. I imagine when that dude turned around to ask me again how to spell the word I was halfway home. Purell flying everywhere.

Jason said "Seriously...what are the odds???" And they were slim. We laughed.

So silly cancer can be. You have to laugh at it all.

Tomorrow I learn how to inject myself with a drug that costs more than my mortgage and will debilitate me for days. I don't dread it. I appreciate I am able to have it, so many people can't. I appreciate the chemo too...it's so terrible but it's helping me, I try to look at it that way a little...to be somewhat grateful that I have the access, and so many kind people who have donated to the Go Fund Me. It's astonishing to me. Really.

It gives me hope, just like my Fit Bit, to keep going, to get up and take a walk and fight and not to forget to stop every now and then and laugh at life.

Purell the world. Toxicooch. Genes and juicers.

What a day...but even the bad days have some good in them.

Much more good than the days we haven't been promised... and we've all been promised just today.

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